To feel as if I have battled too hard for too long and that I have no more left to give (fertility/baby related)

[MrsSeanBean1]

I feel like a complete fraud typing this as I know many people have suffered much greater battles than me e.g. cancer, stillbirth, loss of a child etc. but today I felt that I had truly reached the end of my coping ability and have spent much of the day feeling tearful. I just feel as if I have fought for so long, now I just want some peace and a rest.

My husband and I are older parents (37 and 40), have a lovely relationship and homelife, close family, secure finances etc. We tried for children for 5 years, had many fertility tests and treatments, and were just about to embark on IVF when I fell pregnant and miscarried. The next pregnancy was successful, although difficult. I suffered severe morning sickness (sick at least 10 times a day) for 8 months, SPD, anxiety (due to fertility history) before finally giving birth after a difficult and scary instrumental delivery.

My DD breastfed well but consistently lost weight. I really wanted to breastfeed and it was pushed so much by the midwives/health visitors that I battled on with it despite her losing weight. I saw probably 10 lactation consultants and support workers and tried absolutely everything. One said that I had too much milk (I could easily pump 10oz from 1 breast) and that DD was never getting to the fatty hind milk. Finally DD was referred to a consultant who was horrified by how thin she was and told me that I must put her on formula immediately. This was very difficult for me as I felt I had let DD down at the 1st hurdle and nearly resulted in PND. This combined with my anxiety took its toll and I hardly slept for the 1st 6 months, constantly checking on DD all night and being over protective. I suppose I feel as if we weren't supposed to have children but got lucky so she could easily be taken away from me.

2 years later, I gave birth to by DS 10 days ago. In between DD and DS I suffered 4 miscarriages in quick succession so I have been either pregnant or miscarrying for about 16 months. Again, it was another difficult pregnancy with hyperemesis for 7 months, SPD so bad that I am still on crutches and another very traumatic birth where I thought I was losing DS due to his heartrate falling so low.

The midwife came today to discharge us but found that DS had lost loads of weight. This was such a shock and I just felt completely overwhelmed. I have slept maybe 3 hours a day since DS was born due to him feeding constantly. Again, I have absolutely loads of milk and he appears to be drinking a lot but never seems satisfied. The midwife watched him feed and was perplexed as she said he was feeding well and that the 15 or more nursings he has every day was far more than he should need.

I can feel myself slipping towards PND again. My anxiety has come flooding back. I am sitting up all night tonight watching him and checking on DD, feeling like something awful is going to happen to them as I was not supposed to have children. I love them so much but even my milk is not good enough for them. My body has completely let me down from beginning to end. To top it all, my DGP have both been diagnosed with cancer in the last 3 months which has been difficult.

I did consider the possibility of having a 3rd child but I can't go through anymore. I can't survive another miscarriage or months of feeling so ill. I feel so battered and bruised by it all that I don't know how to begin to heal.

Dear OP, i couldn't read and not post.
Let me say congratulations on your lovely baby. You have really been through the mill and I feel for you. My lovely dc1 was an IVF baby after plenty of miserable experiences. I think I know what you're going through slightly.

You feel you want everything to be perfect because it's been a hard road to get there and you just put yourself under too much pressure.

Take a deep breath. Feed your baby with formula or expressed milk to give him some extra if you're being advised to. Don't torture yourself with how or why the feeding may not be working - I too expressed gallons but both my children have lost too much weight in the early days. The difference this time round is I haven't been as bothered by it.

I'm sure you're bloody tired too. The joy of a night feed that DH can give as you sleep.

Please forget the future now. Just get some rest and try to eat properly etc. If you need support for your anxiety please see your GP. You know this baby's going to be fine, look how well your first one is no doubt doing!
Very big supportive squeeze being sent to you.
pM me if you like.

Congratulations!

I would suggest going to see your GP, were you officially diagnosed with PND the last time? Tell them you feel the same is happening again and see what help they can offer.

I would maybe seek some counselling or therapy to deal with your anxiety, all parents are anxious but it sounds as if yours is tipping the scale a bit.

Don't take any decisions about a third child just yet, take your time with the two you already have.

I wanted to breastfeed, but I hated it, baby was starving, I was in floods. I FF, do I feel guilty? Not a jot. We all need to give ourselves a break. Did your daughter thrive on formula? It's just another way of feeding a baby, please, please don't feel guilty.

