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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Feel like DD & I have betrayed our friends

89 replies

Joolsy · 12/03/2014 18:29

DD goes on school camp soon. All the pupils going got to write down 1 friend that they wanted to be in a cabin with. When we first put their names down for camp, DD's friend (M)'s mum said it would be good if our DDs put each other's names down and I said I'm sure they would as they are close friends. However another girl (K) is going who is also a good friend of DD and probably has more in common with her and would probably have a better time sharing a cabin with. K & my DD decided to put each other's names down but not to tell M so as not to upset her. M assumed that DD would be putting down her name. Now M's mum (who is also a friend of mine) has found out - she's not angry but it may be that M is paired up with one of the unpopular girls in the class and I'd feel really bad if her experience of camp is ruined because of this. I haven't denied or confirmed whose name DD put down but I don't want to lie but how do I say that DD put down K's name as they felt they'd get on better sharing a cabin? I could ask that the 3 of them share a cabin with someone else as well as this could be possible but I feel one of them will be left out. How to handle it? Thanks

OP posts:
CorusKate · 13/03/2014 00:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MistressDeeCee · 13/03/2014 03:02

You sound a bit over-involved, OP. Your DDs made her choice and im sure she's quite happy about it

adoptmama · 13/03/2014 04:51

I think you - and M's mother - missed the point.

The children were asked to write names down of who they wanted to share a room with.

Not the parents.

Personally I wouldn't give a rat's arse who my DD put down to share with. I would be very pissed off with her if I heard her making decisions based on the alleged 'popularity' of some other child.

You both need to stay out of your kids' friendships and let them sort things out for themselves.

Just because she put a year 6 girl down doesn't mean the year 6 girl reciprocated. I would doubt she did as it sounds as if most of her own year group are attending. Teachers will likely put all the year 5 together. I hope your DD therefore goes to camp being a little more open-minded about the sleeping arrangements than you are!

Whether you intend to or not you are sending your children quite unpleasant messages about how to treat others.

'Unpopularity' is neither taught nor contagious.

Nastiness is.

Perhaps both of you mothers would have been better hatching a plot to teach your children to include others and be less judgemental, instead of manipulating and condoning attempts to exclude other children and trying to control their friendship groups.

LoveBeingCantThinkOfAName · 13/03/2014 06:21

The only place you should get involves is talking to your daughter about standing up for her convictions, it was wrong of her to tell the other girl shed put her name.

Morgause · 13/03/2014 07:15

YWBU to make the promise in the first place. However, you are getting an unnecessarily hard time over your use of the word "unpopular", I think.

DS1 (aged 11) went on a residential and, like in this case, they were told to write 2 names down of people they wanted to share a room with. Rooms held 2 or 3 people. DC1 and his friend ended up with an "unpopular" child in their room.

This child was a bully and was unpopular for very good reasons. In his school career he had picked fights with almost everyone in the class (including breaking another child's arm), stolen from many of the children, deliberately broken possessions, followed children home and thrown stones at their houses/parents' cars and more nasty stuff.

On the first night he kept the other two awake until 2 in the morning by shouting at them, poking them, jumping on them as they lay in bed and eating all the food he'd brought then throwing up on the floor. The boys then went to wake a teacher who shouted at the boy and all were told to go back to sleep. The boy continued with the awful behaviour so the other two went downstairs to try to sleep in the lounge.

Mobile phones weren't allowed or DS1 would have phoned us. In the morning they both asked the teacher to phone home for their parents to collect them because they would not spend another night in a room with the "unpopular" child. There was some reshuffling and the boy was in a room on his own for the rest of the trip. The second day was ruined for DS1 and his friend because they were too tired to take part in many of the activities.

This trip cost us a lot of money and I was very unhappy when I heard about it and made sure the HT knew our feelings. DS1 and his friend were deliberately chosen to share with the bully because the staff through they wouldn't make a fuss.

I repeat, some children are unpopular for good reason.

Morgause · 13/03/2014 07:16

*thought

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 13/03/2014 07:23

DH is a teacher, he gets exasperated with this sort of crap.

Some days he comes home late due to meetings with " mothers if girls" discussing these kind of issues at length.

He will come home, roll his eyes and say " mothers of girls!" And I know enough Shock

littleballerina · 13/03/2014 07:27

Why can't you just be honest?

JapaneseMargaret · 13/03/2014 07:28

My DC aren't quite that age yet, so I'm trying to recall how it was for me.

And I can say quite categorically that it wouldn't have occurred to my mother to get involved. I had a hands-on, loving SAHM, but one thing she never did was involve herself in my friendships and quarrels.

DeWe · 13/03/2014 10:30

It all sounds rather nasty really.

And I think your dd and friend were very mean agreeing to her face that they'd put M down, but then deciding behind her back not to. They may say it was to save her upset, but surely even at their age they would be aware that it would come out, and it would be much worse if she was expecting to be with them and find they haven't when she gets there?
I think you can see how mean it is to, as you initially say that they could only put down 1 name, then you later amend it to 2 and say they put down someone else, so it wasn't as though by putting down M they couldn't have also put down each other.

