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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect a 17-year-old to help around the house?

41 replies

Fleurielle · 05/03/2014 08:33

I have a lovely 17-year-old step-daughter. She does very little around the house and tries to get away with the few things she has been asked to do, like taking her empty plate in the dishwasher etc. Usually she will leave it on the counter above the dishwasher. I'm the only one who points this uot to her. I feel like she is more than old enough to help us (we cook everything from scratch every evening etc so usually there is a fair bit of dishes etc). My husband however does not think his daughter should do anything at all and this is causing us arguments. I am feeling like I am doing her share as well, cleaning up in the kitchen after cooking the whole meal (usually together with my husband) while she sits on the sofa all evening. She has no hobbies and spends around 2 hours in town every day after school (sixth form) so it's certainly not a question of a lack of time.

I am wondering if I am asking too much to expect her to help? How much do you think a 17-year-old should be doing around the house?

Thanks for your advice :)

OP posts:

Squirrelsmum · 05/03/2014 09:49

DH & I have teen boys, 5 of them, 19, 18, 16, 15 and 14 and they all do stuff around the house, there are only two living here for now, they are responsible for their own rooms, putting their dirty washing in the laundry, changing their sheets weekly, hanging the washing up, pulling the washing in off the clothes line, cleaning up the kitchen and dining room after dinner, taking rubbish out, mowing lawns and whatever else needs to be done, in winter that includes gathering and busting up firewood.
Everyone has something to do and they help each other out. They all seem happy enough, they all get along an no delinquents among them.

unlucky83 · 05/03/2014 09:54

At 17 I was living on my own ... 50 miles away from family & friends - and not at university which I consider a kind of half way house to truly living on your own (don't have to find out how to find a dentist, GP, even the local supermarket etc!!!!)
If she is planning on going to University etc she is more than likely going to have to do things for herself soon anyway - I would say she needs the practice!

oscarwilde · 05/03/2014 10:01

She's old enough to be a mum, leave home and go to uni, get a job etc etc. On what planet should she not be pulling her weight at home?

My upbringing was v similar to fieldfare with the addition of a full rota of Friday night/Saturday morning housecleaning blitz divided up amongst the family. Everyone did their bit.

If no-one asks her to do anything, why would she? It's more concerning as to whether she is capable of doing anything when she is about to leave home. Is your DH proposing to send her on a professional cookery course when she finishes her A levels just so she can prepare a meal during uni?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/03/2014 10:04

What agreement have you reached?

formerbabe · 05/03/2014 10:05

YANBU...even my 3 year old puts her plate in the sink spilling remaining food all over the floor

pixiepotter · 05/03/2014 10:27

YANBU...even my 3 year old puts her plate in the sink
Well probably the OPs DSD did at 3! It's teenagers we are talking about!

Melonbreath · 05/03/2014 10:43

At 17 I did:
my own room, washing and ironing, washed the kitchen floor and windows.

I wasn't trusted in the kitchen. I'm a really bad cook bordering on producing health hazards and always have been, despite many attempts by my super cook mother.
I did chop the vegetables however. I was very good at that.

I did my own ironing from 14. Actually I hate ironing and now I'm grown up I just don't do it.

Logg1e · 05/03/2014 16:54

At 17 I was living alone in a bedsit, but I'm not offering that as advice OP!

What agreement did you reach?

Tartanpaint · 05/03/2014 18:52

I would expect a 17 year old to tidy their bedroom and do about 20 or 30 mins of jobs a day - so washing up or hoovering etc. I'd also expect her to cook tea on a Saturday.

The problem with doing everything for her is a) you are totally taken for granted and b) you are failing to prepare her for adult life. It's essential she learns to cook, clean, iron and everything else. Plus having the routine will really help her in the future with her own routines.

I suggest you put your feet up with a cup of tea after cooking. There's no reason you should lay the table, cook, clear the table, wash up, dry up, then put away. Your not a maid and she doesn't live in a hotel

lurkerspeaks · 05/03/2014 19:16

I see you have sorted it but as a 17yo I was pretty indulged.

When I was at home I would be expected to contribute to cleaning the bathroom I shared with my siblings. Keep my bedroom clean and tidy. Hoover or dust the shared areas of the house periodically (my Mother was a bit of a slattern), empty the dishwasher or set the table prior to dinner.

We were then expected to help clear the table and if my Father wasn't at home load the dishwasher. If he was at home no one else got a look in. Only his method for loading the dishwasher is allowed!

This still holds true now, almost 20years later!

kentishgirl · 06/03/2014 16:19

I'm curious as to why DH thought she shouldn't do anything?

If she visits - well, my ex stepsons would visit weekends and it was their job to lay the table for dinner, and they'd also do their own ironing, give the bathroom a quick wipe over after they'd used it (no toothpaste in the sink, no ring in the bath) . They were 11 and 12.

If she lives there - at 17 I was working full time like my parents, and I used to do a share of the laundry, my own ironing, change my bed, cook dinner a couple of times a week and help with washing up every night. I'd also hoover once a week or so, and I had a bit of a thing for window cleaning so that was my job too! And most of the dog walking. And honestly I'm a lazy moo who hates housework and I'm a natural slob. But I'd have been ashamed to treat my parents as my slaves.

missmartha · 06/03/2014 16:27

Like some others here, I was living away from home when I was 17.

The idea that others were going to cook for me, wash/iron my clothes, do the washing up was a distant dream.

Your step daughter knows she should be doing more, she might not want to, but she knows that she should.

Shame on your husband too. What does he think, that some sugar daddy is going to make an appearance and wait on her hand foot and finger for the rest of her life?

Nocomet · 06/03/2014 16:38

My DM spoilt us totally, we very rarely cooked and she did all the laundry, ironing and cleaning.

Doesn't mean I didn't work out how to cook clean and laundry in a week.

Musicaltheatremum · 06/03/2014 16:52

I got away with doing very little as a teenager but managed ok. My kids had loads of homework and both were sporty so my son was away rowing at weekends and my daughter dancing all Saturday also as daughter did music and drama at A level/Advanced higher they all had compulsory after school rehearsals. I occasionally asked them to do stuff in the holidays and they would do more themselves at that time, but really felt they had enough to do and deserved down time.They're both now away from home and run their lives very well. They will have the rest of their lives to cook and clean.
Maybe I was lucky or maybe they just followed my example but I don't buy into the "not knowing what to do when they leave"

flaggybannel · 06/03/2014 20:23

when I was 17 I was running my own home with a 1 year old in tow, no parents babysitting, helping out or giving me money.
slightly extreme example but same age and same capabilitys.

when DS moans about doing anything to help round the house I often quote my mother and remind him that
" they were fighting in wars younger, so hop to it"

brdgrl · 07/03/2014 00:03

I really feel that my DH and I also "have enough to do and deserve down time". :) Such is life.

Sure - a kid who is never asked to lift a finger at home will - when eventually s/he has no choice - get a crash course and most will manage to figure out how to cook a meal and use a washing machine.

I'm more concerned about the values (as opposed to the skills) learned by a kid who is raised to think they don't have to pitch in, or that it is the job of mothers to do the unpleasant tasks that keep life running smoothly, or that they are entitled to do nothing while others around them are struggling.

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