Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To not confront dh over this? WWYD?

43 replies

Anydrinkwilldo · 03/03/2014 23:49

Going to try to make a long story short! There is a girl in Dhs life that I really don't like and would prefer if there was no contact between them. It started when they were working together and they got so close another friend tried to get him to finish with me to go out with her. Needless to say it didn't happen but when I found this out (she used to make smart comments to me) it nearly broke us up-I asked dh to cut all contact and he refused, told him it was me or her and he picked her. I backed down and it has hurt for many years (he knows how hurt I am over it still). Every so often an argument comes up over this girl and we go around in circles for days over it. Last week I saw a message on his phone (I'll admit it I was snooping) saying thanks for lunch. He told me he met her for a few minutes so she could give a present for newborn, I specifically asked if they went for lunch and was told no. So he has lied to me. I didn't confront him when I doing out as a close family member died and I just put it to the back of my mind, but now I don't know whether to just leave it coz I can't cope with the argument, or have it out with him again.

OP posts:

aquashiv · 04/03/2014 08:06

What were the smart comments she made to you?
What did yr dh say about them?
Do you have any male friends you socialise with?

NotNewButNameChanged · 04/03/2014 08:19

Fireside - but if an ultimatum was to be issued (and I am generally with Cricket on this and I do not believe that a partner necessarily has any right to decide who their OH can and can't be friends with) surely the ultimatum should be with regard to the friends who were trying to encourage something? THEY are the ones who were out of order.

I'm a bloke, I have lots of female friends (my best friend is female) and they are always the first people I would introduce a new partner too. One ex hated the fact I had female friends, all of whom had been around years before her. Nothing had ever happened with any of them. Suffice it to say my ex is an ex because she felt I should give up my best friend totally and see less of my female friends. I am not responsible for someone else's issues of jealousy or insecurity and a lack of trust in me. Might be different if a new friend suddenly arrived that I suddenly spent a lot of time with, but not pre-existing ones.

WooWooOwl · 04/03/2014 08:28

I asked dh to cut all contact and he refused, told him it was me or her and he picked her.

But you didn't mean it when you said it was you or her.

If you did then you wouldn't still be with him. He chose to have his cake and eat it because you allowed him to.

If you are going to invite people to treat you badly, then quite often, they will take you up on it.

whois · 04/03/2014 08:37

Or there could be another side to this.

DH gets friendly with a woman and enjoys her friendship. His mate is a dick and says DH should leave the OP for the woman friend. DH thinks that's redic and loves his wife, but does enjoy chatting and having lunch with woman friend.

OP gets upset and asks, in DH's mind, unreasonably for him to stop seeing his woman friend even though it's totally innocent. He doesn't think his wife should be controlling who he is friends with and so tells her no.

It might not be a case of evil man being mean to poor little wifey.

Jolleigh · 04/03/2014 08:44

whois speaks sense. There really isn't anything in the OP to indicate that the relationship is in any way inappropriate. If my OH told me to stop seeing a close friend in the circumstances outlined, I'd be seriously annoyed.

NotNewButNameChanged · 04/03/2014 09:02

Actually, OP, I think you should probably leave your DH. This has clearly rankled you - rightly or wrongly - for years and is causing you hurt and resentment which is never going to go away. You don't trust him, or you wouldn't be snooping on his phone, and if you don't have trust in your relationship, the only way is down. Probably shouldn't have had a new baby with someone you don't trust.

You are never going to be happy while this woman is around. If your DH, again rightly or wrongly, won't drop her, your only course of action to stop yourself snooping more, getting more bitter, more resentful and then probably completely push your DH away and an acrimonious divorce which may impact on your child, is to leave him and set up on your own.

Original poster

Anydrinkwilldo · 04/03/2014 09:35

Notnew, my DH has many female friends, probably more female than male. I have no problem with them and several have become very good friends of mine also. My issue with this girl is that they are so close other people are commenting on them as a couple. That he cannot stay away from her. She had an ex who was madly jealous of my dh because of their close relationship. I don't think my dh does it to be spiteful, I honestly think he's actually trying to protect me by hiding these things from me (in a mad, crazy way!). But I'm definately going to bring it up again and just tell him how hurt it makes me. He has tried to include me for example when she had a baby he asked me to go visit with him, but she doesn't talk to me at all-never has in 10 years!

OP posts:

Divinity · 04/03/2014 10:00

So your DH creates your upset in the first place then lies to protect your feelings?