I think those who are picking up on the "unpopular" are slightly missing the point, that if M is put with none of her friends then it will potentially spoil the holiday for her in some ways. It doesn't have to be because she's with an "unpopular" child, just that she isn't with her friends.
My dd1 was put in a cabin with a group of 3 that were very friendly together but not with her, and it did taint the holiday. Because the group she was friendly with were together, she had to go looking for them, if she found them, then they were talking about jokes that had happened in the cabin/the midnight feast they were having that night.
Yes, ideally it would have developped a friendship with the 3 she was with (who were perfectly nice). But they had each other and didn't need a fourth. Any one of them individually was friendly enough with dd1, but just didn't really notice her when together.

If they had tried to totally mix friendships up then it wouldn't have mattered at all, but to have 3 friends and a 1 didn't work. Sad

Beeyump · 13/03/2014 10:47

Just reading about this scenario makes me feel anxious - it brings back clear memories of this horrible 'writing down friends names' thing, which we did when moving up to high school, to say which friends we would like to share classes with. I was an M, I reckon.

Anyway, I digress. I think you should just stay out of it op! Simple. It all sounds a bit full on.

hunreeeal · 13/03/2014 10:50

"K & my DD decided to put each other's names down but not to tell M so as not to upset her"

In what way would this not upset M? She was obviously going to find out eventually, and be even more upset that the original agreement had been broken behind her back.

800threadcount · 13/03/2014 11:06

Another mother of an "unpopular" girl here. Feels miserable to think parents are attempting to orchestrate like this. No wonder there are so many mean girls.

Lottieandmia · 13/03/2014 11:09

Let them get on with it.

Who else feels sorry for the 'unpopular' girl? I wonder how it feels when nobody wants to share a cabin with you at all Sad

hunreeeal · 13/03/2014 11:20

I used to be "unpopular". I can tell you it's miserable to be excluded time after time when everyone else seems to fit in. If anyone had taken the trouble to include me in things it would have made such a difference.

Lottieandmia · 13/03/2014 11:22

Joolsy, don't you think it's a bit ironic that you came here concerned that you'd hurt someone's feelings but you couldn't give a toss about what happens to the 'unpopular' girl?

tiggytape · 13/03/2014 11:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Branleuse · 13/03/2014 11:32

oh no, not an unpopular child?? how dreadful

Joolsy · 13/03/2014 11:33

Yes I can imagine it must be v hard if you find yourself without a partner - when I said she was unpopular, I meant mainly with M as she's been pretty awful to her over the years. I apologise for my use of the term 'unpopular' - maybe I should have worded it better - I just meant that M might have been upset if she'd been partnered with her for the camp but hopefully the school might recognise this. Sorry if I offended anyone, it was not my intention - my DD is certainly not part of a clique of any kind and tries to be friends with anyone. But your advice has been very helpful and I'll trust my DD to make her own decisions where friends are concerned. Thank you all.

OP posts:
NigellasDealer · 13/03/2014 11:35

fair enough but what you actually said was 'partnered with one of the unpopular girls' didn't you? (my italics)

ADishBestEatenCold · 13/03/2014 11:40

I don't get it.

First you say "All the pupils going got to write down 1 friend that they wanted to be in a cabin with" and that your DD chose very close friend K to share a cabin with, rather than other very close friend M (who happens to be the DD of your friend and who also happened to be under the impression that she and your DD were going to chose each other).

Then you say "They all put down 2 names - DD put down the other girl plus one yr 6 girl who she likes" so if, in fact, they were allowed to put 2 names down, why didn't your DD chose K and M?
Perhaps your DD doesn't really consider M such a close friend after all. Perhaps M only imagines that closeness, but it only exists on one (her) side to that degree. Maybe the friendship wouldn't have continued, at any depth, if it hadn't been for the friendship between you and M's mum.

Sadly, I think this girl could end up feeling hurt and left out at camp (especially given the way that it has happened), so perhaps the best thing would be (while there is still time for her to arrange other camp friendships/cabin arrangements) to be upfront.
Maybe your DD would feel equal to kindly explaining to M that she (your DD) had actually chosen K. If you DD can't do that, or even in addition to your DD doing that, perhaps you should simply say (to your friend, M's mum) that you know your DD has chosen another girl to share with, but you hope they all get the chance to go around in a group, and that you hope that this (information your giving) leaves time for M to chose another friend to share with.

2rebecca · 13/03/2014 11:42

I think your daughter should have told M she wasn't putting her down so M could ask someone else. You and M's mum should have stayed out of it. When the mum asked you you should have told her you'll leave it up to your daughter. It was a mean thing of you and your daughter to do to M and her mum though. Yes your daughter should choose her companion, but she should not have lied to/ misled M out of cowardice.
Sometimes unpopular kids are bullies or disruptive and not someone you'd want to share a room with for a few days. There's being unpopular because you're shy and being unpopular because you're an unpleasant pain in the bum.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 13/03/2014 12:26

Fiscal I've experienced mums of boys being exactly like this Sad

I hate all this forced friendship cliquey malarkey. My mam did this and I was so sad and confused for getting in 'trouble' for playing with a girl she didn't deem good enough for me. It's a horrible position to put a child in.

NigellasDealer · 13/03/2014 12:30

great username btw, 'thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter'

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 13/03/2014 12:33

Thank you Nigella Grin

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