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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go off someone because of their living arrangments?

52 replies

Needsmorecake · 05/03/2014 19:35

Ive recently made a new friend. He told me he was ' renovating his house', so i was expecting maybe a kitchen ripped out, bare floorboards etc...

Turns out he is living in a total mess of a house, im not even sure its safe. The walls have no plaster, down to the struts, wires all over the place. Some of the outside walls have nothing between the wooden joists, just the struts and the outside cladding. Some of the supporting joists dont even reach the floor as they have rotted away.

Worst of all is he has been living this way for 6 years and kind of isnt really doing anything about it now, despite saying hes doing it, hes actually not.

Its a new friendship, but i sort of feel like backing off a bit, aibu?

OP posts:
HandMini · 05/03/2014 19:52

OP - if he's a boyfriend, you're not compatible and you should move on. He clearly has an extreme level of relaxed-ness about personal safety comfort and societal norms. Quite understandably, it doesn't sound as if you are on the same wavelength. I predict a relationship with him would be difficult.

If he's a friend, then agree to meet in the pub or at your house. Explain you feel unsafe in his house.

Animation · 05/03/2014 19:53

Sounds like a lazy idle type to me. Can see why you're put off.

Squirrelsmum · 05/03/2014 19:53

Doesn't sound like he gets things done in a hurry, someone like that would frustrate me, YANBU

scarletforya · 05/03/2014 19:58

Yep, sounds lazy, with low standards.

Original poster
Needsmorecake · 05/03/2014 20:06

he said he procrastinates a lot, which doesnt help, but i wish i could share the pictures with you that i have, because, its really not in a state where you need to think about it, and very much in the ' red alert' stage.

and has been that way for 6 years.

OP posts:
MyMILisfromHELL · 05/03/2014 20:08

YABU. Maybe he doesn't have the/enough funds to renovate all in one go!

winterhat · 05/03/2014 20:08

YABU. Renovating a house can be very expensive. Maybe he just doesn't have the money to get it all done immediately.

Whatisaweekend · 05/03/2014 20:09

ThatBloodyWoman is spot on.

MyMILisfromHELL · 05/03/2014 20:09

Well, if you don't want to be friends with him then don't be.

pinkbear82 · 05/03/2014 20:11

I can understand the cause for concern... However, has he lost sight of the end? Could you be the boot up the arse he needs?

If you felt he had potential could you inspire him to get going again. I wouldn't however, have him round to stay lots, he may well then never get anything done if he is comfy elsewhere.

Tell him how you feel, tbh that might make it or break it for you any way.

Original poster
Needsmorecake · 05/03/2014 20:13

he says he procrastinates a lot. I dont think hes short on money but i dont know for sure.

Hes been there 6 years and not done a thing, but has done other ' less important ' things in that time, when really you might think that having an actual wall to the back of your house might be up there to sort out?

OP posts:
DomesticDisgrace · 05/03/2014 20:15

YANBU!

BringBackBod · 05/03/2014 20:26

Sounds like he needs help. What about DIY SOS?

Chippednailvarnish · 05/03/2014 20:39

Run, run like the wind!

Smilesandpiles · 05/03/2014 20:44

Please leave him alone so he can find someone who has an idea about these things and can empathise instead of judging.

Renovating is bloody hard work and really, really expensive. If he's doing this on his own, give him a break.

Sometimes, the small jobs are the only ones you CAN do because the bigger jobs take a lot more guts to do, a lot more money and a lot more help.

Feminine · 05/03/2014 20:47

what about DIY SOS?

now that is really mean bring Grin

Original poster
Needsmorecake · 05/03/2014 20:49

hes not done any renovating though, hes not touched it for 6 years.

If he was doing something i wouldnt judge.

I grew up in a house where an extension was being build, we had no kitchen for 2 months. and also a big victorian town house which took 10 years to do and isnt finished still...

however, there was always walls. and some sort of progress, not just leaving it totally.

OP posts:
happyyonisleepyyoni · 05/03/2014 20:53

Omg some people on this thread need to get a grip. This is not normal. OP clearly states the house is a shell and has been this way for 6 years. MASSIVE RED FLAG!

If you convince OP to "rescue" this individual, like as not she'll be back in a years time having sunk all her savings into this disaster area....

SugarMouse1 · 05/03/2014 21:09

Sadly, many people judge adults who live with their parents (even if it's not through choice) ... So living arrangements are important to a lot of people.

SugarMouse1 · 05/03/2014 21:14

On another note, I once dated someone who lived in a flat with no furniture, no beds, mattresses or anything. And hed lived like that for ages. He said his ex wife took everything when she left, and he couldn't buy anything new because he thought he might have to go bankrupt. I mean, second hand furniture can be picked up for next to nothing, ffs!
I wish I had not got involved............he was a stupid, retarded man-child who blamed EVERYTHING on his dyslexia, and had all the money management skills of a three year old in a sweet shop. Spend, spend, spend!

Rant over

LessMissAbs · 05/03/2014 21:19

YANBU. Issues I think. I've done up plenty of houses and its always possible to organise quotes and tradesmen to do stuff. I can see it taking up to a year but SIX YEARS? Something wrong with his personal standards.

It sounds like there is a damp or dry rot issue in the joists and they need to be removed so far as the problem extends and then treated. There are plenty of firms doing this and its not prohibitively expensive. Then the joists can be replaced or mended and your local DIY store will provide new flooring and fitting. Walls may need specialist treatment and then a builder to rebuild them. He needs to simply pick up the phone and get some quotes then get them started. Probably needs rewiring too.

Theres no reason why he shouldn't arrange this himself.

BringBackBod · 05/03/2014 21:19

Do you feel better now you've got that off your chest sugar?

Sunnysummer · 05/03/2014 21:21

If temporary, no, but six years is very deeply off. Sounds like there may be other issues (and honestly, I'd be thinking of much creepier scenarios, but I may have watched too much Dexter...)

LynetteScavo · 05/03/2014 21:28

Men like this (and it always seems to be men Confused) seem to need someone (usually a woman) to give them the proverbial kick up the arse to get things finished.

Needsmorecake the reason you have come into his life is to make him get on with sorting out his house!

Original poster
Needsmorecake · 05/03/2014 21:48

And i need to do that for him, because??

And whats the reason hes come into my life?

(Bollocks to fixing other peoples issues)

OP posts: