to say supervised contact only?

[Fairy1303]

I would appreciate your views on this, I'm so emotionally involved I don't really know what is right or reasonable.

I've posted a lot about this lately but DH and I split in Dec. We have 8 month old DS.

I left because he was emotionally and ohysically abusive. He is very angry, this includes to inanimate objects that. Don't work immediately too.

He is very lazy and messy.
He wouldn't hurt DS (I don't think) but would have no qualms shouting around him, doesn't do laundry, and house is a mess which obviously impacts on him.

He has been abusive since we split. He has had DS and shouted and screamed at me when I pick him up.

Over the weekend I received horrendous abuse and him telling me he would kill me and I called the police at the end of my tether.

I now feel that unless he has DS at say, his mum's, where she can call me (or police) if he kicks off, I don't want him to have him.

I've also said any contact now re: contact has to go through his mum as a third party.

Genuinely, is the reasonable or am I clouded by my emotions?

I have said that we can review the situation if he behaves himself in a few months.

When violence is involved it is always reasonable to request that the violent parent is supervised.

Obviously the violent parent rarely agrees because they always think they are perfectly reasonable people.

But this thread is going to fill up with posters who have no comprehension of DV and how it is always child abuse if committed in front of a child.

YANBU you are being a sensible parent. He will of course kick off, but stick to your guns.

Yanbu. And if he kicks off, well that's the reason for supervised contact anyway!

Fairy you have been through a lot and you did the right thing getting the police involved. Supervised contact is entirely reasonable in the circumstances. Have you spoken to his DM about it?

fairy are you the person who's MIL was the swimsuit stealer? I'm guessing I may have missed more of the story, but is your MIL really a good person to have as the third party? But otherwise yanbu at all.

No she's not ideal, I agree but you can't argue she doesn't love her grandchildren (to death!) and to be fair she has been really supportive over the split.

Obviously if it doesn't work out i'll go for a contact centre but I wanted that to be the last resort and there was no one else - I wouldn't put one of family members through that and he has no friends of his own other than pub buddies.

YANBU but, can you trust his mum? How about a contact center? Or can't you meet him at a local soft play area, with a friend or third party overseeing x

His mum may be supportive of you, but would she physically be able to stop him if he picked DS up and left the house with him? Or, if she did try to stop him, would he become emotionally abusive, shouting etc to his mum, in front of your son?

Personally, I would go straight for the contact centre, with a view to reviewing the position if things improve.

Insist on a contact centre. IME the professionals' assumption is that a contact centre is temporary and will 'move on' to 'shared parenting'. (Or that the absent parent will lose interest, not turn up or behave in such a way as to get banned from contact centre, in which case you can move to no contact hopefully). So if/when contact has been going well at the contact centre for several months and the harassment has stopped and hopefully everyone has calmed down about the split you can 'move forward' by insisting on supervised contact at his mum's. He's going to kick off, but make it clear that if he raises his voice in front of your son then contact stops, end of. If your ex behaves like a toddler, treat him like one, with firm calm consequences for his actions and don't back down just because he has a tantrum!

Expecting his mum to defend your child against her son when he kicks off is putting your son at risk and putting your MIl in a horrible position.
Keep a diary of everything that happens, don't voluntarily have any contact with him (answering calls and emails etc) as that will stop you doing him for harassment and call the police every time he threatens you. Did the police take his threats seriously?
Good luck, and be strong, at least you no longer have to live with him.