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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be actually embarassed about my first marriage?

42 replies

balenciaga · 13/03/2014 16:45

It was 10 years ago this year which I think is why I have thought about it recently. I was 24, had been with the guy 8 years and he'd proposed, god knows why, the relationship was shit tbh and we were already both bored to tears with each other. we genuinely really loved eachother (in a teenage way) for the first couple of years, but the relationship had run its course a couple of years in but neither of us dared admit it I don't think.

By the time he proposed, I'd already had several dalliances behind his back over the years, in fact I was meeting up and snogging some other guy secretly in the months running up to the wedding (i know. awful of me)....I don't know why the hell i agreed to get married, i don't know why i didn't run a mile before even being proposed to.....guess I was just scared of the unknown, I had been with him so long, he was all i knew, and honestly felt that no one else would want me

oh god the months running up to it were horrendous, it was like being on a runaway train, I just wanted to get off but daren't tell anyone, as everyone thought we were so perfect (lol if only they knew). I felt so trapped. the whole thing was a joke, the honeymoon and everything just a big charade

I can't believe I stood in church and said vows I knew i didn't mean :( I cant believe I let my parents and his parents fork out thousands for the wedding, the reception, etc. I am quite ashamed tbh and I honestly think if I ever won the lottery or anything I would pay them back, every penny. if any of my dcs did what I did I would be ashamed of them.

the "marriage" lasted less than a year. I got pregnant (somehow, god knows how as I never wanted to even shag him) , we argued the whole pregnancy, he was vile to me and it was horrendous, i just thought WTF have I done. but i had ds, and chucked H out when ds was a tiny baby. I then met my now dh when ds was a year old and as cheesy as it sounds it was just instant head over heels love for both of us, completely different in every way from what I had with exH. and when I married my now-H in a quiet registry office ceremony I meant every word and wanted it 100% and it was honestly the best day of my life. he took on ds, we have a dd together and expecting another very soon.

luckily exH and I get on ok now, and he has a good relationship with our ds. But, i cringe looking back at it all. and it wasn't even like i was some silly teenager, i was 25 fgs. has anyone else had / done similar? please say its not just me!

OP posts:

heatseeker14 · 13/03/2014 23:06

I was married at 20 (nearly 21) separated 2 years later I loved ExH but nothing compared to how I love DH2.
I felt suffocated toward the end of our relationship and I am so glad that I had the courage to move out and go ahead with a divorce.
But I have to admit and I don't know why but I think I will be embarrassed to admit it to my kids... It seems so long ago now that it feels that it happened to someone else.

Thumbcat · 14/03/2014 10:52

You describe exactly how I felt about my first marriage. I was 19 and it lasted four years. It's not worth dwelling on though. I was a completely different person then and now it's seems more like something I watched on TV rather than something that actually happened in my life. Like you, with my now DH I knew it was completely right.

DietCokeMultipackCan · 14/03/2014 10:56

You are being too hard on yourself. I think a lot of people who get married with little experience of relationships end up feeling like you did. A friend cancelled her wedding last minute which was awful for everyone, including her fiancé but two years on, she has moved on with someone else and is
sickeningly happy.

TOADfan · 14/03/2014 11:05

No a marriage but I understand how your feeling. I was looking to buy a house with my ex and marriage was talked about, but I knew we weren't good together, I never even imagined us together for 6 months let alone 3 years. I was just afraid of being single and that I wouldnt find anyone else.

Luckily we came to a mutal break up and I met now DP 2 months later. didnt stop ex trying to get back with me

SlightlyDampWellies · 14/03/2014 11:22

Oh you are really being too hard on yourself. I would have married my first bf, and it would have been a disaster. People make mistakes.

My Best friend however, DID marry her first bf at the age of 19. it was a mistake, she knew it at the time, and she refused to get divorced as she said it would be embarrassing to divorce so young.

It is 21 years later- they are still married. They cannot tolerate each other, and now she just says it is 'too late' and she should have gotten divorced years ago. You had the courage to end it, and allow both of you to find other people. AND you have a lovely child. AND you get on well now. That sounds like a success to me, not a failure.

IdaClair · 14/03/2014 11:30

I have a friend who did this, first of her parents brood to be married, they spent tens of thousands on the wedding, I think they worked it out after it cost them about £2k for every month they ended up married as they filed for divorce 9 months later!

She paid for her second wedding herself....

I wouldn't be embarrassed, better to regret the things you do than the things you don't do.

bibliomania · 14/03/2014 11:44

I had a very short and cringeworthy marriage. Everyone could see it was a disaster waiting to happen - except me. And I was rather older than you are, so have less of an excuse...

On the bright side, we did the wedding itself on the cheap.

alwaysneedaholiday · 14/03/2014 11:50

Not marriage, but an engagement. I blush just thinking about it, and absolutely hate discussing it.

We all make mistakes - thank goodness we grow up and stop making quite so many of them.

Remember you got a lovely DS out of your mistake - not all bad!

AboveTheOxbow · 14/03/2014 11:56

I almost had a starter marriage. Ended up being a runaway bride instead. It was the biggest deal in the world at the time and now it's not much more than an interesting dinner party anecdote.

I am embarrassed, however, about the crap 7 year relationship that preceeded the break-up. What was I thinking all that time?

Cheesesticks · 14/03/2014 12:00

That could be my story except I've never had children with him, if I every mention it to anyone I tell I did love him when we got married, I think I say that to make myself feel better about it because if I tell the truth I didn't love him in our wedding day :( happily married now :)

PoshPaula · 14/03/2014 13:02

Give yourself a break. Life is all about making mistakes. There is nothing wrong with failure. Once I understood that, I felt a whole lot better about my past.

maras2 · 14/03/2014 13:24

YNBU . I'd be embarassed too . No harm done longterm so don't keep harping back and enjoy the rest of your life . Just wondering though , is your user name anything to do with having the posh wedding ? Lovely bespoke gown and all that ; I've known women who have done the whole extravaganza just for the posh frock .

bibliomania · 14/03/2014 13:26

"Better to try all things and to find them empty, than to try nothing and leave your life a blank (Charlotte Bronte)

Original poster

balenciaga · 14/03/2014 15:05

oh god no maras :o my first wedding dress was a £200 thing from Debenhams bridal section ..... its only recently my tastes have got more expensive sophisticated :o

and omg slightlydampwellies that really is sad :( for both parties, god, what an absolute waste of lives being with the wrong person. bloody hell.

thanks for all the replies btw

OP posts:

maras2 · 14/03/2014 15:17

Good woman yerself . My gorgeous wedding dress cost £12 in the C and A sale 1975 . DC's and now DGC's have it in their dress up box .

oldwomaninashoe · 14/03/2014 15:28

I am only embarrassed by the fact that my first husband (aged 19) did not want to sleep with me at all which was the main reason the marriage didn't last, that and his belief that he was superior to me!

Been married to DH2 for 30+years, second time lucky!

Original poster

balenciaga · 14/03/2014 15:33

aww maras that's lovely

when I got married this time my dress was £14, and very untraditional, I still looked 100 times better then I did on my first wedding day even though I was ahem a little bit older ;)

I would like to think dd would wear it on hers, but probably wishful thinking :o

and don't be embarrassed oldwoman your ex is the one who should be embarrassed, what 19 year old guy does not want sex fgs :o ....glad you are happy now though x

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