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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel really grumpy about no effort being made?

45 replies

likebeingatschool · 07/03/2014 16:44

Let me start by saying I know Iabu.
I moved hundreds of miles away a few years ago for work. I have been very lucky to make a wonderful group of friends and have an active social life.

A new family joined school, the mum seemed nice. I invited her to a couple of events with my friends and coffee at mine. She cane for coffee, was nice. Declined event a because she was busy, fair enough. Declined event b with no explanation, just looked on her phone when mentioned. Fair enough i thought, she doesn't want to be friends. She didn't reciprocate any invite not even coffee.

A friend of mine has asked me to ask her to a night out that i have organised. She said that this lady feels like she wants to get involved and is unsettled. This is not the first friend to mention this. Normally, i would go out of my way to include someone new and anyone would be welcome. However, i have said I wont be inviting her as I have made lots of effort abs it feels very one sided. I wouldn't be overly bothered if someone else invited her.

So, an I being pathetic to feel snubbed and rather she didn't join our group?

Oh and so not to drip feed, she is embarrassingly all over another friend of mine.Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
likebeingatschool · 07/03/2014 18:23

Also backforgood if I used your thinking about dynamics, it would be best for me to not invite people into the group if I don't know how they will effect the dynamics.

OP posts:
Original poster
likebeingatschool · 07/03/2014 18:24

Rethinks trying to be friendly.

OP posts:
Original poster
likebeingatschool · 07/03/2014 18:26

Sorry to hear that onelittlepiglet. How did it pan out?

OP posts:
Joolsy · 07/03/2014 18:36

Sorry but what's a Wendy?

Willdoitinaminute · 07/03/2014 19:06

The trouble with cliques is that not everyone wants to be in one. However they may like the company of any one of that group. Some women prefer one to one. Some women prefer groups.
When your 'new' you are often targeted by the 'in' group. You may regret jumping straight in with them and it may hinder forming friendships with other groups or individuals. I suspect she may just be a very savvy mum who understands the dynamics of the 'school gaters'.

MaidOfStars · 07/03/2014 19:13

Do you live in a playground?

Original poster
likebeingatschool · 07/03/2014 19:18

willdoit interesting view point

OP posts:
Original poster
likebeingatschool · 07/03/2014 19:25

The thing is, its not a clique. We just happen to have dcs in same school but spread across different ages. Quite a few of us didnt meet at school.

Fair enough getting on with only 1 or 2 but why would I make effort with her?

OP posts:
Original poster
likebeingatschool · 07/03/2014 19:26

Also,we dont stand together in a group, that has never happened. We have friends outside our group.

OP posts:
mumandboys123 · 07/03/2014 19:30

maybe she just doesn't want to be your friend? doesn't matter how nice you may be, she doesn't have to like you or want to spend time with you!

Original poster
likebeingatschool · 07/03/2014 19:31

I agree mum of and i did say that above.

OP posts:
Original poster
likebeingatschool · 07/03/2014 19:59

Just thinking out loud.... Just because you invite somewhere for coffee or a night out doesnt mean they are trapped in a cult are committed to anything or cant have other friends.

OP posts:
Willdoitinaminute · 07/03/2014 20:13

Unfortunately, your comment 'We have friends outside our group' defines a clique. 'a clique is a group of "persons who interact with each other more regularly and intensely than others in the same setting."'
As a member you do not see yourselves as others do. It is not a physical entity but a social entity.
You are obviously anxious that she has befriended one of your group, suggesting that you feel threatened by her behaviour.

Original poster
likebeingatschool · 07/03/2014 20:18

I dont feel threatened just irritated by her girl crush behaviour.

OP posts:
Uptheanty · 07/03/2014 20:24

STOP
Trying to be her friend.

NOW

She is WENDY. Shock run......

Original poster
likebeingatschool · 07/03/2014 20:27

You are scaring me

OP posts:
Original poster
likebeingatschool · 07/03/2014 20:29

uptheanty Im not going to try anymore but its really got to me today.

OP posts:
littlebluedog12 · 07/03/2014 20:35

Oh my goodness this is making me a little paranoid. We have recently moved area. I have found the mums at school very welcoming, accepted invites for coffee etc gladly. There have bern a couple of times I have turned down invites, usually due to things like an appointment, or meeting an old friend who lives fairly close by.

The other day I was with a group of mums all discussing a big 10th anniversary party for another mum- I just kind of smiled along a bit and looked at my phone as I'm not invited- and wouldn't expect to be either, I hardly know the person! But I felt slightly awkward.

I have invited a couple of mums over for coffee, din't have space to invite everyone together. I also seem to have gravitated towards those with DC who are friendly with mine, though I'll happily chat to anyone at the school gate.

I say give this woman the benefit of the doubt, it is really hard getting used to a new area and trying to fit into a new group who have all known each other since their kids were at toddler group!

onelittlepiglet · 08/03/2014 13:39

Sorry like, only just seen your message.

Well it's not great, but it's ok. She tends to organise lots of stuff and invites everyone apart from me (which seems odd and very obvious). She uses the excuse that my dd is not the same age as her kids, but neither are the other people's kids she invites!

I still see all my friends to do things separately and we just don't mention her or if we do, it's just if one of her kids is ill or something like that. It helps that I work part time so have that to keep me busy and my friends make an effort to see me outside of that.

We are perfectly civil if we meet, but I just don't engage anymore and am nice, but don't go out of my way. And i don't talk about her at all to anyone apart from my DH (who has witnessed some of her weird behaviour so knows I'm not mad!). That way, she can't ever say anything bad about me because everyone knows it isn't true.

I think my friends like her but were a bit taken aback when she started to bad mouth me and after one particular incident where she was incredibly rude and basically asked people to choose between her and me! But they are all nice people and have given her the benefit of the doubt and put it down to being a bit thoughtless. I haven't talked to them about it so would rather leave it unsaid and be the bigger person.

bigboobsbertha · 08/03/2014 14:56

Will you all be going up to big school soon, or have you all another couple of years in primary?

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