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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to cuddle my dd ?

22 replies

Alfiedoggy · 19/03/2014 20:13

Had a bit of a rubbish evening :( would really welcome any advice ! AIBU ?? My dd (6) is shattered , has had a nasty migrane today at school but since recovered and all ok ... Cue bath time meltdown when her brother had the toy she wants . I give it to him . She melts down .. Full on screaming , crying , literally screaming " mummy cuddle " at me !!! I tell her she can have a cuddle if she stops screaming and calms down .... Not going to happen .. I end up putting her in her room and telling her she's a nightmare :( might even have closed bedroom door quite firmly ( poss slam :/) in end I have her cuddle but she got so so distressed .... AIBU ... Should I have cuddled her ? I think I handled it badly ?? Help :(

OP posts:
bebows · 19/03/2014 20:15

Yes a cuddle would have comforted her and made her less distressed

she was probably still ill, migraines take it out of you

Logg1e · 19/03/2014 20:17

Sounds like you've had a terrible evening. I don't blame you for not wanting to cuddle anyone screaming at you, demanding a cuddle.

I do think you were wrong to tell her that she's a nightmare though. It's not too late in the morning to apologise and explain that you were finding her tantrum a nightmare.

Nomama · 19/03/2014 20:17

Nope. She had a tiny tempy tanty. She threw a 6 year old's strop. She was upset and a bit unreasonable, as 6 year olds go.

You didn't handle it the best way possible, but if that is the most unfair thing that ever happens to her, hey ho! She does have to come to terms with actions and consequences, and screaming does need to be dealt with firmly.

Give yourself a hug and a pass on this one.

BadgerFace · 19/03/2014 20:18

Aw, don't beat yourself up, it's really hard in the heat of the moment. My DD is much younger than yours so I don't have any advice per se but it's hard to cuddle them when they are screaming at you!

I'm sure others will be along with good advice but I didn't want to read and run. You will be remembering this much longer than she will, it'll all be forgotten in the morning and have an extra big cuddle when you get up.

ThePowerOfNo · 19/03/2014 20:20

I've been there with dd1 - sometimes they become unbearable just at the very time they need you the most. And of course by that stage hugging them is the last thing you feel like doing! Just put it down to experience, go in & give her a hug now & make a mental note to try & remember she's probably reaching out to you in the only way a poorly child can next time this happens.

TheScience · 19/03/2014 20:21

Children have tantrums like that because they lose control of themselves/their emotions. I can be quite frightening for the child and often they need help to calm down. It sounds like she couldn't just switch it off and calm herself down, she was asking for your help. Next time try cuddling her and helping her breathe to calm down.

Original poster
Alfiedoggy · 19/03/2014 20:23

Ah thank you guys , you've really helped . It's so hard sometimes isn't it ? I apologised to her before she went to sleep , just explained I found it hard to cuddle her when she's screaming .... Trouble is , I know she really needed me but I couldn't take the screaming :((

OP posts:
woodmouse2 · 19/03/2014 20:24

She might have been subconsciously frightened by the migraine experience and although it had gone, needed the reassurance of a cuddle to let her know she was in safe and familiar hands again?

Vatta · 19/03/2014 20:24

I find my migraines leave me emotional/cloudy for a couple of days afterwards - like a migraine hangover.

If you're sure she had an actual migraine (which is different from a bad headache, just in case there's any confusion!) then tbh I think you were a bit harsh. Migraines are terrible and would leave a child very distressed.

Maybe next time just bear in mind after migraines she needs extra "looking after", I wouldn't treat that like a normal tantrum.

RhinestoneCowgirl · 19/03/2014 20:25

Tomorrow is another day, we can't handle things perfectly every time.

My 5yr old DD is similar and will get into extreme rages and then demand I cuddle her to calm her down. I don't always feel much like cuddling her at that point, so know exactly what you mean.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 19/03/2014 20:25

Been there and mines just 3. Look shit happens. Just try again next time. I think, so I hear, it gets better as you get experienced. Let me know eh? ;)

Vatta · 19/03/2014 20:26

Ps should admit I wouldn't want to hug somebody who was screaming at me either! I just think if it's really migraine and this is an ongoing problem you may need to find new strategies to help her deal with them.

Original poster
Alfiedoggy · 19/03/2014 20:26

True , I've never suffered from migranes so that's really helpful to know she might feel odd for a few days after ... Thanks guys

OP posts:
RhinestoneCowgirl · 19/03/2014 20:29

yes I think it's called 'postdrome' (the migraine hangover thing). I usually feel fuzzy for about 24 hrs after the headache has gone.

Whatdoiknowanyway · 19/03/2014 20:30

I used to have temper tantrums and my mum would refuse to cuddle me. She'd tell me that she knew me better then I knew myself and a hug would only make me worse.

I remember feeling desolate, temper escalating and knowing that the comfort and security of my Mum's hug would calm me. Never happened though.

I was determined to do differently with my children and I always found that a heartbeat to heartbeat hug would calm them down.
Difficult to do in the heat of the moment though.

Iggi101 · 19/03/2014 20:49

My ds has told me sometimes that he "doesn't know how to stop" when I've been trying to get him to calm down when either crying or full of anger. He seems to need help to snap out if it, and hugging him does help.
But it's not easy in the thick of it is it. (Sometimes he shouts angrily at me "I love you mummy! Now you say it too!!")

Original poster
Alfiedoggy · 19/03/2014 21:02

Thank you everyone . I shall def my best to be calmer tomorrow :( xx

OP posts:
diddl · 19/03/2014 21:06

Well I guess migraines affect us differently, but I would hazard a guess that if she was screaming she maybe didn't feel too bad tbh!

I had to lie completely still in a dark room for about 12hrs!

DoJo · 19/03/2014 21:39

If it helps, whenever my son asks for a cuddle (mostly not when sad, I hasten to add, just wanting one) every time I cuddle him I say 'you can ALWAYS have a cuddle'. I find it helps to think of it, so even if he's being vile and destructive or violent, if he asks for a cuddle I remember that I have told him he can always have one, and it makes it a bit easier to keep my promise!

Vatta · 19/03/2014 21:50

diddl oh yes definitely lying down in a darkened room during the main migraine phase!

There's a phase after migraine where people feel very emotional/cloudy/slow. Not everybody gets it, but it's a well known migraine problem.

mrsjay · 19/03/2014 21:54

you have cuddled her now it is fine it sounds a bit traumatic tbh and really hugging a screaming child when you are stressed is the last thing you want to do all is calm now it was just all to much for everybody

Thetallesttower · 19/03/2014 21:58

I usually feel exhausted after a migraine for about a day afterwards, just really wiped out like you have a virus.

Don't beat yourself up though, it's hard for your own emotions not to spiral when a child is screaming and screaming, it's an awful noise and you can end up getting stressed. It's also not clear a hug would have worked early on, mine only respond to a hug/cuddle when the tantrum is subsiding, if I hugged to early, I would be doing it wrong and nearer the screaming, so wouldn't work!

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