Your DH does not respect you at all. I also don't believe that there is nothing between them. He's obviously spending far, far too much time with her for other people to view them as a couple.

And then he refuses to cut contact with her?

Sorry OP this is not good.

chattychattyboomba · 04/03/2014 10:07

That is so strange that she hasn't spoken to you in 10 years! What is her problem with you? Surely if she wanted only friendship she would not be jealous of you and you would be included in the chumminess?

Based on that alone I would expect DH to 'phase her out' (that's my version of dropping friends)

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob · 04/03/2014 10:11

I think if he was trying to protect you he wouldn't see this woman.

Troglodad · 04/03/2014 10:12

whois if we second guess we might think perhaps OP is a jealous possessive type, and we're getting a skewed picture - but answering the OP as if it is on the up and up, that I choose her thing... shudder.

Even though I expect to be allowed friends, I can't imagine saying this to DW for a female friend even if she was BU - I think I might literally walk through fire to prevent her feeling the way that would make someone feel. I might be very cross about it afterwards, perhaps even relationship-damagingly so, but explicitly choose some woman over DW? Who does that?

dawntigga · 04/03/2014 10:12

He chose her over you, he showed you who he was, you ignored it.

Your choice what to do next but, as he already knows, your ultimatums don't mean much and unless you follow through you'll be doing another 10 years of this.

StopAvoidingThisTiggaxx

AnyFucker · 04/03/2014 10:21

it's a huge waving red flag that this woman, who is such a friend to your partner and vice versa, blanks you

if she was really just a friend to him she would be friendly to you too, in the interests of making her pal's life easier

AnyFucker · 04/03/2014 10:22

OP has told us her H has other female friends that she has no problem with...so I doubt this is a mad crazy jealousy thing (at least not on her part...this other woman I am not so sure about)

fuzzywuzzy · 04/03/2014 10:33

Personally speaking, no friends of mine would encourage a guy to go out with me unless they expressly knew that I was up for it.

the friend who tried to get your husband to leave you for this woman must have been going on more than 'oooh they get on well at work with eachother'.

I get on amazingly well with my colleagues and even the off site staff wnat to meet up with me at conferences and social events...but there's no suggestion that I should be having relationships with them all!!!

EverythingsDozy · 04/03/2014 10:34

Speaking from recent experience, get him the fuck away from her now! Or leave him before he leaves you!

My DH was speaking to a woman from work since may, she wanted to take my kids to the soft play area, she was stepping on my toes, there were rumours at work about them but all I got was "there's nothing going on, I don't like her like that, I love you, these rumours could ruin my marriage, I hate that people are saying stuff, I will never leave you". And look what happened. On NYE, I catch them in my bed together!

I pray that this won't happen to you because it hurts like crazy. It just sounds so familiar.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 04/03/2014 10:37

I'm not one for LTB mentality but I don't think I could stay in a relationship where I am second best to a "friend" of my partners, so much so he chooses that friend over me, regardless of whether the friend is female. I think the history (the fact its a female friend and someone else tried to get them together despite you being in the picture) makes it so much worse though. He chose her over you. Doesn't that eat away at your self esteem? don't you deserve better than this? this woman hasn't treated you very nicely by the sound of it and that's still not enough for him to tell her to get to fuck.

Ultimately I'd stop letting him hold all the cards here and seize control myself. And I'd ditch him. life is too short for people that treat you like you this.

bearleftmonkeyright · 04/03/2014 10:43

"It started when they were working together and they got so close another friend tried to get him to finish with me to go out with her."

Were you married to DH when this incident happened? Were they friends before you and your DH got together? I can really see why you would be upset, especially if the above incident happened whilst you were married. Is she married now also? How long have they been friends? If it is a long time ago that all this happened I suspect it could be water under the bridge. But you have to trust your own instincts also. He is a fool for lying to you though.

I was in a very similar situation to you OP. My DP became very close his best friends wife. I was pregnant and he used to drop in on her for coffee on the way back from his work, they would sometimes meet up for lunch and they would text each other. It just got too much. When I had our DD he would still see her on the way back from work whilst I was on MAT leave rather than coming straight home. They were so close and I had just given birth to our DD. It just became intolerable. Like you, no problem with friendships. But the whole thing just was bordering on emotional affair. If any of this sounds similar to your situation OP then he needs to pay attention. Because I made DP choose and he realised he had been a fool. We are still together 11 years on and have had two more DC's. We had counselling and it was hard. But that is my experience. It may not be yours. Best of luck OP.

Flip

1 2