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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel very little sympathy

43 replies

Addictedtoamazon · 08/03/2014 17:12

....for H. Separated 3 weeks ago, mainly due to his binge drinking, selfishness and unwillingness to put me and our 2 DDs first. I gave him an ultimatum of us or the drink and he chose the drink. DDs are 4 years old and 10 weeks old. It has been extremely difficult managing a newborn and a preschooler on my own plus dealing with running the house, making meals etc (and all on very little sleep) but I have coped.

H announced yesterday that he has found it extremely difficult coping with both children on his weekly contact(4 hours) and that he would now like to take each DD separately. He proposed taking one on the Saturday and one on the Sunday or one in the morning and one in the afternoon. So after spending all week getting up at his leisure, having full nights sleep and coming and going as he pleases, the poor lamb is struggling to deal with both children for a grand total of 4 hours a week. AIBU not to be full of sympathy for his plight? Not quite sure what would happen if I decided I couldn't cope with them both

OP posts:

PurplePidjin · 08/03/2014 18:54

Suggest he either sees them together or goes to a contact centre - can you really trust him not to drink while he's with them?

TheRealAmandaClarke · 08/03/2014 19:09

YANBU to have no sympathy for him.
And you deserve some time to yourself.
But this has to be about the DCs. What is best for them? Is he capable of bring "good enough" as a NR parent for his contact time?
Is this behaviour part of a pattern of controlling behaviour on hs part?
What does it mean for him to be struggling? Is he aggressive? Can he rep them safe!
He doesn't have to be Justin fletcher for those our hours. He just needs to be sober and keep them safe.
Maybe you could insist on a contact centre where he would take them both but wouldn't be having to cope alone.

Knob.

somethingwillturnup · 08/03/2014 19:14

My exh thought he was being a smart arse when he suggested this in mediation (I had 5 kids still at home when he left - oldest didn't want to go to his) - he wanted to take 2 kids one weekend, and then the other 2 the other weekend because 'he couldn't cope with all 4 at once'. I'm not going to say what I said to the mediator when he actually AGREED with him.

Anyway, he soon figured out that although I wasn't getting a free weekend, neither was he. Idiot. He quickly changed it to having them all EOW (just don't get me started on the poor timekeeping after sorting the logistics out...).

From your OP it looks like he's making double the work for himself (at least double the time if that makes sense) and he might realise that it's easier with 2 for 4 hours than 1 each for a total of 8 hours. If that was me, however, I would make him take me to court for access, just so that I could see the incredulous faces of anyone in that court while he argues for LESS time with his kids, not more. I suspect you would be waiting a long time for that to happen....

And no, YANBU to have very little sympathy with the lazy git.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 08/03/2014 19:26

Sorry btw. This must all be very stressful for you.

ohfourfoxache · 08/03/2014 19:31

Yanbu at all

Aw, diddums can't cope for a whole 4 hours? He sounds like a fucking bell end

Fatphase · 08/03/2014 19:38

OMG. What a complete DICK!!!!

Really? Is this a serious request of his?

Turn it around on the prick and put it to him that he must have some kind of issue if 4 hours a week with both of his OWN kids at the same time is "too much" for him. Suggest he seeks help and act concerned for his mental well being. Ask him if he is sure he can cope with 1 or perhaps he should fogo seeing his kids until he is "well enough" to cope properly.

What a fucking waste of space he is.

BabstheChicken · 08/03/2014 19:40

Whilst we're honking up our judges pants bertha, including bigboobs in your name makes me wonder if:

You're attention seeking.
You have cripplingly low self-esteem.
You're too keen to have outrageous fun.

All of which obviously impact your ability to make good decisions, especially parenting ones. See? Fun to be judged about others on the internet based on a snapshot of their lives/personas, isn't it? Now do be a dear and FOTTFSOF.

And OP, your ex-H is an arse. After all the stress you've been through, you deserve more than 4 hours a week to yourself.

BabstheChicken · 08/03/2014 19:40

*hoiking

JabberJabberJay · 08/03/2014 19:44

Don't agree to his suggestion whatever you do. He looks after both of them together or he doesn't see them at all. Seriously, what kind of father can't care for his own children for a few hours a week?

YANBU.

AnyFucker · 08/03/2014 19:45

Don't separate your kids because your ex is useless

he will have to learn, just like you did

He can't hide behind your skirts any more. He will have to cope, the end.

Original poster

Addictedtoamazon · 08/03/2014 19:45

Thank you to everyone who replied, except bigboobs who does indeed sound like a twat. Luckily I am feeling ok about the breakup but that comment would have been awful to read for anyone going through a traumatic split and feeling heartbroken. Talk about having no sympathy.

With regard to his drinking, it is not enough of a problem to impact on his ability to look after the children and if it ever did, I would prevent them from going and demand supervised contact. He only ever drinks at night when out with his mates. It caused a problem in our marriage because he acted like a single man, always off down the pub for a drink with his mates while leaving me at home to deal with the DCs. It is more the lifestyle than the drink that is the problem if that makes sense. He is neither aggressive nor abusive when drunk, he is actually quite a jolly drunk but it is obviously annoying to me that he is pissed when I am stressed out and knackered. So I am not worried that he will drink while he has contact but obviously will keep an eye on the situation in case things deteriorate now we have split and he is free to go out whenever he wants.

OP posts:

MyNameIsKenAdams · 08/03/2014 19:47

Both or neither.

tantrumtime · 08/03/2014 19:48

Oh dear, this is also happening to me. He finds having both of them (2.8 and 13 months) really hard and has not decided he wants one at a time but he has them overnight. I feel exactly as you do, if I give him them both and he really doesn't cope what will happen to the DC's.its a tough one OP, I've not got the answer yet (I've not had bloody time to think of it having children when I'm not at work with NO break)

tantrumtime · 08/03/2014 19:49

Now decided, not not decided

Coldlightofday · 08/03/2014 19:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoomBoomsCousin · 08/03/2014 20:00

A court would possibly side with him - from their perspective it's about his relationship with his daughters, not about giving you a break (so my sister found out last year when her ex went to court asking for one at a time access).

I think if he's unlikely to go to court over it and you aren't concerned for their welfare you should insist he takes both and offer him the opportunity to have them one at a time as well (because then you both have the opportunity to give them some one-on-one attention).

TheRealAmandaClarke · 08/03/2014 20:42

Well if you feel he is capable then I wouldn't give in to his demands.
Contact is for the benefit of the children. But theres no obviously advantage to them to be separated.
Let him take you to court if he wants to change arrangements.
Or offer him a contact centre.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 08/03/2014 20:44

Yes good idea about both together and one at a time boomboom

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