Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To expect DM to want to spend time with me & my sons when we visit

49 replies

Albertatata · 12/03/2014 19:01

This is long as i don't want to drip feed. We live over 200 miles away from both sets of grandparents. We have two DS 2.5yrs and 5 months, so DH booked this week off work & we hired a car and decided to spend a week seeing the grandparents (both sets live about 30mibs away from each other).

My DM house is small so the plan was just for myself and DS2 to stay over at DM and DH and DS2 to go back to PIL for the evening. We were meant to be spending tues & wed with DM.

Arrive early tues and suggest going to local farm (my DS1 definitely needs to run around to burn off energy, staying inside would not be an option on such a beautiful day). DM said she didn't want to go but I suggested the we wanted to spend time with her so in the end she came & we had a nice time - although she never interacts with the children (but she isn't very mumsy). In the afternoon she refused to come to the local playground or the shop or for a walk around the park so she sat at home whilst we went out. DH and DS1 go off for the evening & she was able to walk to local bar to have a couple if glasses of wine!

Next day we had planned to meet up at local national trust property with amazing gardens & great for kids - take picnic etc. one hr before we were due to set off she announces she doesn't feel up to it and will drop me off but doesn't want to come.

I feel really upset that she doesn't seem to actually want to spend time with me & my family. She lives alone and I think she does find it tiring when she sees us but I get grief for not visiting her but when I do she just doesn't want to actually spend time with us or I feel like I have to force her.

In the end we went to spend the day with PILS instead and not staying over there tonight now.

AIBU to feel a bit let down, I'm struggling with two and it would be nice if DM could just help a little or at least show some sort of interest. I have one older sister who is the same and has absolutely no interest in my children so feeling a bit sorry for myself!

OP posts:

mrsjay · 12/03/2014 20:02

I think doing stuff together is great I am just wondering if her mum just didnt want to wander about outside all day the op isnt U to feel upset it is upsetting when they wont engage with the children but I do think they need to re think visits and it not being about the children all the time and their needs

fluffyraggies · 12/03/2014 20:04

My outlaws were like this. We would drive miles to see them (London to Folkeston, kent) and then when we wanted to rake the kids to see the sea later that day, or on day 2, or whatever, it was all a bit cats bum face and 'we cant be arsed to go with you cos we've seen it all before, we live here,' sort of thing

... so we would just bugger off out without them i'm afraid. Who would want 3 under 5s cooped up in a tiny living room when theres a sea front down the road ?!

Xmasbaby11 · 12/03/2014 20:10

YANBU! It's really disappointing. I have a similar thing with my parents and in laws. They are always surprised that we can't spend a day chilling out at home with a highly energetic 2 yo DD. It's also difficult with timings as it's hard to get them out of the house before 11, then by the time we arrive it's practically DD's lunchtime! They are trying to be more flexible now and we try to be flexible too.

I think you can discuss it in advance and perhaps plan half days rather than full days out. Yes, many elderly people have bags of energy and/or enjoy kids at that age at that age, but clearly your MIL doesn't so there's not much you can do apart from find something she is happy with.

MrsAmaretto · 12/03/2014 20:22

YANBU

I have to laugh at the posters who think a visit can't be about a 2.5year olds needs & a 5month olds. What on earth do you think a 2.5year old will do in a house with no toys, tv or garden? Let mummy sit and have a quiet cup of tea with granny??!!! Eh, no.

I think the next time your mum moans at you about visiting you have to be honest and ask her how she imagines the visit. If she goes on about spending time with the grandchildren, pull her up on this visit.

mewkins · 12/03/2014 21:39

We are lucky in that my parents and dmil are very much into day trips, exploring and getting outside. Dfil when he visits however has no interest in dc, ignores her and only talks about himself. He only stops by for an hour or so every 6 months so not too bad. If your dm doesn't want to go to the places you suggest then she should come up with some suggestions of her own.

EurotrashGirl · 13/03/2014 06:34

Is it possible that she is suffering from depression?

24again · 13/03/2014 06:45

Some older people seem to forget what life is like with two small children. Life revolves around them and that's it. You have to keep the children entertained otherwise you'll have hell. You sound very reasonable, your mother not so much.

sarahquilt · 13/03/2014 06:47

I can kind of see the granny's perspective tbh. Some people just aren't that interested in small children. it doesn't make them bad people. I think the suggestion about you having a day alone with her while DH takes them out is a good one.

Original poster

Albertatata · 13/03/2014 07:48

Thanks everyone but the chance of having a day alone with her is impossible as DS2 is breastfed and refuses bottle & at the mo seems to be feeding hrly so I can't leave him. Also I think mum needs to realise that I have a family now and I need to put my DS before her, as she is an adult after all.

I think she is very much used to her own way and doing what she wants and she is stuck in a rut. I've got to admit she seems so much older than 64 at the moment and its a self perpetuating cycle. I can see how she can find it all tiring but all we were doing was walking to a park 5 mins away and pushing a swing - it's not really that much to ask.

Maybe she was feeling under the weather, maybe she just didn't want to spend the day with us but it is such a shame. I feel guilty that she is on her own again - but it was her choice.

OP posts:

NMFP · 13/03/2014 08:17

I feel for you - you have given up a week to spend time with parents and want it to be a success for everyone. I think the National Trust idea was spot on - nice place, plenty of space, nice benches and a tea room if your mum wants to sit & relax.

