20 year old dd does very little and moans if asked to help.

[mrsfuzzy]

she does college for 20 hours a week, an a 3/4 hour newspaper round 7 days a week, if she is in a reasonable mood she will do odd jobs on her terms but they are only half heartedly done, but the main hobby is watching t.v and playing on her tablet or phone, the other kids are more helpful and they resent her attitude to the house hold, she's been given the all clear from g.p regarding depression and talking therapy helped but she stopped going after a couple of months. she sees her mates and that is fine but it seems to be socialising and t.v rules her world, dand and i try to be supportive but it is getting to be very tough after 2 years of this, i have had to up my hours at work, to help the household as she won't get a part time job even though she's had a couple of offers, "can't be bothered to do it" is the response when asked. help!!!

coffeethrow, no, you've not hijacked anything, glad to hear all views, neg. or otherwise, feel free to speak out, it's good to hear that we are not alone with this problem.

You just have to put your foot down.

Tell her she needs to get another job. She has been offered jobs but can't be bothered to take them. Tell her she needs to take a job and pay some rent. Or move out.

Also, like today when she is at home, write her a list of chores that need doing. Only after she's done them can she do what she likes. She lives in the house rent free so she needs to earn her keep by doing chores at least.

What's her college course? What work does she have to do for it? If she's upstairs, I'd give her a deadline, say 12 o'clock, to get any internet usage she needs for college out of the way and then the router is going off.

Have a chat with her about how costs are rising so you need all over 18s who live in this house to contribute. Work out 1/3 or all costs for the household, except the mortgage, so insurance, water, electric etc. If she worked full time, she would be expected to find that amount but, as she's at college for 20 hours a week, you'll be happy to take 1/3 of it, recognising what free time she has, and that's what she has to find a month. She gets a job or she moves out.

at 18 I had to pay £30 a week rent
my mum did my washing though!
from 17 I worked about 12 hours a week at a supermarket -
it's actually great from the social side - but my favourite job was barstaff at a local 'old mans pub' fri/sat/sun nights and very fun. That was around f/t college and then uni, it can be done.

mrsjay, she's doing carpentry, which she seems to enjoy but we're not sure she'll pursue it as a career as she does not have much drive in her, she's not on drugs or the like [already checked that out, takes iron tablets, very fussy eater - won't try veg/fruit/or anything outside her diet scope- was a real foodie as a child, happy childhood etc, not spoilt - one of 6, doesn't see bio dad though choice, sorry i'm rambling but we are getting desperate.

If she has no intention of following her education into a job then she needs to drop off the course and find employment

She sounds bone idle and trying to cruise through life doing as little as she can

What does she plan to do once she finishes college, does she even have a plan?

My brother is 23 and still lives at home with mum. He has had a part time job since he was 16 and went to college but nothing came of it. He still works part time in retail, hard to get a FT position in retail these days. From what I've witnessed when I visit, he doesn't do very much, stays in bed until mid afternoon if he's not working. Doesn't do any of his own washing etc. He pays mum a certain amount per month to cover council tax and food but apart from that he is still living like a child really. Mum was always soft on him and in all honesty, I can't see him moving out any time soon.

I think you need to start being firm, give her ultimatums. I've tried saying this to my mum but she won't listen so I just let them get on with it.

the new start fro spring thing sounds great to me; sit her down and go through the household expenses - she probably doesn't really realise how much everything costs

agree - she has to get a job. she can lose the paper round/ is a sibling old enough to inherit it from her?

get online and look at prices of rent for small flats nearby - that'll shock her a little too
bar jobs are great as would open her circle of friends up;

normal, you hit the nail on the head, talk about mogodon woman ! no disrespect to those on meds, i have bi polar so know what it is like but like millons of others with mental health issues have learnt to get on with it. she has no excuse.

Does she actually realise that her living there costs you money? It may be possible to shock her if you do a calculation of what it does cost you in power, food, toilet roll, washing powder, water etc - these add up to an amount the surprises most people who have never had to pay the bills themselves. If you include every single thing it makes for a very long list, mostly things that she probably doesn't even realise cost money.

If nothing else, her reaction to this (whether shock, or not caring) will give you the indication of whether she is just oblivious or is totally self-centred which could guide your next steps.

i should have added that i don't cook for her, clean room or do her laundry. - but who buys the food, laundry bits. I am also betting she uses your toiletry bits in the bathroom as well.

