To not be looking forward to going on holiday

[gigglebiz]

Ok I know this is a first world problem and we are lucky to be able to afford to go away, but still.

In a few weeks we are going to share a property in the UK with some of DH's family. There are double the number of them than us and their DCs are much older - teens and grown ups.

We shared last year and DS had a wonderful time as he got to share a room with his teenage cousin who he absolutely worships and DH was happy as he got to do walking and go to the pub with his two grown up nephews.

Me, not so much. Their family dynamic is that SIL does all the work. I like her a lot and ended up picking up a lot, lot more than my fair share because I couldn't bear to see her do it all. She doesn't seem to mind, she is happy to have her family around her.

Also because there are a lot more people than when we go away as our small family, there is a lot more dishes, food preparation and tidy away and just more general stuff littered about the place, which people seem unable to tidy away by themselves.

I did suggest that we had a rota to her and she seemed amenable and suggested a cooking rota. But to be honest I don't mind the cooking as much as I mind having to buy the stuff, decide what to have, set the table, cook it, then clear the table whilst everyone else sits on their rump doing naff all, oh and then empty the dishwasher three zillion times.

DH was fine, once I clued him into what was happening he did a lot more and nagged his nephews to do a bit, also we went out for a few more meals with us only, so that cut down on the interminable clearing up and cooking.

There are good sides, it's nice having a bit of company and we get babysitting to go out a couple of nights which is fab - maybe that should makeup for the downsides, I don't know.

I'm starting to have second thoughts about going, and I'm not sure how to make it feel ok for me.

I'm a regular and I have name changed, I have been moaning about this in real life, so please don't out me if you know me.

I'd compile a list of attractions/ things to see and do around the area where you are staying and be out a lot. There must be things that your DS would enjoy that aren't as attractive to the teens. It will be obvious whose mess it is at the accommodation and you won't be there to worry about it. Eat out a few times separately as well, as you've done previously.

At the end of the holiday BIL and SIL's family will have to tidy the bulk of the mess if they have made it. Surely there is some sort of financial penalty if the place isn't left in good order when vacated? As Blu says just do your fair share.

The place won't be in a mess when we leave girlywhirly as SIL is the one who tidies it all up.

I have maybe over painted the awfulness of it. We actually have a nice time when we're out, they aren't dreadful people, they are just a family that is bigger than ours and has a different approach to labour division.

When out I can enjoy my niece and nephews for who they are, rather than grousing about the amount of mess they make. But yes I will tell DH that we are eating out separately a few times and make full use of the "free" babysitting.

Whenever we go away with our extended family, we eat out every night and get a café snack at lunchtime. Everyone has to get their own breakfast and clear up any resulting mess. Otherwise it isn't a holiday, is it?

gigglebiz

How can this be a holiday for you or your Sister-in-law? I wouldn't dream of doing this. When my two were small (2 and 3), my XH wanted a self catering holiday. I put my foot down. What sort of holiday would it be for me? So we never had a self-catering holiday .....

Presently they are being enabled to be crap.

Split into two teams - women and men. Or teens with BIL, DH and SIL, you and one other teen.

Then rota the women for cooking one day (men/teens clean) and then for cleaning the next (men and teens cook), then women for cooking the following day (teens and men clean) and swap alternate days.

If BIL doesn't pull his weight, let his team sort it out. There will be enough prople to pull thier weight if BIL doesnt. It would also be good for the kuds to meal plan together - ask ahead for thier food requirents. If they don't cook, they don't eat. You could always go for a pub meal if this is the case. Don't engage with BIL about the meals/cleaning.

List all cleaning jobs to be completed and stick it on the fridge along with the rota - washing up, wiping surfaces, hoovering if needed, clean loos,

Happyagain - I quite like self catering normally, as when it's just our small family we eat out for most meals, or if eating in get something that's dead easy to cook - takes very little effort to bung some dishes in the dishwasher and I like the extra space you get if staying in a property or apartment rather than a hotel room.

I have a lazy entitled brother and although he didn't help much at all, he did a few things after his team reminded him.

Please read my post above yours. Might be worth a try

I bet your SIL isn't really happy with the situation either. I expect she is just ground down.

YANBU. I wouldn't like that either, it really doesn't sound like it will be much of a holiday for you and your SIL.

I agree, draw up a rota ASAP. And make it plain to your DH that no matter what the dynamic of his brother's family, you will not be spending your whole holiday cooking and cleaning up after everyone.

Your BIL sounds like a chauvanist; happy to let all the women do the work and then vetoeing a plan to go out for dinner.

It's funny plumprof as SIL comes here with her 2 youngest to help with childcare for a week for us, and says it is the most relaxed time she has, as I do all the stuff I normally do i.e. make sure we have food in, cooking, cleaner does cleaning.

I don't think she is ground down as such, more resigned. Like DH she is a very optimistic person who just kind of gets on with things, unlike moany me.

007 - I've kind of ruled out installing a rota as I just can't see people following it.

This will completely out me, but hey ho. It could be worse SIL originally suggested that we all share one barge with sleeping areas that had to be put back up during the day and no wi-fi.

If you're resigned to going on this holiday, make it The Holiday That Changed Everything. i.e you demonstrate to them (esp BIL) how the family should all pull together, make sure DH and you make plenty of unsubtle hints to them all about all Doing Their Bit :)

Id break it down to
Teens - set and clear the table
Women - cook
Men - dishes

Each couple shop for two brealfasts and two dinners. No lunches - people can sort their own.

Tidy up your shit when you are done with it.

UPDATE FROM OP

Well we're back and I just wanted to let you know how it went. We had a fab holiday !

There were a few reasons why it went so well. Firstly one of the nephews was only able to stay for a couple of days. He's a nice person and DH enjoys spending time with him, but is very scatty and although almost in his thirties, not terribly domesticated. So whilst it was a shame that he couldn't stay long, it did mean that the ratio of useful adults was improved somewhat.

Then, after a couple of days(where I may have moaned slightly about the amount of dishwasher emptying I was doing) SIL instigated a dishwasher rota for those under 18 which included stacking and clearing away. It was stuck to in the main and even DS was included with BIL.

Also less group meals. Some of the party are now teenagers and sleep in until the afternoon so there was less pressure to have sit down lunches. DH and I would grab what we needed and I'd prepare something for DS but other people would fix their own. Also the others were a lot more relaxed about eating out than they used to be so that cut down on things as well.

I was also quite strict with DH about ensuring we did a roughly equal amount, so we would take turns getting up and I totally left him to it to prepare one evening dinner.

Oh and the place we were staying at was absolutely amazing with loads of room for everybody so it didn't feel overly crowded at any point.

I feel really guilty for moaning now and so glad it all worked out, thanks for everyones suggestions.

Buy a sling & put your SILs arm in it, stand back and complete your own chores only.

Glad it worked out for you!

If the cook is preparing the table washing up clearing away etc then that's ridiculous.
I'd set ground rules so if I were to cook, other lay the table and clear it away, someone else washes etc etc
Don't do it all yourself.