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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stay with him

43 replies

Chocoholic36 · 03/03/2014 07:20

Hi I have posted here because I couldn't see anything like this on the lone parents board and cold really d with the advice.

I have been with my husband for 15 years and we have 3 dcs 12, 10,8. We have got on perfectly well, sex life is crap - he is happy for once every 6 weeks, we never do anything as a couple. He is a great father and always puts them first which I feel guilty complaining about but I want some attention. Is it so bad to want to have a 'date night' once a year? I have talked and talked to him about all of our problems (there are many more) and he promises to change but never does. This has been going on for the last 9 years.

I want to leave him, I am 31 years old and want something more does that make me a horrible person? I am to scared to though. I worry my children would never forgive me and I would ruin there life. I spoke to my. Mum about the fact I wasn't happy and she told me to get a grip and I wouldn't find anything better, dh is lovely and treats me so well etc and if I did leave him she would never forgive me and her and dad would cut me out. I'm scared I won't have anyone to turn too.

I am also worried about the house. The mortgage is in his name and he works. I don't work I have always been the sahm. Where would I stand? I have asked him to leave and he laughed at me saying I had no rights on anything and that if I wanted to go the door was open but I was not taking my dcs. Can someone please help me with this.

Sorry for the ramble its 7.20am and I am already sat crying I just don't know what to do please help x

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/03/2014 09:19

"obviously your own wants must lose. "

There's no 'obviously' here. Children need stability, certainly, but they also need to grow up in a calm, loving environment rather than one where Dad talks to Mum 'like poo' and Mum is chronically depressed as a result.

MomentOfTruth · 03/03/2014 09:23

Agree cogito.
What children need are happy parents (BOTH of them not just one) and good role models.
Which isn't happening in that house.

The critical point here is that he is clearly unwilling to do anything to improve things. Without him wanting to make the relationship better for her, where can the relationship go?
The OP is still young. She has plenty of time of make a new life for herself again, one where her dcs would be able to live in a much better atmosphere. Why shouldn't she do it?

arethereanyleftatall · 03/03/2014 09:26

op - you are not being selfish. You are part of the family too and deserve time. Could you do whatever you enjoyed together pre-kids?

Annie - bizarre post of yours as I was trying to help. I suggested it because I do indeed the school runs, then in between work in an office for a few hours which stops me relying in dh for adult conversation the second he steps through the door.

abitsc · 03/03/2014 09:27

Yes, there is an obviously. Only a strange person does not see the long, gruelling torment someone like the OP has to go through to even approach coming to these conclusions, and how long they try to live with it before they even think about voicing these concerns and making it real.

When you are basically abandoned by your OH in the relationship, you are put in an impossible situation and just forced to endure it for the sake of the children, until there is no endurance left.

expatinscotland · 03/03/2014 09:27

I'd work on a plan first. So many suffer very badly financially during a split. I would look at volunteering or getting a job, any job, to build up references and a CV first, get a plan in place.

shewhowines · 03/03/2014 09:40

Difficult one. It's so important you make this work for the children's sake. That is not to say that this is all your responsibility and that you should suck it up.

Your DH must be made to understand that if he cares for his children as much as he says he does, then he won't want the marriage to fall apart, for their sakes.

He needs to work with you, to try to make this work. He needs to do this for the happiness of his children. Marriage guidance, some effort putting in what you need. Communication.

The lack of respect is worrying. I'm not sure if you would be genuinely happy with him if you did have date nights etc. Would you? Or is the problem, his lack of respect?

He needs to know that if things don't change then you will leave. If you leave then, the kids feelings will be a joint issue and not just your fault. If he truly cares about his kids then he needs to make some effort. Things may not work out but at least you both know that you tried your best. If he won't work with you, then at least you know you have tried your best,

Tryharder · 03/03/2014 09:41

Think long and very hard before breaking up your marriage.

Believe me, the grass is not greener out there. You would be a single parent, probably on benefits, your kids would be distraught .

Some of your issues are quite niggly. It sounds like you have got yourself into a position where you are fault finding with the result that people on here is saying that your husband is no good whereas I would actually like to hear his side.

It's not just about you. It sounds like you settled down too soon and are regretting that loss of freedom that most people have in their late teens and early 20s

I'm not saying leave or don't leave it's your choice.

MomentOfTruth · 03/03/2014 09:42

But she already HAS tried to work on their relationship. He doesn't want to! Any comment about her being unhappy is brushed away and put under the 'You are depressed again. Go and take some pills instead'.

So what else is she supposed to do???

