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Original poster

to not understand - marriage proposals / taking husbands name.

93 replies

CwtchesAndCuddles · 16/03/2014 08:32

I've been trying to get my head around this for a while - why do some women expect a huge romantic traditional proposal and yet are mortally offended at the tradition of taking their husbands name?

Is it hypercritical to pick and choose which traditions to follow or is it perfectly reasonable?

No big proposal here, we had talked about marriage and I asked him on leap day without any fuss and I did take his name.

OP posts:
Fifyfomum · 16/03/2014 18:31

I liked to take my husbands name, mostly because it is a nicer name that my maiden name and not connected to my frankly awful family.

I think that 99% of the time the child moves with the mother, into a different relationship/house/village or whatever so it is nice for the child to have the fathers name because it connects them.

TheArmadillo · 16/03/2014 18:47

I hate the assumption that every woman who takes her husband's name is an anti-feminist idiot who did it because it was traditional with no thought whatsoever. I have seen quite nasty opinions on here towards those who take their husband's name.

I changed my name to my husband's. It was one of the reasons I got married. I come from an abusive family. Why the fuck would I want to have their name rather than that of the loving family I married into?

Pimpf · 16/03/2014 18:50

Surely you do what's right for you! Why is it anyone's else business if you have a big romantic proposal, you take his name, he takes yours, you double barrel or make one up? Why would anyone be offended?

Moonbeam7 · 16/03/2014 18:53

Paxtecum- I'm a mrs and I LOVE it. Yes I am proud of being married to hubby and want the world to know it!

AmberDextrous · 16/03/2014 18:55

My DH gave me a beautiful proposal.
That was his choice to do so. I loved it but I also chose to keep my own name - that was my choice.
Now I'm MrsDextrous.
I have no problem or feminist issues with people knowing I'm married, i like being married I just like my own name better!

Moonbeam7 · 16/03/2014 18:57

Pax(sorry forgot rest, phone is to fiddly to allow checking)- I'm a mrs (my surname) and I LOVE it. Yes I'm proud of being married to hubby an want the world to know it!

But me keeping my surname is more to do with my religion/way of life rather then being mortally offended by anything...

Snargaluff · 16/03/2014 19:01

I proposed to mine. People find it really surprising/ shocking.
I'm having his name because I want us all to have the same name when we have children.
No issue.

florascotia · 16/03/2014 19:31

The tradition of a wife taking her husband's name is relatively recent in some parts of the UK. In Scotland, no women changed their names on marriage until after around AD 1600, and the tradition of women using their birth names continued well into the 19th century. You can often find Victorian tombstones with names such as 'Mary Bruce wife of John Simpson', for example.

But as others have said, free individual choice/no judgements is surely what matters here. For what it's worth, the United Nations Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Discrimination Against Women gives women the right to choose their own names:
www.un.org/womenwatch/daw/cedaw/text/econvention.htm#article16

hiccupgirl · 16/03/2014 20:36

Do what you want to and you're comfortable with -at least nowadays we have that choice.

I didn't take my DH name because my name is mine and will always be the same. But I didn't wait for him to propose, I asked him one August day on a day out at a castle.

Titles are a bit tricky I find...I tend to say Mrs just because I find Ms clunky and when I was a classroom teacher Mrs hiccup was easier for the kids. But it's Mrs Maiden name so technically not correct.

perplexedpirate · 16/03/2014 20:44

Where the FUCK did I say moron?!
I would never say that.
What the actual?! That's crossing a huge fucking line!
An FYI and a Hmm face and you accuse me of that?!

Snargaluff · 16/03/2014 20:46

Someone else said moron

perplexedpirate · 16/03/2014 20:49

Someone else did a lot of things...
I used to say moron but it's threads on here that made me realise what horrid connotations it has and I would never in a million years use it now. I am ashamed. Probably a small overreaction due to that.

mrspremise · 16/03/2014 20:49

It's a decision to make a new family, ffs! I am perfectly fine with taking my husband's name (because it's cool) and starting a new family with him. is that so Hmm ?

