Aibu? or is dsis?

[Puttheshelvesup]

Hi
My dsis has a ds who is 18 months old, and he is lovely. My ds2 is 3 years old, and is less than impressed with his cousin. Naturally, dn will often try to take toys from ds2. This doesn't bother me, it's what babies and toddlers do sometimes. However, dsis does not intervene when dn does this. Instead she says to my ds "Mini Shelves, you are bigger than your cousin. If you don't want him to take the toy you must keep hold of it". She never says "no" to dn. If I am present I will find another toy to give dn and return the stolen goods to ds.

It happened a few days ago and dsis said to me "I think we are going to have to talk to Mini Shelves and tell him since he is bigger than his cousin he should not let him take things from him." I told her that I disagreed, and that Dn should be told by the supervising adult that he is not to take toys from other children. She mumbled "I suppose so', and then we got chatting about other things.

Now I have vocalised my opinion I am second guessing myself. I don't think IABU, but I feel I should get others perspective before deciding for sure how to deal with any future toy disputes. Dsis and I are fine BTW, no falling out or tension during that conversation or afterwards.

Perhaps should have put 'trivial' in the title....

I think your right, your ds should not have to assert himself thats dn's mothers job.
I wouldnt want to tell a 3 yr old to 'stand your ground' over a small toddler, its open to misinterpretation at that age and you dont want to then end up all like 'no mini shelves' if hes too abrupt about it IYSWIM.

Toddlers don't need a double negative to try and figure out - Dn needs to be told no

I think each mother educates their own child about what's going on i.e. little one, don't take without permission; elder one, little ones don't really understand yet so don't be too harsh.
The really important thing is for the adults to stay in harmony because the children won't remember long term anyway.

In agreement with you, 18 months is old enough to understand a lot of what is being said, so should definately be reinforcing sharing and not snatching.

She needs to start teaching him at some point and it's better to begin gently now than to let him get away with it then suddenly start jumping in and stopping him. He wouldn't understand why it was OK yesterday but not today.

She doesn't need to tell him off, just get him to hand the item back then distract him with something else.

Tbh it's neither here nor there for your Ds but your sister is not going to be surrounded by parents willing to pick up the slack for her as time goes on - at groups, nursery, softplay etc dn will be around children that aren't family and their parents are highly unlikely to follow dsis' advice, particularly as many of us put work in to the exact opposite of 'they're smaller than you stand your ground'! I would be so unimpressed if she intervened and said that to my youngest and it would be on her head when mine yanked back a toy and sent her Ds face first to the ground.

It sounds like a path of least resistance pfb thing and yanbu. If she took what you said on board then perhaps a gentle nudge to encourage her next time will help - even if it just sets the rules in your house. She is just on the cusp of getting a fully fledged toddler rather than a baby, she doesn't have to say no if she doesn't want to (in my innocence many years & dc ago I really did think there was a better way, luckily ds1 survived and is quite lovely in spite of this) but she'll have to find some effective methods pdq or it'll be carnage. You're a very nice sister to have been so understanding and tactful.

You are right! 18 months is plenty old enough to be reinforcing not snatching.

Sort of both. DN needs to learn how to share, and DS needs not to give in every single time (which is also part of sharing).