Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD's first haircut

53 replies

dippylongstocking · 04/03/2014 01:09

My mil looked after dd for the afternoon so I could take dm to hospital appointment. She sent me texts and photos throughout the day informing me just how much fun they were having which I thought was quite nice and it cheered my mum up.

When I went to collect dd she already had her hat & coat on and was almost asleep so I put her straight in the car. I got home and took off her hat & coat to find that her hair was a lot shorter than it was this morning.

I called mil and she said dd's hair had needed a 'tidy-up' (shouldn't I decide that?) and she had saved me the cost of a hairdresser. I was furious, but didn't let my anger show as I think she was just trying to help. I asked if she had at least saved dd's first lock of hair, but she said she hadn't thought of doing that and had chucked it all.

AIBU to be upset about this? Not much I can do about it now, anyway, but I can't sleep for thinking about it.

OP posts:
DorothyBastard · 04/03/2014 07:35

*done

Booboostoo · 04/03/2014 07:48

It's only hair and firsts don't matter that much to me but I think YANBU because it sounds like your MIL did it to be controlling. She must have known that a lot of people care about the first haircut and she must have known you'd have your own opinions about style, all of which is confirmed by the fact that she hid the hairstyle to avoid a direct confrontation with you. I'd be having it out with her.

BarbarianMum · 04/03/2014 07:54

My mum did this w ds1. I forgave her some time last year (he is now 8). I made it very clear that there were to be no more haircuts without my permission.

Sovaysovay · 04/03/2014 07:56

Remind her that the removal of hair without consent is considered assault. Also that she just lost all unsupervised contact.

BarbarianMum · 04/03/2014 07:57

To be fair to your MiL though, the idea that 'first' haircuts are important isn't universal. I didn't care that my mum gave ds his first haircut, I cared that she'd cut his baby curls off and given him a ludicrously crooked fringe.

Slebmum · 04/03/2014 07:57

My mum did exactly this. At least she took them to the hairdressers the first time as I'm fairly sure she had a hack at it herself on Monday, although she denies it but their hair didn't shrink of its own accord!!

JonathanGirl · 04/03/2014 08:03

Same thing happened to me - my mum and sis cut Dd hair when she was about 10 months.
They didn't tell me in case I stopped them apparently.

I was annoyed at the time, even though aware it was done with the best of intentions - her hair was getting a bit straggly and in her eyes.

Now (6 years later) I just think of it as an amusing anecdote, and we tease each other about it.

Goldmandra · 04/03/2014 08:05

Whether it was a first haircut or a twenty fifth haircut you just don't do that to other people's children without their permission.

The fact that it was a first may not have been important to her but it's unlikely that it wouldn't cross her mind that it might be important to you.

You need to say something so that she thinks twice about overstepping the mark in this way and any others in the future.

MyBodyIsAtemplate · 04/03/2014 08:20

I am tolerant to mils as mine was fantastic and I hope to be one myself soon
this is absolutly totally out of order. it's controlling and arrogant and I would have told her that as obviously she can't be trusted then that's the last time her and dd are alone together.

this would be so serious for me.

HoratiaDrelincourt · 04/03/2014 09:13

What's wrong with a hair clip, if you think a baby girl's hair is in her face?

She was wrong, and she knew it. It might not have mattered, but she'd have to have lived in a cave not to realise that first haircuts matter to lots of people.

I'm going to invoke the old classic: If it matters to you, it matters.

DH should tell her you're really upset because you had been looking forward to taking DD yourself. With that presumption and the cover-up you feel she's untrustworthy and you hate feeling like that (this forestalls "she's just overreacting").

Then see whether mortified apology or defensive minimising follows.

Wuxiapian · 04/03/2014 09:15

YANBU.

What a liberty she's taken!

pictish · 04/03/2014 09:19

Yanbu but it's not the end of the world either. Tell your mil that she is not to cut your child's hair without your permission again.

ThatBloodyWoman · 04/03/2014 09:21

YANBU and I suspect she has an inkling that she was.

Goldmandra · 04/03/2014 09:43

It will grow back. It's not an amputation.

How would you feel if a childminder or primary school teacher cut your child's hair without asking you? Would that be OK because it wasn't an amputation?

RubyGoat · 04/03/2014 09:51

If she had thought it was ok, she wouldn't have hidden it with the hat. YANBU & she was out of order.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 04/03/2014 10:42

YANBU and she knows damn well she overstepped the mark in the first place otherwise she'd not have had your DD's hat and coat on already to go and let you discover the haircut when you got her home. She'd have proudly shown off DD's haircut wouldn't she?

SomethingkindaOod · 04/03/2014 10:48

The haircut itself would have annoyed me a bit but the blatant hiding it under a hat and not mentioning it would have me steaming because she obviously knew damn well she was in the wrong.
You were very restrained, YANBU.

NoodleOodle · 04/03/2014 11:18

It is like an amputation, or would have felt that way for me and with mine. It grows out of my body, it is a part of my body. I didn't have my hair cut until I was nine, by a boy at school who came up behind me and cut off the end of my ponytail. I am still upset about it now, and even as an adult have only had about 5 hair cuts in my entire life. My hair is a part of me.

Someone mentioned assault and non-contact above and I can confirm that cutting hair is taken seriously. A friends ExH cut off his daughter's underarm hair, which was the final straw in terms of contact with her, agreed with by a judge.

Yes, some people see it as important and others as not at all, but no reasonable adult could possibly think that cutting someone's hair is something that a parent shouldn't be consulted on, especially with a very young child.

HeadfirstThroughTheTimeVortex · 04/03/2014 11:29

I would have been furious and told my mil in no uncertain terms that she had broken my trust in her and that it would take a long time to earn it back.

I still vividly remember being distraught at a haircut against my will at the age of 4. Hair is an extension of you, of your body, even if it does grow back.

AngelaDaviesHair · 04/03/2014 11:48

I would have pulled my MIL's arms and legs off for doing that! Less because of wanting to be there for the first haircut (though there's an element of that) more because she would be treading on my and DH's toes as parents. We determine hair styles, cuts etc and no one else should really be deciding on those things without reference to us.

My mother can nag for England on the subject of my children needing a haircut but she'd never just take it upon herself to go and do it, and neither would MIL.

Guiltismymaster · 04/03/2014 12:38

YANBU

*However, it could be worse. My OH did the same thing while I was out shopping... except he cut my DS's hair himself. HIMSELF. Who does that??

BarbarianMum · 04/03/2014 12:52

Of course Noodle. When my friend's baby son had his foot amputated due to meningitis I bet she felt exactly like the OP. Hmm

May you never be in a position to compare the two.

AngelaDaviesHair · 04/03/2014 13:21

Yes, what ridiculous hyperbole.

purplebaubles · 04/03/2014 13:26

My grandma (Mum's MIL) did this to my brother. He had gorgeous blond curls.

40 years on she is still annoyed about it, if reminded!!

I think it's a total overstep of boundaries. At the very least, you'd ring and ask, surely?!

I'd definitely have it out with her personally.

Christelle2207 · 04/03/2014 13:37

Reading this thread I am now worried about MIL doing ds' hair when he goes to her one day a week from the summer. She apparently cut all three of her childrens' hair until they left home!
I would be fuming OP but being a wuss would probably get DH to speak to her if it were me.

Swipe left for the next trending thread