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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want to ditch the memory foam mattress DP loves because I hate it?

48 replies

bohoec · 09/03/2014 21:46

ILs bought DP a memory foam mattress for his birthday. He didn't think to run this by me - he just thought I'd love it. I went with it, because they'd already bought it, and I didn't want to be ungrateful.

DP will sleep anywhere and never has a problem getting to sleep. He loves the mattress - says it's the best nights sleep he ever had, he finds it really comfortable, loves how warm it is etc.
I really can't bear it. I've had a bad back on occasion over the years. Nothing terrible, but enough to make me feel a but creaky in the mornings (made worse by carrying DD around!). The memory foam is too hot (I hate being too hot), the feel of it sets me on edge, and the worst thing is that it's made my back feel dreadful. I can't get to sleep and I wake up tired, stiff and feeling hot and sweaty (boak).

How long do I have to give it a try for before I can reasonably demand it's either the mattress or me?!

OP posts:

NationMcKinley · 09/03/2014 22:38

X post with Trying! Also agree that it's rather controlling. Is your DH a pfb....?

Original poster

bohoec · 09/03/2014 22:41

No, although that might sound surprising. It's more the evangelical approach Billy commented on. I'm the organiser / shopper / planner for everything in the home usually. This was out of character and seems a genuinely misguided gift. I'm not too bothered about how we came to have the thing, although as I've said I do agree it's a bit of an odd thing to do.

OP posts:

McPheezingMyButtOff · 09/03/2014 22:42

I hate mine too

I wake up in agony. When I was pregnant with dd I suffered severe SPD, and that pain comes back because of this frigging mattress. Some nights I sleep in the spare room

BillyBanter · 09/03/2014 22:45

They are intensely personal things and you will spend a third of the next 20 years of your life on it so it is not worth getting or exacerbating back problems in order not to hurt your ILs feelings.

Original poster

bohoec · 09/03/2014 22:47

Thanks Billy. Very sensible advice.

OP posts:

DomesticSlobbess · 10/03/2014 00:21

YANBU.

Our previous mattress was on its last legs. The springs were all over the place and it was like sleeping on a nailbed. We mentioned how uncomfortable our bed was to some relatives while talking about bad backs. Cue very generous relatives turning up a couple of months later with a surprise - a memory foam mattress! We thought we'd won the bed lottery! That is until we slept on it...

OMFG! THE PAIN!

DP can sleep anywhere. But our mattress gives him such a bad back. He hates it. He falls asleep on the sofa most nights and I have to practically coerce him to sleep in the bed. It doesn't hurt my back as much, but I do wake up feel

DomesticSlobbess · 10/03/2014 00:22

...feeling stiff. Especially my lower back and neck. But we can't afford a new mattress so will have to put up with it until we can buy a new one!

zipzap · 10/03/2014 00:38

Nightmare (literally!) when what is wonderful for one partner is hell for the other in a bed.

COuld you offer it back to the PIL as a spare bed?

Could you swap it to being your spare bed?

Definitely find out if there is some sort of guarantee on it when it can go back with minimal loss of money - would be awful to feel obliged to use it just because PIL had spent £1000 or whatever and know that it's supposed to last for 10 years and you're going to end up with less and less sleep and more and more pain for the foreseeable future! Especially if it can go back for no money and you know you could get a decent bed that you can both sleep well on.

If dh loves it so much, can you get those half and half mattresses that have memory foam on one side and springs on the other, or is it just the different relative firmness of springs that they do half and half on?

I think you do have to 'fess up to the PIL though and explain that whilst you know that some people find them wonderful, they can be the opposite for others and unfortunately that happens to be you. Maybe tomorrow would be a good time to go to a physio/osteopath/mumsnet thread/etc appointment about the terrible pain that has started to get so much worse in your back recently, so that you can blame it on the physio/etc when explaining how bad memory foam can be for some people rather than them taking it as a personal slight...

good luck - but you know you have to do something, otherwise you are going to be feeling like this (and worse - it's cumulative!) for the next few years.

What does your dh say when you say that you are having such a bad uncomfortable sleep on it, just out of interest?

