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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to vent? DH obviously thinks so.

32 replies

ziggiestardust · 23/03/2014 11:35

Sometimes, when things get to me I have a bit of a 'raaaahhh!' few minutes where I let off steam and vent and say my feelings out loud. It might be something at work, or DS has annoyed me for whatever reason, or something silly has happened that's irritated me. It doesn't happen that often, but when it does and I get cross, I tell DH what has annoyed me, why and what I feel. Probably about 5 minutes and I'm finished.

But when I do, recently DH has been quite moody about it and gets cross at me for being cross. He can be quite short with me and tbh, it's upsetting me.

When he needs to vent, or to talk something through, I am there for him to chat about it as long as he likes. If someone at work has annoyed him, I talk it through with him and give rational steps forward and talk with him as often as he needs.

It doesn't really feel like he returns the favour. We are under pressure at the minute with DH working away quite a bit, we are moving to be closer in 2 weeks (big move). I'm having a new job, big changes etc. it's probably linked, but I'm always there for him to talk to. He seems to just get frustrated.

Like the other week I was saying how work was annoying me, just a petty little thing but I'd just got in and was wound up. First of all he was joking around about it, and then suddenly about 2 minutes in he snapped and went 'well I obviously can't help you, so I won't fucking bother. Shall we even bother going out to dinner tonight if you're just in a huge mood?' Seriously, I have never and would never do that to him.

DS was irritating me today and I texted DH, he rang me (on his break and nothing on at work so it's ok) and I said what had gone wrong, he listened for about a minute and then went 'right I've got to go then', just hung up and didn't say 'love you' or anything.

I texted him to say I was sorry I'd upset him and now he's bombarding me with jokey messages and said he was just busy with work suddenly and of course I can always talk to him... Except I can't, can I?

I'm just feeling a bit let down, if I'm honest. AIBU? What shall I do? It's not something that crops up very often (I'm not that angry!) but when it does, I need him and I don't feel like he comes through for me. And it hurts.

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Original poster
ziggiestardust · 23/03/2014 11:37

I'm so sorry, that was ever so long Blush

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Original poster
ziggiestardust · 23/03/2014 11:50

Sad anyone?

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PinklePurr · 23/03/2014 11:55

If you take a problem to a man he will try to fix it.

Quite often we just want to vent, but men don't understand that. Maybe he feels like he's failing to help you.

pigsDOfly · 23/03/2014 11:57

Can sympathise ziggie, all my family do this (3 adult DCs and I) and we just listen to one another and put in the odd helpful noise. The one who's ranting usually realises after a while and laughs about it.

However, my exh was exactly like your DH and never seemed to listen to me, and it does hurt. But tbh he was like that with everyone: we were at a party once, some guy was talking to him and exh just suddenly interrupted him, said something irrelevant and walked away. The look on the other man's face had to be seen to be believed.

Do you have friends you can rant to, or other family members?

Would suggest you play him at his own game and be less forthcoming with your listening ear when he wants to rant. He's being very unfair. Perhaps, when you're both in an unranty mood you could try explaining to him how important it is to you for him to listen to you when want to unload.

Otherwise I fear your only recourse is to rant on here.

Nennypops · 23/03/2014 11:59

I'm wondering whether when you vent it actually goes on longer than you think? There does come a time when someone is ranting about something and every solution you offer is dismissed that you do tend to think "fuck it, I'm just not going to engage with this any more". Particularly if it happens frequently.

misskatamari · 23/03/2014 11:59

Have you explained to him that sometimes you just need to vent and the act of doing so is what makes you feel better?

I find my DH sometimes fails to grasp that I don't actually need him to do anything in these situations besides listen and he can get annoyed as he can't do anything to help fix the situation that is causing the annoyance. Since spelling it out to him he's much better at knowing sometimes I just need to vent and be listened to.

Birdsgottafly · 23/03/2014 12:00

"If someone at work has annoyed him, I talk it through with him and give rational steps forward and talk with him as often as he needs. "

That isn't allowing him to vent, that's problem solving for him.

Is what you want to vent about, without solutions?

It sounds as though it is, so he tries to cheer you up, rather than just listen, do you then feel as though he is minimising what you are expressing?

I think that it is a lack of him understanding what you need and perhaps you not explaining this, when there isn't a problem.

Some people are not good at just saying your feelings are valid (giving sympathy), they have to problem solve or go into comedian mode.

StarSwirl92 · 23/03/2014 12:00

Maybe he doesn't know what to do? I often just want to talk through things but my dp feels like he should try to fix the things annoying me, when often he can't. Perhaps telling him that you don't expect him to do anything except listen would help.

Good luck.

Birdsgottafly · 23/03/2014 12:02

Tbh, I got sick of my ex "just venting" about life issues that you just have to get on with and that everyone has, occasionally.

Original poster
ziggiestardust · 23/03/2014 12:05

Can sympathise ziggie, all my family do this (3 adult DCs and I) and we just listen to one another and put in the odd helpful noise. The one who's ranting usually realises after a while and laughs about it.

That's all I want! For him to listen to me for a few minutes (and that's all it is; I can't stay angry for long!) and then I'll run out of steam and be fine.

When he does vent, I offer solutions when he's done because he asks me what he should do. I usually only vent about silly things where the solutions are either obvious, or there's nothing that can be done. Like my friend's ex-H being a bastard.