LessMissAbs · 16/03/2014 20:50

You seem to be confusing romance and a proposal of marriage with a loss of identity, OP.

squoosh · 16/03/2014 20:55

I said moron. Why is 'moron' more offensive than 'idiot'?

I think it is moronic, and offensive, to suggest that a woman's name isn’t her own but merely an extension of her father’s.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 16/03/2014 21:01

Who the hell you talking to? With your effing and blinding and your line crossed? Pack it in.
Squoosh said moron
Its a frigging shitty word to use and i wont accept it.

Fair enough if people disagree about the history of names. I really couldnt give a shit. I think its an interesting history how it came to be and the history of marriage and daughters and land and power and agrrement and family names and male lines and all that but if others dont then thats fine.
But there is no need for them to use insulting words.

MorrisZapp · 16/03/2014 21:04

I've heard lots of reasons for individuals to take their husbands name, all valid and personal.

But men never take women's names, and nobody expects them to.

I find name changing in adulthood very odd, I get that it's a personal choice but likewise, I can't help my own opinion.

As for proposals, that's another world of bewilderment. In any serious relationship, both parties are surely involved in discussing the future, making commitments etc. The idea of women waiting to be asked is just odd to me. My friend did it and I was like whaaaat...

JohnFarleysRuskin · 16/03/2014 21:04

If I knew women like that I probably would think 'that's funny'
But I don't.

perplexedpirate · 16/03/2014 21:08

Oh I see, you are being deliberately obtuse, for reasons entirely unfathomable.
You said I called you a moron. I said I didn't and wouldn't use the word as it's horribly offensive.
You said you wouldn't accept me saying it as it's horribly offensive.
Ha! Grin
You are the one throwing around unfounded accusations so may I respectfully suggest you wind your neck in.

anothermrssmith · 16/03/2014 21:11

I got married within 6 weeks of 4 of my friends (autumn /winter 2012 was a busy one!) and for the proposal none of us girls got the classic BIG proposal. Personally we had talked about marriage but hubby officially asked me at 1am, while in bed drinking a cup of tea! And for us it was perfect.

As for the surname 2 of us changed, 1 didn't and another hyphenated. We all have our reasons for that, I changed as I had a fairly unusual surname that nobody could pronounce never mind spell so going from that to Smith was brilliant! My friend who kept her name is a psychologist who has published articles so for her it made more sense to keep her name and my friend that hyphenated is American where that seems to be much more common than it is here (though I believe hyphenating is becoming much more common here now). No judgement from anyone for any of our decisions we just did what suited us, which is how is should be.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 16/03/2014 21:12

Now you are being ridiculous.
At no point did i say you called me a moron.

i responded in a paragraph to the person who did.
i would have thought that was quite clear.
One person calls me a moron.
One person does not.
What is more likely? That i make the comment to the person who used the word or the person who did not?

What is the matter with you?

perplexedpirate · 16/03/2014 21:17

Love the way you're taking this up with me, rather than the person who actually said it.
Anyway, apologies for the very rude hijack, OP.
I'll disappear now, because it's entirely unfair to have this ludicrous argument on your actually rather interesting thread.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 16/03/2014 21:24

Oh come off it. Now you just want to fight.
I DID Take it up with them! I was addressing them in the first place. You are the one who responded to my comment to them with your outraged fuck and your line.
I then tell you you are wrong and you carry on fighting me.
I ask you what is more likely. That i am saying it to the person who used the word or the person who did not and you got angrier still.
What happened was you failed to see the remark made to me and so assumed i had plucked a word out of thin air and attributed it to you. When simply flicking back through the thread would have clearly shown who i was talking to you chose not to do that but continue to pretend i was talking to you about that word.
It would have been so much easier for you to say oh i didnt see that other persons comment and i thought you were talking to me. Sorry.
But you just want to fight me about it for some reason. And when i point out you attacked me in error i am the bad guy again.

BOFtastic · 16/03/2014 21:33

Have we had a thread recently about the word 'moron'? I noticed that it got deleted as disablist language the other day. But as squoosh says, it has the same root use as 'idiot', which I've never seen anyone object to. What's the thinking on it?

usualsuspectt · 16/03/2014 21:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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