You are amazing. You have brought two beautiful babies into this world and you care about and love them so very much, so much that you are pushing yourself so very, very hard to feed your little DS what you feel is the 'best' food for him. Even considering these things makes you an amazing mother to these two.

You will find a solution to this, and if that solution is to give formula, then so be it. It isn't poison, it's just food. It's fine.

If your supply is so good then why not express then bottle feed, that way he's still getting the benefits of breast milk but you'll be able to see exactly how much he's getting, and also other people can help you with feeds.

Please call your sister and see if she can come over today. I think you need to talk to someone - either talk to her or she can amuse the LOs while you and DH take some down time.

Your mother sounds amazing too - she's obviously torn in two right now wanting to be with her amazing baby.

Honestly OP, it will be OK.

Put him on formula and don't look back.

This. You sound like a great mum!

Op I believe you may have PND, go to the doctors and get this seen to ASAP.

IVF is such a gruelling progess and nothing is natural about it, but you did it and as a result you have your 2 beautiful children.

Don't feel like you didn't deserve them because of the way you got pregnant, or the birth and as long as the baby is fed then that's what's important.

Try and get some sleep, the perk of bottle feeding is that someone else can do the feeds.

I'm in a similar ish kind of position. DD was born on friday and has little suck reflex and tires easily. For the first 3 days I tried everything in my repertoire to get her to eat. I've already got 2 dcs so there was a fair bit to try.
nothing worked. The Lovely post natal midwives did their best to help and even called in a bf councillor. DD finally came down to Neonatal and now has a feeding tube inserted. Every feed, we try the breast, she's getting better by the day, give her her milk allowance in a bottle until she's tired and then the remainder goes down the tube.
Its not ideal. I bf thenl others for years and I do feel like I'm somehow letting her down. BUT, she has 3 ways to get the milk into her. She will soon pick up proper bf or the bottle. as long as she's getting the nutrients it really doesn't matter. And if bm wasn't cutting it, I'd do formula without a second thought.
Really do try not to stress over what or how your baby is eating. Just get WHAT EVER food you can down him, it all does the job ultimately, whether its from you or a can and try to enjoy him. xx

Congratulations on your two lovely babies.

I had exactly the same thing with my son and we were readmitted with 'failure to thrive' and 'unexplained weight loss' at around 10 days.

I too had loads of milk but he just kept getting thinner. I started topping up his BF with formula - always the BF first and then a top up from a bottle.

When he reached his birth weight (after about 3 weeks) I stopped the formula. He started off at 0.2 centile and is now 75% centile and very fat! He is one next month and everyone comments on how chubby he is.

If you want to carry on BF, why not try topping up with formula instead of switching totally. My bf counsellor told me just to see it as a temporary medicine which could be stopped at any point.

I also felt dreadful about using formula and 'failing' and this attitude really helped me.

Best of luck and get some sleep if you can.

You poor thing - you've really been through the mill. So many congratulations on your lovely family FF is not equivalent to failure: your DS will be just fine, and you will carry on being a wonderful mum to him, as you already are and have been for 2 years with your DD. Be kind to yourself: if you had a friend in this situation I'm sure you wouldn't dream of criticising her and would be really supportive, so extend that same compassion to yourself.

One thing I was wondering, as an aside, was whether there is any chance you might have undiagnosed Hepatitis A? (It's the one that's transmitted in much the same way as gastroenteritis, not an STD, and apparently an awful lot of people have it without realising. You can't transmit it to a baby through breast feeding so please don't worry at all about that.) I only ask because I know it can affect the quality of breast milk: a friend of mine's mum BF-ed almost continuously with my friend, who still lost lots of weight and was screaming constantly for more food. It turned out that her mum had undiagnosed Hep A and so her milk was closer to water in terms of nutrients etc. She started FF and never looked back (and my friend has always been very healthy, so it did her absolutely no harm whatsoever).

Good luck with everything.

Oh, and some of the best mums I know have had IVF / multiple miscarriages, so please don't even begin to think that you aren't a 'natural' mother: you absolutely are.

I was formula fed because my mum was told she had too much milk.