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Original poster
ziggiestardust · 23/03/2014 12:09

birds exactly, I don't want him to even go to the effort of making me laugh or being jokey! I just want him to listen for 2 minutes and go 'mmm... That's shit... What a bastard...' And then I'll be fine again!

And I honestly don't go crazy on a daily basis or anything like that! It doesn't crop up that often because I don't get that cross that often, but when I do and this happens it does make me feel sad. It's happened a few times now and I thought I'd post on MN.

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Nomama · 23/03/2014 12:09

It's one of those man/things. I had it with DH but we sorted it, eventually.

I had to explain that, whilst solutions are nice all that is really required is that tiny niggles are dumped somewhere, before work crap makes its way into 'us' time, home life.

So we invented out own Time Out zone. He buys those little stubby bottles of beer and we'd drink one of them, and he had a fag, outside (great to have a shed). When the drink has gone, the moaning is finished and we leave the niggle outside, with the beer bottles.

It too a while but we got into the habit of being finished by the time he had smoked his cigarette. Bigger niggles became a 2 fag problem Smile When he quit smoking he tried to lose the standing outside habit and that triggered some weird sulks (both of us). So now we are back outside with the beer and he vapes!

You need a clam chat to explain what you need... and no moaning when he is at work. You don't take work into the house and you don't take home into work. Keep them separate!

Casmama · 23/03/2014 12:11

I think texting him at work to complain about your DS is unreasonable, by all means discuss it at another time but tbh if I was working on a Sunday and my dh texted me to moan I would think get a fucking grip.

Maybe you need to consider how much you have been venting recently - yes he should listen but perhaps you have been overdoing it a bit and it has become wearing.

Original poster
ziggiestardust · 23/03/2014 12:15

Well cas he texted me and asked how I was and I said 'not too bad, DS being a bit of a fool but there we are. How's your day?' Then he called me and asked what was wrong and I told him DS was just being a bit of a funny bugger and I wasn't sure what was up with him and I was looking forward to nipping out later just to get us both out of the bloody house for a bit. Then he went all funny with me.

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Original poster
ziggiestardust · 23/03/2014 12:17

nomama that's a great idea! I might well suggest that! We don't smoke but the beer bottles sound like a great plan... A time and a place is what is needed.

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jusdepamplemousse · 23/03/2014 12:18

Could it perhaps be the case (if your DH is otherwise reasonable and loving) maybe you've gotten into a rut of negativity? That can happen to anyone, and isn't usually obvious to the person who is (not deliberately) constantly moaning on about stuff - especially little stuff. On the whole are you balanced in terms of positivity / negativity? Do you attempt ever to make light of problems or really let them get to you all the time? I really hope this doesn't sound mean and I am sorry if it comes across a little that way.

Original poster
ziggiestardust · 23/03/2014 12:22

No not at all jus, it's a question worth asking! There is a lot going on at the minute, but I do generally laugh a lot of stuff off and let a lot of things lie. The big problems do not bother me at all; I tend to stress about the smaller stuff, which is weird! But again, I tend to drop most of it and shrug it off.

I do agree that a niggle time is a good idea. I like the idea of standing outside and having a designated time slot for it.

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Original poster
ziggiestardust · 23/03/2014 12:23

And DH is a very reasonable man and an excellent father.

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Slapperati · 23/03/2014 12:27

I think YABU. If my DH ranted at me the minute he walked in the door I would be unimpressed. Find a healthier way to unload your frustrations and don't just unload them on someone else.

Original poster
ziggiestardust · 23/03/2014 12:34

What happens if he has a bad day at work though, say once every 3/4 weeks? Does he not get cross and talk to you about it? And go 'bloody hell, X happened at work today and it really annoyed me...'

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Financeprincess · 23/03/2014 12:36

My DH is a bit like this sometimes, Ziggie. It's for the reasons others have described: he finds it difficult to just listen without proposing a solution, as if everything were a logic problem. I think that quite a few men are like this. When I've spoken to DH about it, he's said, "I'm not very good at being supportive". He's lovely most of the time, but I think some men just lack the ability that women have, to listen and sympathise!

Original poster
ziggiestardust · 23/03/2014 12:38

Honestly, if I did it every day or something I'd get help or channel my frustrations differently, but sometimes you get cross and want to talk to someone who loves you.

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Original poster
ziggiestardust · 23/03/2014 12:39

I've not posted before because it happens so infrequently for me to forget all about it by the time it happens again.

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Nomama · 23/03/2014 12:43

That's why we started our Time Outs. We both work with total idiots and have a lot to put up with Smile

It got ridiculous that we would sit and fume in time that should have been 'ours' - he works away a lot and it can take him a while to relax. If I have been wound up that day we can get very snippy - VERY!!

If he is away he rings early evening, before he has eaten, and we have a 2 minute moan, we are otherwise useless on the phone 'Alive?' 'Yes' ' Me too' 'Bye'. So we really do use our Time Outs well.

DH was quite easy to persuade too. I apologised for a particularly good strop I had thrown and suggested we left our crap outside... he suggested the beer. Job jobbed.

Grab some beer tomorrow when he is at work, when you escape the house. Make sure it is really cold, make sure the place you choose is uninterrupted - phones not allowed.

I think every adult deserves a well structured Time Out. If he is not home I still have that beer and I share my ire with the trees. But a shared Time Out is probably one of those marriage saving things.

Original poster
ziggiestardust · 23/03/2014 12:45

nomama I love that idea. And you sound very similar to us. I like the no phones rule as well.

Do you do it every night? Or just save it for the occasions when you need it?

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