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Original poster

MIL coming to stay to look after daughter during easter hols - bedroom and bed issues

77 replies

bubbles11 · 14/03/2014 13:59

DH invited his mother to come & look after our daughter for one week of easter hols
We live 4 hours away from MIL. She is mid 60s divorce with gentleman friend ("GF") who is mid 70s and does everything for her
There is a bit of history re: MIL divorce from FIL and DH response to that but basically he gets on ok with his mother
DH is not good at communicating. In jan this year DH said to me "shall I ask my mother down" to which I emailed him yes but what are the sleeping arrangements and is GF going to come too etc, shall we buy a sofabed (we only have enough bedrooms for me daughter and son). However we have a single bed. DH said MIL can sleep on single bed. GF has now phoned DH and said "am I invited too and I am going to book into b&b". DH now shouting at me that it is going to cost MIL and GF hundreds of pounds in b&b costs and they will have to sleep in our double bed instead and DH and I will sleep on an air bed in the living room. We did this (sleeping on airbed) regularly for christmases when MIL came down when we were first together (early 30s) but now I have two little ones and more than 10 years later - am I being unreasonable to be annoyed that DH has stubbornly refused to buy a sofabed or in any way address the sleeping arrangements? Initially he is suggesting he (DH) sleeps on single bed and I sleep on floor. I am guessing MIL wants GF to come down because she does not want to drive 4 hours herself and GF wants to stay purely because he does not fancy an 8 hour round trip to escort her down and then go home (very reasonable). MIL has previously openly said she dislikes me but I am polite and respectful of her and we have never openly had a fall out. I should just suck it up and sleep on the floor and forget my husbands refusal to buy a sofabed shouldnt i?? By way of postscript I have enough annual leave to take to look after daughter myself and my own parents have offered to have me and son at their house that week so there would be enough beds at our home (MIL and GF in our bed, husband in single bed etc)

OP posts:
HumphreyCobbler · 14/03/2014 14:01

ffs, HE should sleep on the floor!

BumpyGrindy · 14/03/2014 14:01

HOw well do you know this GF? I would not be comfortable with any of this...you're basically inviting a strange man into your home to care for your child!

LeaveYourSisterBe · 14/03/2014 14:01

Why can't you say "no I'm not sleeping on the floor, we're buying a sofabed, otherwise you are sleeping on the floor and I'm in the single bed"?

HarpyFishwifeTwat · 14/03/2014 14:01

Fuck that - I give up my bed for no-one. If you don't need her to stay and look after DD then tell your pillock of a husband that you can save MIL & GF a lot of money by them not coming at all.

NurseyWursey · 14/03/2014 14:02

Why can't you just go and buy a sofabed? I'm assuming you share funds? It's not just your husband's decision and he's being bloody stupid. Why should you have to be in discomfort.

mousmous · 14/03/2014 14:02

yanbu
send dh to ikea and get this

seesensepeople · 14/03/2014 14:02

What's stopping you buying the sofabed?

StanleyLambchop · 14/03/2014 14:02

If you don't actually need her for childcare then it is to all purposes a social visit? Is she also looking after your son, or is he too old to need care? Do you need permission to buy a sofa bed- can't you just go out and buy it? Problem solved!

mousmous · 14/03/2014 14:03

or just get a cheap double matress from argos as your guest bed.

pictish · 14/03/2014 14:04

Agree with Fishwife - I wouldn't be giving up my bed. Not a chance!

magesticmallow · 14/03/2014 14:04

HUH??? Your dh wants the bed and wants you to sleep on the floor????

YouTheCat · 14/03/2014 14:05

How come he gets the single bed and you have to kip on the floor?

Take your kids to your parents and let him stew with his dm.

scarletforya · 14/03/2014 14:05

Your 'd' h suggested you sleep on the floor while he gets a bed? He shouts at you?

Who the fuck does he think he is?

Annianni · 14/03/2014 14:09

Do you want her to stay?
If the answer is no, then cancel the visit altogether.

I don't do any of this having visitors crap and it's great.
But if I did, then I certainly wouldn't be giving my bed up... Never mind sleeping on the floor.

theeternalstudent · 14/03/2014 14:10

Are you even sure that the boyfriend wants to stay at your house? He might actually prefer to stay in a B&B. He might just see this as a little holiday. I would check that out first before you go and buy a sofa bed.

If I was the boyfriend and wasn't short of funds I would want to be in that B&B!

