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Original poster

To go No Contact with MIL until I get apology

52 replies

MyriadOfMiracles · 03/03/2014 19:32

Apologies in advance this is long!

So I have gone nc with mil and sil. Yesterday dh went to visit mil with my dd. She got all emotional as dd has changed so much and she misses her terribly and feels she missing out ( she still sees her once a week!) my dm lives away and has to go weeks/ months without seeing my dd. Anyway, dh informed her i have said for him to go to her more if he wishes but he chooses not to due to dds bedtimes/ work etc making it difficult.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking once a week to see dd for mil is enough anyway!?
So dh came home and said he had lovely time and his mum has asked if i will be willing to ' draw a line under everything that has happened and move on ' as ' we have ALL learned lessons from the fallout.' Now- She phoned me and gave me shit because me and dh argued!? None of her buisness and not the first time she done it! Then sil gets involved and threatens to hit me... But I am now expected to just move on and learn from it as she says ' neither of us are gojng to apologise' - i have nothing to say sorry for!

According to her i said horrible things too, but dh pointed out to her i hardly said horrid things, just my opinion and that I was defending myself!

I can proudly say i kept my cool and told dh I would think about it. But inside im raging!! Dh doesnt give a monkeys about sil by the way, just wants me and mil to make up. I also think this is terribly double standard to make truce with dm but still have nc with sil- sil was an idiot, but she was sticking up for mil- who is a perpetual victem and caused all this mess!!

What's more, dh has said if we do just move on then she can. 'Only' stay once a month overnight. I dont want her to stay at all! Yes she did help when dd was born by getting up with her and just generally being an extra pair of hands- but even back then i found her incessant self pitying grating and would rather she didn't stay a lot of times she did.

She is guilt tripping dh saying all she has done is trying to help us and she has to pay off the sofa she bought us for xmas this week. She bloody does that a lot! Gets us gifts then throws it back in our face, I have told her before i didnt want her to borrow money and dh fell out with me.

I want to do the right thing by my dd and dh ultimately. Maybe I should give her a second chance? :/ i just feel she still playing the victem and hasn't really learned anything as she doesn't want to discuss anything with me and just wants to move on . What should i do?

Am I being unreasonable? I just feel if i let this all go she will keep causing trouble (as she does)

OP posts:
Original poster
MyriadOfMiracles · 03/03/2014 19:53

Top herself sorry *

OP posts:
vichill · 03/03/2014 19:54

an hour once a week is ample. sil sounds a bit scuzzy and I would want some recognition she behaved like a nut.

Cobain · 03/03/2014 19:54

So why would an apology smooth things over if her behaviour has been so bad?

PublicEnemyNumeroUno · 03/03/2014 19:55

Fucking hell, are you me? This is almost the exact situation im in with my MIL, except mine involves my BIL not SIL

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/03/2014 19:56

"Why is her DH in the wrong for wanting his Mother and wife to try and sort out their differences?"
Because that's not what he seems to be aiming for to me - he seems to wants his wife to put up and shut up, while having no problem with his mother continuing to upset his wife. Had he asked his mother to not stick her oar in and apologise to his wife, and asked his wife to be gracious in accepting her apology, and offered to keep his guilt-tripping whiny mother off OP's back - that would be good.

OP, has your husband done any of the above, or is he just pressing you to let it go?

Eatriskier · 03/03/2014 19:56

what iamsoannoyed said

Original poster
MyriadOfMiracles · 03/03/2014 19:58

Thanks for those who have chosen to answer reasonably :)
And for your patience at being drip fed due to awful initial thread (sorry)
Glad others think once a week will suffice.
Contain i dont think an apology will smooth things over completely but mayb its a start at her seeing she has messed up for once!! Her being a victem is a major problem in itself so just an apology would be massiv for her!!

OP posts:
kotinka · 03/03/2014 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MyriadOfMiracles · 03/03/2014 20:01

Dh wants us to make up but recognises things would need to change massively on his mothers front. But as its his mother he still has a loyalty to her. I have apologised to him for being in the middle but he didn't speak to er for a while either due to the trouble she has caused. I have not been taking gifts and money of her and then saying F off by the way!! I didnt want her money but dh fell out with me over not graciously accepting things from her. I am not a taker, I get uncomfortable with gifts infact.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyriadOfMiracles · 03/03/2014 20:03

Also sil threatened to hit me because mil told her me and dh had fell out and it had ruined her day. She did this knowin sil is a nutter and would start. So sil had a go at me in facebook and threatened to slap me (like the chav she is) no mil is still playin te victem, after making our fall out about her as usual (the last argument we had she told me she wanted to kill herself!?)

OP posts:
CoolaSchmoola · 03/03/2014 20:04

Your MIL isn't your biggest problem...

Your biggest problem is the man you are married to who is telling his mother all about your arguments.

If he hadn't told her she wouldn't have known - and so wouldn't have had anything to ring you and rant about in the first place.

Yes she's out of line, but lots of people still feel protective over their children way into adulthood, the difference is most adults don't go gobbing off about their life partner to their mummy - and what he said to her must have been pretty bad for her to suggest you actually split up over it....

And despite his over sharing causing the issue in the first place here he is again carrying tales backwards and forwards.

He is the catalyst of all this - he involved his mother in your relationship, and when it all went to hell in a handcart he didn't stick up for you and tell her she was out of line, and now he's asking YOU to suck it up.... He's putting his Mum before you - and that is a BIG problem.

