DH says I ignore his input

[Moggy72]

Dh travels every week for work, leaving me with 3 DCs. He's back at weekends. He's been working really hard and we haven't had a vacation for a year. We agreed that we would go when DCs are on Easter break, agreed the location and rough dates. Dh was pretty reluctant and kept trying to shorten the trip either side citing work demands. I pushed back insisting I wanted a proper holiday. I went ahead and booked for a Wednesday departure. Dh went nuts saying he can't go - has an important meeting... Insisting he told me that he couldn't leave before Thursday. He's now saying he doesn't want to come because he can't leave on a Wednesday and also because I apparently never listen to his input. AIBU ? I looked into changing the flights but is very expensive. I feel like I made the trip shorter than I wanted to suit his needs and he's always got one work commitment after another.

I am about to tell DH that he has to cover Easter hols this year, after he flew home from his latest 3 week trip to take the whole week of midterm off, I had gone in 2 days over Christmas to make sure I had enough days left to do that too so we could have family time. He bugged off into work thurs and fir, having spent a lot of ties and we'd on phone or email to them. Couldn't go in up to Thursday as we were physically elsewhere.

I am, at the moment, at the point of physical breakdown, funding myself either welling up in tears or screaming at 8 yr old dd at leaSt 3-4 times a day. Work is crap and stressful. New ap is so quiet and I fell less and less like I can enjoy my own home. Dd wakes me early every weekend morning, whether dhl is there or not. I am not sleeping. I have put on a stone that I can,t afford in the past 2 months and won't fit the dress I bought at Christmas for the first communion. I needed to lose almost 2 stone even before this. I am eating really badly due to lack of time, ap who eats mono thing but pasta and dd who has gone into a fussy phase again. DH is away since last weekend again and I have made sure to only drink half the nights, but 2.5 btls wine are gone in 10 days. Last night, I half pulled DDs dor handle off her door in frustration.

That is not me. I am normally the person who copes with it all, keeps everything under control, appointments made, bills paid, work ticking over, cooks nice meals, yada yada yada...

Right now,I am sitting in a coffee shop debating whether I can actually go into work. So when family plans get abandoned, especially when we have gone through diaries beforehand to book his trips, so he will be home for things like dobro wedding last year, dd communion this year, I have to suck it up that hie misses Duran funeral and months mind, and again her anniversary this year, I had to drive mylf to Donegal for other drams months mind where we threw her ashes to sea at her request. I am now sick after 3 yearsm of carrying the can but he doesn't get that and he has the hard time travelling to a developing country where he has huge pressure and can't sleep for 2 weeks, but has alone time and time to rest, run, go out and eat a hot dinner, not keep eeverything going.

Sorry this wasn't meant to be a rant.

If he has only taken 3 days holiday in the last 12 months then clearly he doesn't prioritise family life .

OP I have also been where you are , I have always appreciated that dh earns the bulk of the money which supports is but in my opinion that does not mean that he can absent himself from actual involvement in the children's lives . It is noticeable that my dh's relationship with our eldest now 20 has been deeply affected by the fact that his father really wasn't there for most of his childhood . Ds3 has benefited from this as I think dh can see the effect ( although he wouldn't admit it)

In your shoes I would go , he can join you on the Thursday , that's up to him and if his job is that good he will pay for the flight change .

OP, because we're all so busy in Casa Wordfactory with clashing schedules, I double check everything before booking, and due to misunderstandings in the past I now email the proposed dates to DH!

That said, I don't have any problem with DH wanting to get away as a family...just the sorting out is difficult.

If your DH doesn't want to go or simply can't due to work commitments, then go without him!

OP, can he conference into his meeting, from home or from the airport? We do this at our company.

For future holidays, can you fly out alone with the children and have him join you, rather than reduce the length of the holiday? Our fly out together and have him leave early?

BiddyPop - I hope you find a way to relieve your stress soon.

Thanks for all your advice ! I think we are both in the wrong - he neglected to tell me about his Wednesday meeting and I should have triple checked first. On a broader note I will start booking holidays and scheduling them in advance in his calendar - if he can join then great ... If not I'll just go on my own.

Big hugs to biddypop ... It's hard when you feel like you are battling on your own.

BiddyPop have you thought of posting this separately or in Relationships to get some support and advice. You are not alone in feeling like everything is caving in on top of you and feeling alone and unsupported in a relationship is a horrible one.

It sounds like you are both under a lot of pressure- him crazy busy and in a stressful work environment/travelling (my husband finds the travelling increasingly difficult as he's in his forties, he says it was easier when he was younger, perhaps getting burned out himself). You are then picking up the pieces and doing everything.

Do either start a thread, or call a friend, or cry to your mum, I don't like to think of you sitting there in a coffee shop getting upset.

It's really important in families to realise that all agendas are not necessarily going to be compatible and to accept this and sometimes not manage to do things all together and that this is no-one's fault.

... not only not anyone's fault, but not terribly important either.

My family logistics, with two DSSs (one now at university), their mother who works, her boyfriend who works, has a child with another woman who works who has another child from another relationship with all their respective family constraints are a nightmare. I have done a lot of pre-empting over the years and got extremely good at anticipating. But it is hard work...

Moggy, sorry for derailing.

I don't get on great with mum, bit narc so never know will I get sympathy or "well I had it so much worse" or "well you always were the troublesome one". Only a few friends and they all work FT too.

I know I WILLbe ok, it's just a really bad coinciding of peaks in all 3 waves- my work, DDs aspergers me and home life generally. I've had a decent coffee and quiet time here for an hour, i am getting my neck muscles unknotted at lunchbreak, and DH will be home this weekend.

Thanks though. Ready to face work now I think.
Biddy

Biddy - re-read your original post. It sounds like you are suffering from stress. It is good that you feel a bit better. But think about a better solution. I too was working full time with 3 DCs, 13 hour days and found it hard. Your DD with aspergers makes it harder. Try switching the wine for a workout and maybe think about working from home one day a week or even going part time? Stress is debilitating.

Moggy I'm so glad you feel you have reached a better place with it all now.

It was unreasonable of you to book a trip without making absolutely sure he could get this time off. It doesn't matter whether one person or both have a job outside the home. But I agree that if he is constantly refusing to go on any family holidays that's a different matter. But sometimes a family holiday with three children is hardly a break.

If a family holiday is hardly a break then it definitely isn't a break for the op to do it alone! Clearly the husband has a major problem of not committing to family time or supporting his wife. Work is not the e all and end all and I hate the comments that say to a woman just be quiet because he is keeping the family going

The Sahp is doing an equally important role in keeping the family going and relaxation/ family time is vital for everyone

Leaving holiday days untaken really sad when there are young children - op it sounds like perhaps the two of you could benefit from some counselling to talk it through as the underlying issue is not whether or not you triple checked

It sounds like he was looking for an excuse to pull out as he is focused only on how short he can make the holiday

I guess it depends upon how much they need the husbands wages really. If they are in debt and things are dire then the husband would be worried about losing Hsu job or not making enough overtime to make ends meet BUT as the op can afford holidays abroad then I'm guessing that in her situation that it is not the case of needing the money.

Moggy scheduling might work for you, give it a try but DO triple check with him because as you know things change at the last minute. Be flexible so that if you need to adjust your plans, by a few days here or there, you can.

My husband cannot/will not make commitments long term into the future. In fact, we've only had disasters when planning a few months ahead. Roll with it and be flexible up to a point. I find with my DH that I need to tread a fine line between getting on with my life and making him feel like he's not part of the family (as crazy as that sounds when all we want is time with him ;))