I got a degree and a postgrad qualification, so it didn't seem to do me too much harm! It didn't make me an overweight child either.

Congrats on your lovely family, OP.

You know what? You're absolutely bloody amazing. You really are. You're able to vocalise all this instead of rocking in a corner. You've been on an emotional roller coaster for so long, and I'm so happy you now have two children.

You MUST give yourself some credit here, and think of the positives. You are NOT a failure, you're doing a good job and your baby will be fine. I tell you something I was so determined to bf I nearly ended up going mad as he wouldn't stop till 20months of age, it was not fun and very very stressful.

Have any of the experts suggested pumping BEFORE breastfeeding, therefore the hind milk being taken by the baby? Sending you a big hug and lots of support- you're a very positive and determined lady, but do not let something like that drag you down- your babies need the best mum, and that's YOU. Xxxx

My goodness me. You have years and years of joy ahead of you with your children - don't let the first few months ruin you. Its such a short time on the grand scheme of things. Put him on formula and don't look back.

Totally this. Also you are dealing with years of trauma. As you get used to the idea that you have got yourself a wonderful family and been able to overcome the awfulness you have been through, the pain of that time will recede. I had five pgs and some very traumatic experiences to get to my two beauties now. It was an awful thing at the time but now it's over and the feelings have receded. But this takes time.

Ditto the breastfeeding - I had a hell of a time breastfeeding my premature DD and broke my heart over it. Now she is seven and I think what a shame that I shed even a single tear over it when she was and is all I ever wanted, breastfed or not.

Give yourself a chance to heal - it will take time and after all the traumas you have been through, no wonder you feel battered. But one step at a time. Maybe think about seeing your GP and in the mean time, be good to yourself. You have been in a warzone - but you are not there now.

You had a baby TEN DAYS AGO??? Congrats for even getting your head together to write this down. Ten days after I had my second (and last), I was struggling, I think most people do, and you mustn't let your hormones and tiredness cloud everything.

It sounds as though you've had a tougher time than most people in conceiving, carrying and giving birth to your children. Cut yourself some slack, really, you sound as though you are doing so well considering how much you have on your plate.

You have two lovely children, you don't need to be thinking about a third at the moment, that question can wait until way later.

You have had a hard time over the last few years. But I don't think not getting on great with breast feeding even though you give it your very best shot is anything to feel failure over. I wasn't happy to give formula after the first few months to DD because she wasn't really gaining enough weight. But I had support and nobody told me I was doing anything wrong. With DS the feeding worked out great although I did nothing different. It's just one of those things.

Hey sorry, I re-read my earlier posts and they come across a bit preachy. I meant to say that when I am overwhelmed with anxiety it helps me to seek out evidence to contradict the fear that triggered it.

There are some real positives to bottle feeding:

1. You can maintain better eye contact with baby while feeding, so you can promote socialization
2. You know exactly how much baby is eating and be reassured by that
3. If you feed formula you can eat anything, drink alcohol and caffeine, take any vitamins or medication you need without worrying about it being in your milk
4. Other family members can be involved in feeding and support you

Good luck and enjoy your babies, you sound like a lovely, caring mum, they are very lucky kids.

You are a great mum. I had PND and counselling really helped me so if you wanted to discuss that possibility with your GP, you could

I was also going to suggest expressing some of the fore milk off first. It's possible your breasts are going into overdrive...it happened with DS (my first) and I used to leak all over the place and IIRC it was v watery. After a few weeks they settled into a more realistic rate of production.

Do you know what, though, OP, what's important is that you feed your baby...FF isn't the end of the world. In times gone by women would get a wetnurse or if they were poor their babies would die...all you need to do is introduce some formula. Sometimes BF doesn't work out, but get some advice...and go easy on yourself. You've had a hell of a ride.

My first was failure to thrive, she was always being sick, projectile vomit and was a really tricky eater we had to try everything to get her to eat, she was also very active all the time. she was FF and BF but mostly FF.

The HV were the worst, their faces looking at her red book, it was enough to give anyone a break down.

We had several pead appts, where they checked everything and they, they were very very relaxed about it and said don't worry. Fast forward to 6 years later and I have a healthy active 6 year old, who is skinny and most of her class mates are the same.

