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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with the neighbours???

60 replies

MrsBootTheFarmer · 13/03/2014 23:35

Guys, I think I need a reality check but definitely need to vent. Absolutely fuming about neighbours complaining about No1 crying in the night. I'd appreciate some different views/ experiences.

With out boring you with all the details we live in a top floor flat sharing a stair well with 3 other flats.

No2 is all of 5 weeks old and in the last month of the No2s pregnancy, 21 month No1 started waking at night and deciding to cry/ scream instead of self settle. The worst week had 3 of these wakings; each time probably involved about 1 hour of white noise.

I'm sure it wasn't pleasant to listen to, but getting a knock on the door at 12 midnight and 2am the next time did nothing for our nerves, and this after No2 was born!
We were then basically invited, by several emails and texts, to discuss the "noise" at a meeting with the 2 of the other 3 flats???? WTF? This was to include 2 lodgers from one flat whom we'd never even met! We would be out numbered 5 to 2...

I'd totally understand if we were smoking crack on the stairs and leaving the kids to get their own fried chicken, but I thought we got on with these people....

Try not to be too harsh, they're not in league with the devil and No2 is keeping us awake so I might be getting my knickers in a twist over nothing.

OP posts:
lougle · 14/03/2014 07:10

Why did you see screaming/crying as white noise? White noise is the complete opposite of that. It's shrill, distressing and impossible to ignore (which is why it was sometimes used as part of a torture regime during interrogation).

HannerHet · 14/03/2014 07:26

Are you leaving the 21month old to cry for an hour in the hope they will self settle? If so YABU

kungfupannda · 14/03/2014 07:33

Like other posters, I think it depends on what you are doing about it. If you are leaving the 21 month old to cry (which your reference to self-settling strongly suggests) then I think YABVU.

If you are up, trying everything and he/she is literally inconsolable, then YANBU and you need to meet the neighbours and make it clear that you are trying to deal with it. It might be slightly easier for them to cope with if they know you're not just lying in bed with pillows over your ears.

withextradinosaurs · 16/03/2014 15:22

As KFP says, if you were my neighbours a quick chat about the noise in passing would go a long way. After my neighbours moved in their toddlers, in the bedroom next to mine, were awake screaming on average 3 times a night for about 6 months.

"Oh, I hope the DCs aren't too noisy" she said one day as we were putting the bins out. I didn't say the truth. I shrugged and said "babies cry, don't they" and congratulated myself for being understanding.

If she had been "suck it up, bitch, kids cry" I'd have been much more confrontational.

McFox · 16/03/2014 15:37

I understand that often nothing can be done, but you need to understand it from their point of view too. We have a 3 month old baby in the bedroom directly under ours, and sometimes it's torture. My DH is up at 6am and not home until 8pm every night. Now we have to go to eat quickly and go to bed at 10am so that he can get a few hours sleep in before the crying starts and we're awake again. This isn't just detrimental to work, but to our relationship.

If you're leaving your child to self-settle then YABU. You have no idea what effect this is having on your neighbours.

BrianTheMole · 16/03/2014 15:46

An hours worth of crying 3 times a week isn't white noise op Confused. Are you going in to settle your dc or leaving him/her to cry?

Joysmum · 16/03/2014 16:36

I reckon your neighbours must be in this thread given the automatic assumption you're self soothing or it's your fault. I've been very lucky with my DD but know many friends who have had similar issues...and no, they don't use the self soothe method although I did and it worked.

Pumpkinpositive · 16/03/2014 16:40

"White noise" - WTF?? Confused

Tryharder · 16/03/2014 16:43

I agree with Sarenice. A toddler crying for an hour is distressing and unnecessary. You need to rethink how you deal with night wakening.

Nanny0gg · 16/03/2014 16:52

If your babies/children cry for long periods, please tell me you take them out of their bedrooms as far away from party walls as possible whilst you calm them down?

TwittyMcTwitterson · 16/03/2014 18:22

My DD is an horrific sleeper. She has probably slept through ten times in 2.5 years. She is in the room attached to my neighbours. We live in an end terrace. I always apologise. They say no worries as they've had kids and understand. I'm not sure id be so understanding but there isn't anything I can do. I go to her instantly and cuddle her and she sleeps. They're probably woken up for five mins max but still feel guilty.

I don't know what they expect you to go. Just go with an apologetic face Grin

CrohnicallyChanging · 16/03/2014 20:08

NannyOgg- no can do, we have party walls both sides of our house so wherever you go, you are against a party wall. Besides, if I got DD out of her room to calm her then she'd just start up again when I returned her to her room. Better to soothe her where she is.