Original poster
MyriadOfMiracles · 03/03/2014 20:05

I realise this all sounds far fetched and mental but it is te truth! Hence why I have been advised by many to stay away from her

OP posts:
NeverQuiteSure · 03/03/2014 20:06

Putting the argument and all the backstory to one side, I think once per week with a grandchild is perfectly generous and, if the relationship between you and your in-laws is a volatile one, nothing wrong with your DH doing the visiting instead of you.

How about a note along the lines of "Dear MIL, it would be great to put the past behind us and move on. I think the current arrangement is working really well, and I know that [insert name of child] really enjoys his/her time with you. DH is happy to continue bringing him/her round every [insert day] and I know he appreciates the chance for a cup of tea and a catch up too. I'm not really keen on [insert name of child] staying overnight as we have a good routine at home, but rest assured when he/she is a little older there will be plenty of opportunities for sleepovers at Grandma's"

ThisSummerBetterBeDarnGood · 03/03/2014 20:09

He can still have loyalty to his mother by not allowing her to behave like a 3 headed monster to his wife.

She sounds like someone I would not be accepting gifts off either

I find it alarming that some people, think its OK to buy someone a gift and that suddenly buys the right to also treat them like scum.

I think your in quite a strong bargaining position here and I would agree to put things behind you with some caveats.

Those being between you and DH NOT to accept gifts any more for yourselves..not to allow her to interfere between husband and wife....and perhaps even to cut down visits, I think once week is MADNESS when you dont all get on!

I would say maybe once every two weeks but maybe for a bit longer..or one afternoon once a month.

Then between all of you - or you to MIL< yes, I will put your atrocious behaviour behind me this time, however if you cross me again, dont expect me to sweep it under the carpet again. Say it firmly and with conviction.

Tell your DH you are willing to to put it behind you this time,but if there are any more problems with her,. you will NOT take it lying down again and there will be BIG Fucking Problems.

You dont want your DH to start to bully you, for an easy life to appease his mother...you need to make it clear, this is the last time.

kotinka · 03/03/2014 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThisSummerBetterBeDarnGood · 03/03/2014 20:11

I wouldnt even bother with sil. and i wouldnt let her near the child either. esp alone.( violent)

Cobain · 03/03/2014 20:11

An apology will not change the dynamics, you will not even know if it is genuine. Surely the best way is what you are doing not standing in the way of DH and DD contact whilst reducing the friction by removing yourself. Once a week is really reasonable.

ThisSummerBetterBeDarnGood · 03/03/2014 20:13

and what he said to her must have been pretty bad for her to suggest you actually split up over it....

Not sure about that! I think some MILS would dream about their sons breaking up from wives over a broken cup, so they think they could co raise the child without dils interference!

Original poster
MyriadOfMiracles · 03/03/2014 20:28

I'm aware how it seems dh has involved her ad he is to blame for tellin her stuff (eg we fell out) he feels bad enough about this and has apologised. But mil has regularly got involved in out lives by over imposin herself - at xmas she stayed 3 night even though my family were visiting and she lives local. I was scared to say no as she would cry as run to sil and drama would ensue. I was very vulnerable and weak at that time having just gone on ADs. I am now stronger. What I am trying to say is although dh shoulnt tell his mum we argue it doesnt give her the right to phone me and have a go saying horrid thing like 'will he get contact' and We should split up' ad also she then stays in all day as cries cos we had a Falling out!? She has no life of her own and even her own friends have said she over bears on us.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyriadOfMiracles · 03/03/2014 20:31

When she is here all she did was moan / cry (to the point it became a running joke with my family as every time they saw her she would cry over something) i would feel bad for her but she is very manipulative and tries to gain all of dh affections - it's really quite disturbing.

OP posts:
bochead · 03/03/2014 21:50

Once a week supervised contact (cos she's a nutter)
SIL never to be present for any reason whatsoever (cos she's a violent nutter)
NO overnights (cos she's a nutter)
No more gifts costing over £20 for any reason, no loans, favors or handouts either.
DH to see a professional relationship councillor if he feels the need to discuss your relationship with a 3rd party.

Calm will be restored Wink.

You to find yourself a nice Mum and baby group where noone knows your outlaws to have a nice cuppa and a chat with once a week.

deakymom · 03/03/2014 21:59

so if my mom asked me what an argument with my husband was about i would say this and that the usual nothing to worry about we will sort it if she rang him and told him we should split i would go nuts at her because i dont need her help and support im a grown woman i deal or die trying (very dramatic i know but........)

this is all hypothetical based on prev line stepping by my mom as we have not spoken for almost 5 years it was the "staying with the man who might have abused my grandchild" that pushed it then the "im not seeing my grandchildren without him" that pushed it over the edge (yes we told her to see her grandchildren alone without him she refused Sad) ive not spoken to her since

Joysmum · 03/03/2014 22:15

If your falling out was die to a one off then I'd draw a line under it and move on.

From what you've said, this was just the straw that broke the camels back and the latest in a lone list of interfering. If it doesn't look like she appreciates that and just thinks it is one incident, you're on a hiding to nothing.

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/03/2014 22:31

bochead
"DH to see a professional relationship councillor if he feels the need to discuss your relationship with a 3rd party."

You mean like many of the posters on MN?

ComposHat · 03/03/2014 23:06

You sll sound fucking deranged, petty and addicted to the ongoing drama of this situation.