The only thing I can think of is to put it in her 'court' and ask her what she would like to do.

thegreylady · 13/03/2014 08:30

Wow there is nothing I would like better than time with dd and the boys however, because of work etc that is rare. At half term I had a day or two with dgs though. Day one we went to the Candle factory and made candles and had lunch then went to the Ice Cream farm which has a huge soft play and a quad bike track. So far so good but on day two I was tired so they played (they are 5 and 7) with minimum input except when I took them to the shop to buy a frisbee :) and to the park where I sat on a bench and watched. We older ladies (I am 70) do get a bit tired. I bet your dm would love time just to chat with you and cuddle the baby. How about a trip to a charity shop for toys for ds1 so he could play while you and mum had some time. My dd gives me a day of 'her' for my birthday every year. We go out for lunch and shopping where she buys me a small gift. It is my favourite day out.

LIttleMissTickles · 13/03/2014 08:32

OP, your mum sounds just like mine. Really she just wants a quick look at GC, and then spend quality time chatting to me, with them anywhere else. She even refused to come and see me in the hospital at the same time as my children, because all my attention would be focused on my girls. Sigh. I'm really struggling with our relationship at the moment.

PandaNot · 13/03/2014 08:40

Yanbu to some extent. There must be something she would enjoy doing with them. It might not be parks, farms and other outdoor things though. I have small children and I don't like that kind of day out! The park is so boring.

TheBody · 13/03/2014 08:50

I see both sides really. as a mom you obviously do all this 'let's tire the kids out today' stuff. we did. agree kids are like dogs and need lots of excercise.

our youngest is 14 now and I have to be honest I really wouldn't want to go to a nat trust venue or a farm in March, it's bloody cold even in the spring sunshine.

your mom may be not as strong/robust as she once was.

I do get your disappointment but I am only just 50 and am a reception class TA. I am truly bloody knackered after a school day.

we used to go on hols with my pil when ours were little and split during the day to go what suited us all and then meet over tea.

give and take.

TheBody · 13/03/2014 08:56

sorry hilarious comments that she's unreasonable and possibly depressed?? and that's based on she doesn't want to hare around a nat trust place and a farm for 2 consecutive days with active toddler in tow.

get sensible people. the op and her mum are in different places. each have a right to be so and each should do what's right for them.

your mum might get closer to her gc as they get older and more interesting.

MrsDavidBowie · 13/03/2014 09:00

I didn't like going round NT places and farms when I took my own kids.
Yes I did it, but grimly.

Small children are not the centre of everyone's universe.

coco44 · 13/03/2014 09:01

Your weekend plans involve a lot of walking.The farm visit wiped your DM out! She is 64 she hasn't the energy you have!
Until recently women retired at 60-for a reason!

storynanny · 13/03/2014 09:05

I feel for you as this is exactly what has happened for the last 32 years with my parents. They just do not like being invo,ved with young children or having their routines interrupted.
Everyone is different and I don't think it is a generation thing. I love every single minute I spend with my grandson and feel very blessed that I am so involved in his daily life. However, when my son and his family visit from overseas they hardly involve me at all, preferring to do holiday things themseves.
You will not ever be able to change peoples ideas of how much they want to be involved in family life so try and work round it and make it work for you and your children.

WitchOfEndor · 13/03/2014 09:19

I feel for you as my DM only seems to be interested in three things when she visits (in order of preference) shopping, housework and walking dog/DS to local shop for a newspaper. She is retired but very active, is out and about every day (free bus pass!) and desperately wants to look round the shops when she is here (her local shop choice is vastly better than what she can get here so I'm not sure why she needs to visit our M&S etc)

I would much rather we went somewhere nice for the afternoon, and DS doesn't have any interest in being dragged round the shops so I feel like she goes away feeling disgruntled that she didn't get to do what she wanted. I remember always getting dragged round the shops each week while my DB got to stay home, it was no fun.

She is the same on holiday, does a few long weekend city breaks and her and my aunt just go round the shops, and get excited if they spot a M&S in Prague!

TheBody · 13/03/2014 09:26

the world would be such a better place if people didn't expect others to do what theydo, like what theylike and go where theygo.

you are rightly focused on tiring out and entertaining your dcs. your mother however has done that, been there and it's completely her call if she wants to do it again or not.

SigningGirl · 13/03/2014 09:35

Even if your mother was tired/bored by it/wanted to do something else, surely talking to you and saying something like "if you take the kids out for a couple of hours, i'll rest/go shopping or (insert chosen activity) and we can play in the garden and have tea and chat this afternoon.

That is how adults work, with compromise, no?

ProfYaffle · 13/03/2014 09:43

How was your Mum with this sort of stuff before the dc came along? My pil are the same, will never come on trips out with us but at least they were exactly the same pre-dc. When I first met dh weekend trips to pil consisted of everyone being shut up in their house for 48 hrs, no trips out, no walks, no pub visits etc, we all had to sit around waiting for the Grand Meal at 3pm.

At least once we had dc we had a reason to get out. Now we go out and about and just leave pil behind.

sarahquilt · 13/03/2014 12:44

My dad is 70 and even a 10 mins walk to the pub makes him a bit cranky.

5Foot5 · 13/03/2014 12:56

You decided to spend this week with your parents. Did your Mum get any say in this? Or did you just announce you would be visiting her and then expect her to fall in line with all your plans.

And why would you expect her to have things in her house for entertaining your children. Surely you take that sort of stuff with you?

I admit both my Mum and My PILs loved to spend time foing stuff with DD when she was little. But I also know they found it tiring. Also very young children are just not everyone's cup of tea - she might be more accomodating when they get older.

Flip

1 2