My second was BF and never sick and is still skinny! People are always commenting on it. I refuse to let myself get worried this time. I feed her as much as I can.

Also sorry if someone else has mentioned this - I have only skim read, but the Birth Trauma ASS may be able to help you also, to talk about your births as they alone sound awful without your additional problems.

Just focus on the present for now. You have two lovely children and have been through an awful lot to have them (they are clearly so wanted). Focus on yourself and your family as it is for now. A third child may or may not happen one day, but don't make that thought of what might be something you put ok a pedestal, not so soon after you have had your new baby

Hi, op. I had a similar experience to you re feeding and anxiety, DS lost a lot of weight and failed to thrive. I was so determined to bf I refused to top up with formula. Saw loads of HCPs who said he looked like he was feeding well and frequently, just not gaining weight. At 11 wks he was finally diagnosed with posterior tongue tie which was snipped.

By then he was so little that although his feeding improved, he needed supplementing with formula to catch up and we then mix fed till 9 months. I wore myself out trying to pump, bf and bf round the clock.

At 16mo he is sturdy and healthy with chubby thighs. I look at other babies since and realise I should have agreed to the formula sooner. It makes me cry thinking about it actually. But giving formula wasn't a failure as I had thought.

As others have said it sounds like tongue tie from my experience. If you want to, insist on a referral. If you decide to go ahead with the formula, give it and don't look back. If you want to mix feed then my advice is to give formula at specific times each day rather than top up each feed - at least that worked for us.

My heart goes out to you, I know how it feels to be worn down by this stuff. Let me know if you have any questions I can help with or PM if easier. All the best

I haven't read every post but my friends ebf baby wasn't putting weight on like he 'should' she started eating less healthily ie more cake! And his weight gain increased, might be coincidental but is there ever such a thing as too much cake?! You obviously care a lot for you children and that makes you a great mum however they are fed! I hope you manage to get more support and start to feel better soon, I have a 9w ds and sounds like a similar age gap, it's tough. I'm not sure if or help most!!

You don't have to have a third, your life for some time has been about having babies so it feels like that is what you must do, but you have permission not to. I felt too I wasn't meant to have children after having rmcs, I used to fantasise that "they" were going to take my firstborn from me next, death seemed to be everywhere. This got a lot worse when I had just had dc2, I was simultaneously over the moon to have the baby and also felt unworthy and guilty about the ones I couldn't hold on to.
I got counselling (try SANDS) and it saved me, really.

I am sorry you are feeling so bad but there is light at the end. You've been through so much and you can put that stage of your life behind you now, if that's what you want.

Don't beat yourself up - ff isn't poison!

i'm no expert on bf but i do know that your thyroid function can affect breast milk and that if your children both have fed loads but lost weight you might want to get your thyroid checked. This might have other knock ons in terms of your health too!

Thank you so much everyone for your support and kind words. Baby has now been on formula for 5 days and, after an initial hard few days when I was very upset, he is now putting on weight and I feel much much better. I know it was the right thing to do for both of us. He is so much more settled and content and I feel as if I am moving forwards now.

I am doing what some of you had advised and putting all thoughts of a 3rd child to the back of my mind, certainly for a year or so. To be honest, I do feel more content with the 2 I have than I thought I would. I think a lot of it is because I have spent so many years solely focused on having babies that it is hard to move on from that.

My depression seems to have lifted and, although I still feel a bit down in the dumps, it feels more like the normal sadness of my grandparents being ill rather than actual depression. I will see how I go over the next few weeks. I am still quite anxious but am trying to curb that a little more each day by focusing on positive things. Again, I will keep an eye on it.

It is still difficult as baby won't sleep lying flat in his crib so my husband and I are having to sleep in shifts with baby in his bouncy chair. I sleep 7.30pm-11.30pm, husband sleeps 11.30pm-5.30am as he has to work the next day, then I have a few hours from 5.30-7.30 until he goes to work, so we are both getting 6/7 hours a day which isn't too bad. I am very lucky in that I have a fully supportive husband who gives me lots of cuddles and tells me what a great job I am doing. We have a few bickers over silly things but that's to be expected when you are both tired.

Hopefully things will continue to improve over the next few weeks and I will be strong enough to deal with the terminal cancer diagnosis which we expect my nan to be receiving next week.