To be scared to leave my bedroom?

[shouldnthavesaid]

I'm being pathetic, I know I am.

I share a flat with two girls. I've lived here 3, S 2 and D 1. D spends most of her time here, S spends a bit less and me the least as my mum lives just twenty miles away.

We're on completely separate tenancies, have a room each and share a bathroom/kitchennette. It's private halls basically.

At the weekend, I was out with my mum and got a sudden text from S.

She has been away for eight-ten weeks (not sure how long) on a placement. D has been in the flat. I have stayed in the flat I think 14 nights over 8 weeks.

In January - when S was away to leave for placement, D informed me she'd be moving away permanently too but not letting her room out til August.

I went to flat, figured I was alone for a couple of months and stupidly, left some stuff of mine in the lounge. I also moved a bookcase (which, as it stood, was full of my own property, pans and that) and cleaned the fridge out, cleaned behind cupboards and that. I put some books on the bookcase, couple of throws on the couch, cuddly toy and some candles. I also moved the couch as it was awkwardly placed. I also dried my washing on the clothes horse in the kitchen. I did nothing drastic - our furniture is all from Ikea, and on wheels so things can be shifted in seconds.

It was my full intention to put everything back quickly before S came back.

I also used the empty shelf in the fridge. Put three yogurts on it and nothing else.

My full intention was to work hard at uni, and stay at the flat for eight weeks.

Within 2 days D came back - decided against moving - acted normal, and we have been getting on brilliantly. Zero complaints from D about the kitchen. We worked together on keeping tidy etc. No problems at all and in fact we were getting on great. I was really happy. I didn't shift things as D wasn't annoyed.

S came back once or twice for weekends - normal, no complaints.

Bang goes my plans when things hit crisis at home 4 weeks in. Cat dies. Sister is sectioned. Mum unwell. I get D&V badly and struggle with uni. Lots of problems.

This weekend - S comes back full time without telling us. She texts me mind says she is not happy. I have apparently treated the flat as my own and she's angry. She and D are both fed up with me. Wants everything back in the places she left it immediately. No room for personal belongings in the kitchen at all. Reminds me she never said she was permanently going and it's wrong that I acted as if she was.

I text apologising, try to explain. I say I meant no harm. Say I feel awkward about coming back to flat now. She texts back that if I tidy up she will be fine.

I am in the city, so go with my mum (who was coming to visit anyway for cuppa) and tidy up as best as I can, as quickly as I can in Case they're waiting. Her parents are both stood in the kitchen talking and moving everything to exact way it was as S told them. I'm now mortified as realize they must have been discussing me too. D has seemed happy for ages, why did she say another thing behind my back?

I took hours to pluck up courage to come to my flat today. I'm now in my room, and don't feel able to leave.

I was bullied a lot at school and have an anxiety disorder. I don't do well with people my own age at all and struggle to say hello to my flat mates even. I was coping really well with talking to D and now I feel so stupid. All along she was fed up with me. I thought she bloody liked me.

I know I have to get out, I need to pee at the very least but I'm too scared. I'm waiting til I hear her and D go into their rooms and even then I'm not sure.

I've had problems in flats before - in my first year of uni I was fined by my flatmates if I ever left dishes in the sink and ended up having the flat under monitoring by halls staff as they said it was bullying/blackmail and that. In second year I ended up with severe depression and anxiety. Barely left my room for 8 months. In third year I moved in with a friend - who within 2 weeks, sent me a list 4 pages long of things I did that annoyed everyone. She used to follow me around the flat wAtching me clean and telling me when I wasn't doing it right. (though could write a book on experiences with her, was flat share from hell all round)

I'm probably an awful flatmate as I'm in and out so much. I have dyspraxia, I'm willing to admit I'm not spotlessly clean but I do my best. Both flatmates know I'm dyspraxic. D knows what it means as she's severely dyslexic.

I know I'm probably not much fun to live with at all, but I do try.

I don't know what to do. I'm probably totally overreacting and am prepared to be told to man up but I'm struggling. I'm between hiding here, anger at them, and anger at myself for being so stupid.

What am I best doing? I do need to pee so I should leave the room shouldn't I. But what about cooking.. And washing? Do I hang it in my room from now on (S frequently hangs hers in the kitchen too, we've done this for well over a year).

I'm sorry if I'm being over dramatic just feel knocked by this.

[namechangesforthehardstuff]

Honey you need to move this out of AIBU and get yourself into relationships or somewhere like that where some people with experience with your kind of anxiety can help you. You shouldn't have to be hiding in your room. You're a human being and you deserve to feel comfortable in your home. Fuck her fucking bin bags.

[innisglas]

Mmm, I was bullied in secondary school too and got a lot social anxiety as a consequence, then living in flat shares, if someone complained about my messiness I felt they were complaining about my very essence, oh it was so hard.
You have my sympathy, but try not to mistake differences of opinions or criticisms of your housekeeping as being more than just that.