Original poster

bohoec · 11/03/2014 23:04

So I told DP just how uncomfortable I was finding it, and how badly I had been sleeping (I'd been playing it down) and the mattress was put on the spare bed last night and we're back on the old one. No issue or protest at all from DP. He did say he wished I liked it as much as he did, because he found it so comfortable, but didn't mind getting rid at all as it was stressing me out unnecessarily. He also apologised about not checking it out with me first, when I pointed out how weird it was to buy it in the first place. He said he just thought it was a nice, genuine thing to do.

I'm glad I gave it a go, but I wish I hadn't got so bothered about 'fessing up' about how much I disliked it. I should have just said how uncomfortable I was.

DP had told ILs and he says they're fine. They said that at least whoever sleeps in the spare room will be comfortable (they really do think it's amazing!).

Thanks for the advice.

OP posts:

ouryve · 11/03/2014 23:19

He sounds like a keeper

HippyPottyMouth · 12/03/2014 07:42

Lovely resolution. I wish I could get rid of ours. My waters broke in bed and still the fucker won't die! DH loves it and it helps with his arthritis, so we're stuck with it, but I hate it with a fiery passion. We haven't even got a spare bed to escape to, since the baby took up residence in the second bedroom.

whois · 12/03/2014 09:02

It takes a few weeks to 'get used' to a memory foam mat I think. You learn to sleep in a different position and you need different pillows to on a normal bed.

My boyfriend has one, I hated it when he got it at first and I only spent every other weekend at his house. Now we love together and I sleep on it all the time I love it. Took about a month for me to be converted.

Get yourself some posh cotton sheets, a lighter duvet and a thinner pillow.

whois · 12/03/2014 09:02

Oh, missed the OP update! Well that's nice you're problem is solved :-)

diddl · 12/03/2014 11:24

Get rid of the selfish bugger & the mattress-problem solved!!

You need a Kingsize(?) bed.

One frame & a single mattress each.

Bliss.

Also a single duvet each!

diddl · 12/03/2014 11:25

I missed your last post OP, sorry!

Could have sworn I'd read the whole thread

Original poster

bohoec · 12/03/2014 12:05

That's ok. I am feeling rather lucky that DP is so nice, and rather foolish that I worried about his or ILs feelings. I'm afraid I got the wrong end of the stick a bit - they're all a bit "life's too short" for any fuss. I told him I'd sought advice on here, but that it was ok, no one had suggested LTB... Yet

OP posts:

mumteedum · 17/03/2014 20:07

Ahh OP that's such a nice update. Glad you have nice man and ILS. Phew!

Toofattorun · 17/03/2014 20:21

We had a Tempur mattress and I absolutely detested it. My DH loved it and said it was heavenly. Much to his dismay, I HAD to change it. Like you said, it was waaaay too hot and I was close to tears every night when I was overheating. I would have paid £5,000 for another mattress. Luckily after a bunch of arguments, DH agreed to let it go back to the shop and we paid even more for a very luxurious pocket sprung mattress which I love. Just do it.

Toofattorun · 17/03/2014 20:23

Glad you got it sorted, OP!! I didn't RTFT!!

MuffTheMagicDragonButter · 17/03/2014 20:34

We had one of those memory foam toppers and it was vile, I felt claustrophobic and like I was sagging in to it.

Well done OP, you didn't take it lying down! (Sorry)

On the other hand, for all you sweating away miserably on them, I'd recommend a wool duvet, fab for regulating temperature.

YellowTulips · 17/03/2014 20:47

My MIL has one in the room we stay in when visiting. Both me and DH hate it. It's hot and not very comfy. I wake up aching all over, especially my back. Apparently it cost a small fortune (over 2.5k) so we have to smile and say what a great sleep we had

I had to change our matters recently (no drama and dodgy mattress trashing stories -sorry! - just it was getting old). I didn't even look at a Tempur one given our experience at MIL's.

Have a really comfy mattress for half the price.

Having said that some people swear by them.

I think they are probably the Aga's of the bedroom - loved by evangelical converts and deemed a waste of money by others

Lambzig · 17/03/2014 20:55

YANBU we bought a memory foam mattress topper. Hateful hot thing. I could not bear it.

Sleep is too important for you to put up with horrible hotness.

MuddlingMackem · 17/03/2014 23:40

Just realised. I should have said ours was a mattress topper, not an actual mattress. I was still gutted at getting rid, it was the sinking in feeling I found so comfortable.

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