As others have said don't give her an option she has to do xxx chores each day/week and from YYYY date she needs to buy her own food/toiletries from her own money, give her a cupboard space to store it in. And she need to contribute X amount (even if it's only £10 per week) housekeeping because the cost of everything has risen and you can not afford to pay for it.

could she change course if she isn't enjoying it I do think you need to say tomorrow i need this that and the next thing done, and leave her to it she has got into the cant be bothered habit which is quite easy to do,

on the flat thing my own dd went through a bit of its s'not fair stage last year she looked at renting and decided to stay at home

taken everything on board, thanks for all the advice, you've been a great help, am going to make a few changes here with her, moving into the garden shed would be a great start, lol ! p.s what is the going rate on sheds these days ? tools, decorating stuff and a bucket included, sadly no running water, gas or electric !

If anything she needs to be told to grow up.

A paper round at 20!! Doesn't she get embarrassed?

Try and persuade her back to talk therapy too. Sounds as though she needs to stick that out.

I would look in you local paper and see what the average room share cost would be, and use that as a starting point to work out as to how much you and your dh will accept from her.

I would also point out to your dd it would be X for the room share, then Y for covering food and bills. Lay it out in black and white for your dd.

I always said that I would support the kids (in terms of living costs) as long as they were in education and living at home. DD is at college and she earns money by babysitting, in fact she earns a lot that way! I wouldnt expect her to contribute financially to the household. However, she is expected to do certain chores and she does them.

Her college course is only 3 days per week btw, but that will probably go up to 4 days next year, it certainly isnt a cop out as she is doing Uniformed Public Services.

If she is prepared to manage on £20 a week then let her, she is the one that suffers, but I wouldnt tolerate the laziness.

A paper round at 20!! Doesn't she get embarrassed?

nothing wrong with that, most kids will not do it these days as their parents do not let them. I was doing two paper rounds at the age of 45 and delighted to be earning extra money and keeping fit.
very very hard now for newsagents to find paper boys and girls - in fact my boss asked me to try and recruit some (£30 a week) the two that I asked just laughed at me, despite complaining of being skint.

so fair play to OP's daughter for doing something at least, it is a start.

there is a young man who does the free papers round here he is early 20ish I dont think it is embarrassing least she is earning some money I think her laziness and lack of motivation is the problem not her paper round,

A paper round at 20!! Doesn't she get embarrassed?

How is earning money embarrassing? Nothing wrong with a paper round, same as delivering leaflets or catalogues or similar.

One of my friends did a paper round thru uni, his course was pretty full time and a paper round fitted in well. Think it was only about £20 but that was pretty much all the bar money he had so worth it to him.

doesn't see bio dad though choice

Yet she will accept a tablet and phone from him

Ask her to sit down and make a plan with you. What is her plan for when she finishes college? At what point do you both expect her to move out? Be open about your finances, and the fact that at present you feel she is not doing as much in the house as you expect from an equal adult. Make it clear that her future depends on earning and saving as well as college success as you can't afford to launch her, however much you would like to. At that age with mine I found that a 'what is your plan and what support do you need from me?' conversation was useful followed by a 'this is my plan and this is the support I need from you' conversation - eg I'm not making ends meet and have taken on extra hours and therefore need you to pull your weight with housework/ babysit. Stop treating her like a teenager and start treating her as an adult, but no, YANBU.

I think what I am getting at is the op's dd is no longer a kid, she is not interested in turning what she is studying into a career so using the paper round as a means to an end knowing once she has finished studying she will be getting a fulltime job in her chosen career is not going to happen. She is using it as a job and doing it is stopping her from moving forward.

I actually think she needs to sit down and really consider if she is not going to pursue a career in what she is studying then she should bring her studies to an end and go out and find a full time job.

Then after a year in the work place she might be in a better place to decide what career she would like to do if any. I do think at this point in time the paper round, living at home and doing nothing but a few hours at college each week is keeping her feeling like a child not a grown woman.

Hopefully you will understand what I am getting at. I was not meaning to diss paper rounds but to say they have their place but if that is all op's dd is aspiring to she needs a kick up the bum.

Hi OP. My DD is nearly 18. I put her out yesterday. Sorry to hijack. Mine won't go to college, voluntary or get a job. I feel like a terrible Mum. But I can take no more. Part of being a parent is about making hard choices. She has to pull her weight. At 20 I had a 1 year old, a house and a full time job.

Be strong and chin up xx

I think there has definitely been a change in thinking of when children become adults. I have heard people refer to 23 year olds as still being children.

I think most people years ago, by the time they were 20 had full time jobs and or were married with kids. Those at university still had to pay for rent and food etc so had part time jobs. Only those with really rich parents did not work.