Bitterness is definitely the angry cousin of self-pity and God forbid that I should ever sink into a hole made by that. But I can feel myself sometimes feeling very very resentful about being kicked by life.
In short - partner of two decades left a couple of years ago. He wanted to be free, I had changed after my daughter and a serious illness - the typical script, really. Told me to move on etc etc.
In those years I have struggled a fair bit and my daughter has developed ongoing mental health issues. My own physical health has gone downhill and I have developed tumours, which have stopped responding to the chemo I take. So off for radiotherapy and sod it, I am fed up with treatment, hospitals and illness. My daughter at least seems to be coming through her problems but now it has become unpleasant with him because I am asking for more than 50% of the house. He is a salaried person and I have no idea what my future holds. He is on a film and he earns over £2,200 a week. He has another film lined up after that one and is very well-respected in his industry. Considered a 'lovely bloke' by all. I felt the same about him for 20 years but he has been so neglectful of his daughter and has ignored calls for help and emotional support.
It just seems very unequal and I am taking less and less interest in life. The colour seems to have faded from things. I do have good friends and a lovely family - all glorious blessings. I have had some fabulous support too from Mumsnetters, particularly when I considered suicide. But I feel ill, exhausted and now trying to make money when I actually want to rest. I feel as if I have tried to be a good person, to do no harm. I don't want to be all twisted about things but I feel life turning sour, while his star rises. I am not well enough to have a relationship either.
In part, I need to rant and moan at the world. Best to do it here because people in real life don't know what goes on in my heart.
What tips for anti-bitterness? I don't want to be that person...