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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel rejected?

25 replies

Missspottydotty · 23/03/2014 17:47

Not sure if I'm overreacting or expecting too much so would welcome some honest advice please.
Had my first dc a year ago really threw myself into various baby groups etc and met some nice people. However over the last couple of months they have fallen by the wayside on top of which I was asked to a couple of play dates with mums that have not responded to me since.
I feel really rejected and quite lonely to be honest. I'm a sahm and it's knocked my confidence as it seems to have happened all at once. There are a couple of new baby groups that have started near me (other groups I've been to have been further away) but I'm not feeling like I want to go as I'm worried and paranoid it will happen again!
I must be doing something wrong I just don't know what :(

OP posts:
CailinDana · 23/03/2014 17:57

When you say the mums didn't respond to you what do you mean?

GertTheFlirt · 23/03/2014 17:58

It is a massive adjustment.

I went from a full on career, then juggling three under five realising that wasn't the best idea I'd had and tried a bit of SAHM-ing. Very very isolating, even with two at school. the only thing you generally have in common with anyone from toddler groups or the school gate is a coincidence of children the same age. these people are not natural friends.

You have different friends for different parts of your life. Have any of your previous friends/colleagues got similar aged children?

Try and keep your original friendships going as far as possible.

CheesyBadger · 23/03/2014 17:58

The first year can be an emotional roller coaster and I suspect you are being very hard on yourself. Have you invited people round to you?

MichelloBarner · 23/03/2014 18:01

Do you mean you went there once and they never invited you back?

Being a new mum is abit like being a new expat. You are suddenly flung together with people you have this huge 'thing' in common with, so you assume you will all be great friends, but sometimes after a while it becomes apparent that the only thing you have in common is the big 'thing'. I'm sure they don't think badly of you, they are just not destined to be your great friends. It's normal, it's inevitable, it happens to all of is sometimes. Keep doing everything you can to meet new people and eventually you will really click with a few of them. Smile

NurseyWursey · 23/03/2014 18:04

Being a new mum is hard and a lot of the time you just want to be alone and not socialising with people.

Obviously you're different, but it doesn't mean they don't like you. It's just normal.

Original poster
Missspottydotty · 23/03/2014 18:49

Thanks. Yes basically been on play dates and then when I've text them after to say how are you? Let me know when you're free again' I've not heard back.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 23/03/2014 18:54

Why didn't you invite them over?

Original poster
Missspottydotty · 23/03/2014 18:56

I did in the text just said let me know your free you'll have to come over to mine this time with both of them and no response. My dh thinks I acted to keen and put them off?!

OP posts:
Franny1977 · 23/03/2014 19:00

Hi misspottydotty,

That can feel very isolating. Can I ask when you've contacted people do you make arrangement of say you're happy to meet up when they're free etc? I find some people never make the actual arrangements then I feel frustrated that I have to do the organising. It's always good when there's a healthy balance of friends in a group who will put their head above the parapet and make suggestions.

I met a fellow new mum in an antenatal class who would always send messages saying when are you free, happy to meet up things like this. Even when she instigated conversations she'd never say "let's me at --/, and do -, at ----pm. There was nothing wrong with her at all but to be honest I got tired of making arrangements and let the new friendship dwindle.

It's not a bad thing but just maybe something to think about...

Good luck all the above advice is so true. Keep meeting new people and eventually you find people you click with

Original poster
Missspottydotty · 23/03/2014 19:04

Thanks something to think about as I didn't give either of them a date in mind was more- when your free we'll sort something. Just feels like rejection as they've instigated it first then after we've had the play date I've been bumped feel like I must be doing something wrong or must be really boring- the weird thing is I've felt like I really clicked with the last lady in particular but obviously not and I've texted her twice so bit going to contact her again

OP posts:
horsetowater · 23/03/2014 19:05

I think it's time to really consider the value of these friendships - are they worth fighting for? There's a point in a friendship where you either let it go or make it work for the long term. Although these aren't 'natural' friendships, no friendship is, really. Who you make friends with is fairly random, and you can't put a lot of energy into a lot of people so you do have to be quite selective.

If you are not sure about where you stand it can be a good idea to be spontaneous and just call someone out of the blue and say 'I'm going xxx this afternoon do you want to come?' and see what happens. It lets the other person know that they can call you spontaneously as well.

PurplePidjin · 23/03/2014 19:09

I've found this, most of the people I met at the beginning (ds is 16m) are now back at work at least part time and therefore don't tend to do much in their precious time off. It really is them not me; I can tell from facebook and the times we do get to see each other.

I've survived it by just keeping going to different groups and being friendly to people there, even if I don't know them. One friend from the early days has really stuck around, but that's from maybe 12 of us who were meeting regularly. The rest I see when I see and class them as acquaintances. Tbh, there's one or two I didn't really know when the dc were babies who are now becoming better friends because we're the only sahp. But it takes work and confidence which is the bloody hard bit

TittyMcFartyFlaps · 23/03/2014 19:09

If I'd had you round to my house I wouldn't respond to a "let me know when you're free" text. That woud feel like I had to invite myself to your house.
Next time text - are you free to come round either Monday or Thursday morning next week? Much more specific so I'd know you meant it rather than just being polite.

Original poster
Missspottydotty · 23/03/2014 19:13

Didn't think of that Titty but that makes sense I think I would feel like that if the roles were reversed. Hmmm think I would like to text the last lady again and put that but it would be stalkerish 3 times and there is a high chance if bumping into her so don't want things to be awkward but will try that if I ever met new mums

OP posts:
CailinDana · 23/03/2014 19:13

But "let me know when you're free" isn't an invitation. It means "you have to text me to ask to come to my house." An invitation needs to be specific.

Original poster
Missspottydotty · 23/03/2014 19:15

I agree Caitlin I can see where I went wrong now but I feel like if I text them again it would look desperate on my part-no?

OP posts:
horsetowater · 23/03/2014 19:20

Don't text, just phone. That way you'll know fairly instantly what the situation is.

sunbathe · 23/03/2014 19:21

Why don't you ring her?

Original poster
Missspottydotty · 23/03/2014 19:22

I wouldn't feel comfortable phoning I've only met her a couple of times it would feel weird think I'd feel put in the spot if I were to get in touch it would be by text or fb

OP posts:
CailinDana · 23/03/2014 19:31

So what? If they think you're desperate how will that affect you?

Coldlightofday · 23/03/2014 19:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurplePidjin · 23/03/2014 19:38

If you've got them on fb, start a group message with "Is anyone going to X group on Yday and fancies a coffee after?"

StairsInTheNight · 23/03/2014 20:19

Could you just text and say 'I'm taking kid to x place on y date, wondered if your free if you'd like to join us! Let me know x'

That keeps it casual and if she doesn't respond to that just let it go and move on. It's not you, you don't know her circumstances, she could have anything going on. Don't take it personally!

meerschweinchen · 23/03/2014 20:24

Don't take it personally. Another thing of course is that lots of people go back to work after 9-12 months, so although you've met lots of people at baby groups, it's inevitable that some friendships will fall by the wayside. Definitely try out the new groups - don't be put off!

Original poster
Missspottydotty · 23/03/2014 21:16

Thanks again some good advice I like the FB idea seems more casual than a phone call. I'm away this week for a mini break so might try that when I get back I'm worried I'll look overly keen but maybe I was to vague before so will try a specific time/date thing instead and see if that gets a reply

OP posts:
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