Original poster
bubbles11 · 14/03/2014 14:10

Trouble is early in our courtship 14 or so years ago I was accommodating. MIL came for christmas every single year. A precedent was set. After we had two children when daughter was 2 and son was 6 months she came one christmas and slept in our double bed with GF, husband and I slept on airbed. I found it torture, especially as it because clear she disliked me and that husband is to a greater or lesser extent a little bit of a mummys boy. After an agonising festive season I tried to move away from the idea that she comes to us every single christmas. The next christmas MIL did not come to ours however DH made comments like "you've ruined christmas" (i.e me) - i guess because his mum was not there. Last christmas she did not come and the atmosphere was much better and I thought he had started to move a bit more independent of his mum. I would like to get to the stage where his mum can come and we can all be happy but the scenario where I am sleeping on the floor again 14 years on from first meeting DH and being almost in my mid 40s feels (i) a bit studenty (ii) something MIL will love to see (or maybe I am being paranoid) (iii) something where he is saying "I am NOT forking out for a sofabed" and due to me earning less than him he is blackmailing me on the expense of it etc
if I suggest I take our youngest (our son) to my parents for the week DH goes mad as I guess he wants MIL to see him as Daddy of the house with me there and DH and I going off to work in the morning etc. (Something to do with the fact that MIL left FIL for another man and DH maybe has issues with women disrespecting men - from the depth of my heart I want to keep out of it hence I want to go to my own parents for that week with my son and leave DH to it with his mother)
Its a can of worms isnt it

OP posts:
Original poster
bubbles11 · 14/03/2014 14:14

theeternalstudent GF is wealthy and does not like any of this crap - he does not have children and never got married and I think MIL is his first relationship. I am sure he wants to stay in a B&B and can well afford it - however MIL has always refused is regular requests to get married and so she likes to keep an air of financial independence. Hence MIL would like to stay at our house for whatever her own reasons are. MIL is not particularly wealthy. However she does often go on holiday with GF and he "treats" her to nice things. GF does whatever MIL wants and MIL resfuses to do things GF wants (apart from MIL regularly cooks him sunday lunch and has nursed him thro an illness or two but they dont live together, he visits her)
But to be frank my deepest desire is to have nothing to do with it - coward that i am

OP posts:
eurochick · 14/03/2014 14:14

It sounds like your husband has ishoooos.

I don't see why you just can't buy a sofabed for them to stay on.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 14/03/2014 14:18

Just buy a sofabed - your a grown up now, you can buy a sofa bed all by yourself without anybodys permission

Original poster
bubbles11 · 14/03/2014 14:24

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow you are right
he will hate it but you are right

OP posts:
MangoBiscuit · 14/03/2014 14:27

Why do you have to be the one on the floor? You asked at the time if this would need to be addressed. If your DH has stuck his head in the sand that's his problem. He can either accept it needs to be sorted now, or he can be the one going without a bed for a week. If he tries to lord his higher wages over you, point out that it's HIS mother's boyfriend that's staying as an extra therefore requiring the extra bed, and it's HIS mother that's visiting, on HIS invitation. If it wasn't for your DH, you wouldn't be needing to buy a sofa bed at all.

ikeaismylocal · 14/03/2014 14:32

Why can't your dh sleep on the floor?

If mil wants to see both kids why don't you just go to your parents? Is your youngest a breastfed baby? Is there a reason you can't leave him?

Your dh is being very unreasonable, he has lots of options, buy a sofa bed, send mil's partner the list of some local b+bs, sleep on the floor. He can choose the option her likes best, just make it clear to him that you sleeping on a blow up bed in your own home isn't an option.

Nomama · 14/03/2014 14:35

The rules go like this:

My family visits I worry about amusing them and accommodating them, I sleep on the floor, or whatever is required.

Your family visits then he does the thinking, arranging and he gets put out.

I know what my family like and will put up with better then you do and vice versa.

Why is it some people (men?) don't get this?

whattheholyfeck · 14/03/2014 14:37

I would suggest you take yourself off to your parents house (or if you can afford it, a hotel with a spa Grin) and enjoy a bit of peace and quiet.

In the nicest possible way, fuck em.

whois · 14/03/2014 14:40

Two easy options here I think.

  1. You sleep in single bed and DH goes on the floor.
  2. A sofa decent bed is purchase ASAP and MIL and GF sleep on that.