To think I may have got this wrong.

[Koothrapanties]

So my day has gone from bad to worse.

To keep it brief, neighbours have a crap relationship. We hear her screaming at him all the time, constantly on and off. Have heard her scream that he has strangled her in the past (not at that time), but nothing while we have lived here to warrant calling the police.

He is usually very quiet, but you hear her screaming at him not to threaten her, swear infront of their child etc.

Today I heard her scream help and that he had punched her in the face. I went out to tell him to leave her alone. He wasnt happy about this and was quite aggressive towards me. He tried to push open the door when I tried to shut it and made threats towards dh.

He repeatedly said that he hadn't hit her and that she was lying. She didn't seem to have any marks on her face, but I only saw her briefly before she left and he stayed to have a go at me and dh.

He has since texted dh saying that he is really upset we have been sexist and assumed it is him who is the violent one. He has said he has been bullied by her and attacked by her and we have assumed its him because of stereotypes.
Dh simply said its done and asked him to delete his number. This made him angry and he said if we get involved in his business again he will attack dh and make sure we have to leave the area.

He kept saying that we had got it wrong and she was the violent bully, not him. He said you wouldn't call someone who had just been raped a rapist.

I don't know what to think now. In all fairness I have always heard her screaming at him, not the other way around. Why would she scream for help and lie that he has hit her though?

Did I do the wrong thing by going out there when she screamed for help? I feel like I have fucked things up for us now, I was just doing what I thought was right.

im a little confused... why did you react to her shouting yet dont mind, or dont react that SHE shouts at him all the time - surely shouting all the time at someone is abuse? i would tend to believe him in this situation tbh if the woman is always shouting at him.

That was exactly his point. The only thing I can say is he has never screamed for help or screamed that she has hit him. He is always very quiet.

so its ok to listen to someone being screamed at all day as long as they dont need help

Definitely report the verbal and written threats to your DH to the police.

The way I see it is:

• yes she may be violent and aggressive but you have nothing but his word on that
• conversely you have no real idea if he is abusing her, but as she was screaming that he was attacking her you did a good thing on the basis of what you did know
• he is claiming to be the victim of abuse whilst threatening violence on your DH, I wouldn't be believing he is all sweet and innocent
• he is being trying to justify things ridiculously like you're sexist for assuming he is beating her, however you wouldn't be assuming that if she wasn't screaming that he was.

If you go to the police they will take it seriously, although at this stage may have nothing more than a word with him. When this happens it may become clear to the police that he is violent/she is violent/they are both violent to each other. By reporting his threats you may actually do one of them a favour and help keep them safe.

eatriskier - she doesnt only have his word the OP hears her screaming at him all day - OP hears her being aggressive all the time...

Peggy no I don't think it's ok. However she is always screaming at him that he is threatening her and swearing at her so it gives the impression that he is being abusive but quietly. I just don't know.

Please keep the texts and let the police know your concerns. It is actually a common tactic for male abusers to claim they are the ones being abused and they can be very convincing. Well done for not turning a blind eye to this.

I'd phone the police. For the threats to your DH alone. Plus the threat of violence in that house.

so its ok to listen to someone being screamed at all day as long as they dont need help

Seriously? People screaming at each other in anger is much less of a reason to go and check things out than if someone is screaming for help.

Screaming for help is actively seeking someone else's intervention. You know at least one person involved needs and would welcome your intervention.

I think it's rather unfair to criticise the OP for differentiating between the two situations.

He doesnt sound enntirely innocent to me. The way he was being aggressive and threatening at your door does nnothing to pursuade me hes a poor victim.

She could be being abused, she could be playing a game. But in your shoes (and I have been in so much as have had violence threatened on my family by my neighbours) I wouldn't hesitate to call the police on the threats alone - other stuff has a habit of coming out in the wash and the police can make the call on that.

That poor child.

He's violent - he threatened your DH immediately. Maybe she is too. Maybe he only hits men and he is a victim of DV. Who knows. Whatever the situation it must be terrifying for the child.

He is trying to push into your house, threatening to attack your husband and "make you leave the area".

It's him, blatantly. That isn't the victim of abuse, that is the monster who threatens people to bend them to his will when he thinks they can't fight back.

Contact the police.

Honestly, they sound as bad as each other IMHO.

I would keep the texts and leave it and keep well away from them both. If you get anymore threats, then I would contact the police.

If you contact them now and they go around there and speak to him, what do you think would happen?

My ex would have sworn balck was blue that it was me that attacked him - he was restraining me 'disciplining me' etc.

If you didn't know us you would think him quiet and reserved... and me pretty loud and bubbly and full on.

He text your DH and said he would attack him. What does that tell you?

You can't know the truth of it.
But you are now being threatened.
Tell the police about the rows, his allegations and the threats to you.
Silence only helps abusers. Once the couple know you are quite prepared to go to the police, their willingness to threaten/involve you is likely to subside

And just saying, I had an ex who was abusive in other relationships, and once to me. I've since compared notes with the other exes, and his daughter. He was an absolute master at winding up, escalating, provoking, 'restraining' (hard) and quietly threatening. If you squared up to him in self-defence he'd stand there looking woe-begone (if people were watching/listening) or lamp you fast and silently (if people weren't).

It's so hard to tell! His actions say one thing and his words say two different things!

Crapbag - honestly I think it would just piss him off more. I dont think it will help her either. There is nothing they can do because I have no proof of what he did/didn't do to her, only the texts.

Sauce - I can't stop thinking of the little boy in the middle. I will try and get a glimpse of his school uniform so I can tell the ss his first name, adress and school. I don't know their last name, I don't even know the boyfriends proper name, just a shortened one letter version.

OP its not your job to worry about this - you can't possibly know the true story.

However it is your job to call the police if you have reason to believe either a man or a woman is being abused. Its possible to be abused without being touched - or silently, and its possible for a woman to abuse a man.

We called the police when a neighbour was having an abusive argument with her partner. Our experience was that they were incredibly sensitive about it, and I think she was glad we did it. My DP saw her a few years later and she said it had been pivotal to sorting it out.

Keep records of texts and events though - for their sake as well as yours...

If the police were called they'll generate an ss report as a matter of course.