As withextradinosaurs suggests, if your baby does cry for a long time, better to approach your neighbours and apologise /explain they are unwell, teething, night terrors or whatever. Even if they are annoyed, it's hard to be rude when someone is apologising to you.

RedFocus · 16/03/2014 20:54

I feel sorry for my neighbours...my son is 10 and he still cries like a baby when he doesn't get his own way Wink
Seriously though op just ignore them. Good luck and I hope you all get a decent nights sleep.

sarahquilt · 16/03/2014 21:00

YANBU. The people downstairs have a crying baby but I'd never complain. It's not like they're making the baby cry deliberately. Your neighbours sound like dicks.

Nanny0gg · 16/03/2014 21:07

So if both sides are a party wall, then at least go downstairs!

It may upset your routine if you get them sleeping downstairs and then you put them to bed but it's far more considerate!

That's what I did for 2.5. years when my DC1 wouldn't sleep! Never left them in their room to disturb the neighbours when it was prolonged crying.

ProlificPenguin · 16/03/2014 21:07

Totally with your neighbours on this. YABU to leave a child cry/scream for an hour.

Sneezecakesmum · 16/03/2014 21:09

What in heavens name are you letting a toddler scream for an hour at a time several times a night. Ffs. YABVU. He/she is obviously NOT self soothing so you need to soothe her until she readjusts to a new baby.

RightsaidFreud · 16/03/2014 21:11

YABU about leaving your 21 month old to cry at night. Of course everyone expects babies to cry from time to time, but it sounds like your leaving your older child to cry and that is just not on, esp as you live in a flat. Hearing a child cry isn't 'white noise' its bloody awful, esp when its not your own. You have a tolerance for it, it was your choice to have kids, it wasn't your neighbours choice to have to listen to your toddler crying for hours on end.

CrohnicallyChanging · 16/03/2014 21:12

Nanny ogg- But then DD would cry when I put her back in bed, so you're only delaying the inevitable (she doesn't sleep as well anywhere but her cot, so for her sake I wouldn't want to keep her downstairs all night). She doesn't have the 'transferability gene' and will ALWAYS wake if you try to put her down or move her while she's asleep.

Rest assured, I will always do what I can to minimise her crying (at any time, but especially in the night) but what worked for you might not work for someone else.

hugoagogo · 16/03/2014 21:20

It sounds like you had the kind of baby you could move without waking Nanny not all babies are alike. Both mine could not be moved an inch without waking.

Flats and babies are not ideal, when ds was born we lived in a crappy flat and the people down stairs used to like to pound on the ceiling- what with I never found out- the moment ds started to cry. We took great pleasure in making as much noise as possible early on the morning we moved out.

You have my sympathy.

ikeaismylocal · 16/03/2014 21:50

Yanbu.

We live in a flat with a shared wall between our bedroom and next door's bedroom.

Our neighbors have a ds a month younger than our ds and he woke up screaming for 20 minutes+ up to 10 times a night. The parents comforted him and tried to settle him but he was very hard to settle. We co-sleep and ds never ever cried in the night as he just breastfed and then went back to sleep if he woke. We just felt sorry for our neighbors and thankful that we had a reasonable sleeper.

The neighbors with the baby moved and a single guy moved in. A couple of weeks later I got pregnant and had flu, I physically couldn't breastfeed ds anymore, I was so run down and exhausted.

We night weaned ds, he cried for an hour one night ( we shushed/cuddled/sang/patted him but all he wanted was boob) I did feel bad for our new neighbor, I went to try to talk to him the day after but he wasn't in. From that night ds has not cried and mot breastfed at night. Mostly he sleeps through, occasionally he wakes for a cuddle ( we still co-sleep)

I think it's regrettable that our neighbor was disturbed but we needed to do it. I think that it is one of the risks of living in apartments, if you want silence you need to move to a detached house rather than those who make noise ( for whatever reason) being made to feel bad.

RightsaidFreud · 16/03/2014 22:13

"I think that it is one of the risks of living in apartments, if you want silence you need to move to a detached house rather than those who make noise ( for whatever reason) being made to feel bad"

But exactly the same could be said for those with children/people who want to make noise, why don't they move to a detached place so they can make all the noise they want and don't disturb anyone?

I think in an ideal world everyone would like to live in a detached house, but few can afford them!

maddening · 16/03/2014 23:16

please could you clarify what you were doing to appease the crying ?

RaspberryRuffle · 16/03/2014 23:45

LOL at "white noise".

Misspixietrix · 17/03/2014 00:08

Of course it's horrid being woken at 2am but how exactly do the neighbours knocking on the door...also at 2am expect this to be placating?! The parents aren't exactly having a good time neither.