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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To change my mind and want DH around?

20 replies

superlambanana · 17/03/2014 22:24

Background: I'm 26 weeks pregnant with our first. We both have stressful jobs with long hours, though DH is a teacher so can be more flexible with his. I have a 1-1.5hr commute each way which I'm finding really tiring now. We are in the middle of an extension, just had house rewired, redecorating everywhere as a result (which wasn't in the plan but rewire has made it necessary, even though we're prioritising the lounge and the baby's room). DH is generally wonderful and supportive.

However.... This month is stupidly busy for me at work. I'm working every weekend and lots of evenings which is tiring me out. When I get home from work I've been decorating when I can. Lounge has been in a state for two weeks now and we have nowhere to sit as we can't use it. DH has helped when he can but has a hobby that takes him out for one or two evenings a week plus time at weekends. I'm getting a teeny bit resentful that he is getting to do this while I am desperately trying to sort the house out - when it comes to decorating I'm the more practical one and he has to ask me what to do, and not having anywhere to sit and relax is really getting to us both.

He has cut down his hobby to mostly one evening out of five instead of two but has a lot at weekends. I'm hardly seeing him as it is and it has worked out that he is going out when I'm getting in from weekend work so our paths aren't crossing. I'm a bit miffed because there's nothing I can do about my work (it's scheduled events, I'm not just working stupid hours that I don't need to) and I feel like he could do something about his so that I'm not left with all the house stuff.

I flagged up how mad this period was going to be a couple of months ago, which is when he cut it down, but he would be missed if he cut it down more. I feel though like I really need him around - I'm so tired from the pregnancy at the moment and I need him to help me with the house, plus I miss seeing him!

I don't know if I'd be being unreasonable to ask him to cut it down more. He'd be letting other people down but I just need some help and I feel like he needs to put me and the baby first. But I don't want to be selfish! What do you think?

OP posts:

Cleartheclutter · 17/03/2014 22:25

What is the hobby?

lemontwist · 17/03/2014 22:30

Sounds like YANBU but agree we really need to know what the hobby is.

Original poster

superlambanana · 17/03/2014 22:32

Fair enough - I'll name change after this though I think!! It's rehearsals and concerts (I think that's enough to get the idea)

OP posts:

Cleartheclutter · 17/03/2014 22:35

Is it a source of income?

Nennypops · 17/03/2014 22:35

It's going to be difficult for him to cut down on that without letting people down, isn't it? Can you cut down on your work commitments or share them?

deakymom · 17/03/2014 22:37

my husband would cut down on his hobby for me why wont yours? (and mine can be a total ass by the way)

Original poster

superlambanana · 17/03/2014 22:38

Nope no income. No chance of cutting down on work. He's one of a number in the group.

OP posts:

TheBody · 17/03/2014 22:39

if he's getting paid then fair enough if not then that's a pita.

he can't be doing that every weekend when the baby comes. tired as you are now things will get more hectic after baby is here.

poor you.

can you not get decorators in?

PurplePidjin · 17/03/2014 22:39

DP is a serious runner, and we didn't have the house stress when I was pregnant, but 2 evenings a week plus most of the weekend at a hobby will have to change when the baby arrives. DP cut himself down to just the Sunday morning run, and even that wasn't every week, plus occasionally one evening (runs with a club). Once ds got to 6 months and was old enough to leave me for a few hours (breastfed) he started taking him with him on a Sunday morning sometimes.

You need to have a serious chat with your oh about his priorities. When your dc is a few years old, then a couple of evenings during the week will be fine - but for now, you and his new baby need him to be home both for support and so that he can get to know his child. You need to make sure you have equal time to relax, whether that's a lie in while the other takes the baby or to pursue hobbies.

Original poster

superlambanana · 17/03/2014 23:06

I've no doubt that when the baby comes he will prioritise it and me over everything else because he's like that. I do the same hobby, except not at the moment as I can't cope with that and tiredness and work so I've dropped out completely. I'm partly worried because I think he has bitten off more than he can chew and is tired, but that makes me a bit because it's the house stuff that then gets left and I have to pick it up. It's the next couple of months that I'm worried about most. I don't want to try to dictate what he can and can't do or guilt trip him but I need the support. Am I just being pathetic?!

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 17/03/2014 23:14

No,you're not being pathetic. how long is this decorating taking? Just do the lounge for now, Babys room can wait.

arethereanyleftatall · 17/03/2014 23:16

I didn't decorate anything or buy anything for dd1 until after she was born.

Original poster

superlambanana · 17/03/2014 23:16

Lounge has taken a fortnight so far and will take at least another week at this rate Baby's room can't be done for another few weeks til we move all our stuff into the extension anyway. We have to move in with PIL in a few weeks when the builders have broken through the wall...

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 17/03/2014 23:21

Ok, one more week,then you have a lounge, grit teeth, head down, nearly there.

BackforGood · 17/03/2014 23:26

Financially, would it be possible to get a decorator in to finish it off? It wouldn't cost that much - ask around for recommendations - but would mean he wasn't letting people down and your stress levels will be lowered considerably.
Then, at some point in the coming weeks, you both need to sit and talk about how your lives will change once the baby arrives - all weekend on a hobby isn't really practical with a new baby and a full time job, and nor is a commute of 1.5hours.

Original poster

superlambanana · 17/03/2014 23:46

No spare money sadly - extension is eating it all up which is another thing stressing me.

I will wait til after the baby is here as per all advice but the way I feel now I will want to work part not full time. Financially it won't make any difference because of childcare costs and I can't deal with the commute every day with a baby in the mix too!

I feel okay about sorting things in the future - I'm just so stressed at the moment and not seeing DH is really not helping

OP posts:

HicDraconis · 18/03/2014 00:09

My DH isn't pregnant (obviously!) and we're not going through nearly such a busy phase as you! However I've recently quit my hobby (rehearsals & concerts involved, plus competing) as with full time work on top of the commitment the hobby required, I wasn't seeing him enough or supporting him enough with the house/children. He didn't have to ask, I worked out that he was overloaded and having me around those extra evenings and weekends really helped.

YANBU but maybe your DH needs it spelling out to him. He needs to step up and work with you on this.

PurpleRayne · 18/03/2014 08:51

Communicate? Assuming your relationship is sound. Sometimes you do need to spell out your feelings clearly, explain the impact on your stress levels, discuss, come to a mutually acceptable solution.

Joysmum · 18/03/2014 09:03

That's why many people are happy with a part time job I suppose because they work just enough to live.

TheBody · 18/03/2014 09:04

and you won't always have this much in your plate. decorating/extending is bloody stressful.

at least the baby will be out down and not move for at least 5/6 months so you have time to finish the decorating and baby proof.

once dh has finished this particular concert then maybe have a chat re going forward,

enjoy the baby.

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