Anniegoestotown · 03/03/2014 09:44

Sorry don't know what you find bizarre. The school run for some can mean by the time you get back home it is probably nearly 10am especially if you have 2 schools to go to and to get a parking space so you can pick up your dcs up in a timely fashion you have to start to prepare to leave by 1.30pm.

Not everyone has the same routines. Lucky you for finding a job which I presume is from 10am-2pm. Only df who managed to get a job like that was made redundant last year when the company rejigged offices and made everyone full-time.

And before anyone flames me for using my car for the school run, we live in the back of beyond without public transport, pavements and street lights.

Needadvice5 · 03/03/2014 09:56

Sounds like your stuck in a massive rut??

How about boosting your self esteem? Any reason you are still a sahm considering the age of your dc ?
(not getting at anyone who is)
Why not find a part time job, you'll meet new people and have a life of your own awaaway from the mundane family stuff

Does dh know that you feel this way?

Splitting the family apart is massive so think long and hard, being bored isn't a good enough reason, the grass isn't greener .....

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/03/2014 09:59

"he laughed at me saying I had no rights on anything and that if I wanted to go the door was open "

That's not a massive rut, that's living with a tit....

BritishGal · 03/03/2014 10:27

I know this won't be the majority view but I think you should leave him. Maybe if you did it would shock him enough to really think about what you require from a marriage. It's no crime to admit that you have emotional and sexual needs that aren't being fulfilled. It sounds as though he takes you completely for granted and doesn't respect you. Is he a lot older than you by any chance?

In terms of the house I'm certain that you would be granted the right to stay until the youngest child is 18. There's no way that he can compete with the day to day care that you have provided for 12 years. He would also have to maintain you. In a marriage of 12 years you would have a decent maintenance claim against him for yourself and for the children. The courts would be looking to effect as clean a break as possible but he would still have to support you and the children. And don't forget if he moves out you can claim council tax single person allowance and child tax credits or something.

But practicalities aside, if you are not in love with him and are so miserable then you should leave. I was married for ten years, we also married young, but we separated 17 months ago and divorce currently going through. I don't regret the marriage, it was the right thing at the time, but over the ten years we simply grew apart. To the outside world he looked like an ideal husband but the reality was that he behaved like an extra child at home. Totally uncontrolled emotions, happy to take his every lead from me, it's hard to explain but he didn't really function as an adult. I tried to talk to him about it lots of times but he never took any notice and eventually I left him. It was the hardest, most horrible decision of my life and terribly, terribly difficult for us both but we have now accepted that we are happier apart. He has a new girlfriend and I notice that he seems a lot more mature in this new relationship. We also manage to co-parent well.

I also have friends who have been in an unhappy marriage with one child since I've known them and they have both been, and continue to be, deeply unhappy in their lives. They stay together for the child but this has just led to an awkward, fractious, horribly tense atmosphere at home and I know for a fact that the husband has sought extra-marital relationships.

Ultimately - you have one life. Live it.

BritishGal · 03/03/2014 10:31

Annie - it's incredible isn't it how you think you have a 'whole day' when they go to school but actually you end up with about four useable hours?!?

Burren · 03/03/2014 10:55

You're not in the least selfish, OP, and anyone who suggests otherwise is hung up on some idea that mothers should martyr themselves for their children. Think about what you really want, talk to the CAB and figure out your options in the event of a split, if that's what you decide you want. You sound as if you currently feel massively disempowered, as well as miserable. Best wishes whatever you decide.

Pigsmummy · 03/03/2014 11:05

I also suggest a job out of the home, meet new people and give you something else to think about? I work from home but if I am a few days at home I have to get out, meet a colleague or customer.

Tell your DH that you are doing the job so be more independent, if on a Saturday night he is happy paying with the DC's why not go out with friends? See how he reacts to you looking for fulfilment outside of the home?

Would he do relate with you?

EverythingsDozy · 03/03/2014 11:26

I have only read the OP so sorry if I miss any info but as somebody who has just been left 9 weeks ago (10 years, 2 DC), I really think you should spell it out to him.
My husband left me and I had no idea he was unhappy. If I thought he was ready to up and leave I would have bent over backwards to try and fix things. Maybe your DH just needs that little kick up the backside.
But then, my DH also needed to bend over backwards to fix things but he was lazy and thinks the grass is greener with this bitch he's with now (sorry, still bitter!).
Have you tried relate or couples counselling? I would really let him know you are at the end of your tether before leaving. Good luck in whatever you decide!

shewhowines · 03/03/2014 11:32

Get advice from CAB

When he realises that he you will get the house and custody of the house, therefore he won't be seeing as much of the kids, he might realise it is in his interests to put some effort in. Don't put up with no respect. Thats not teaching your children anything positive. Stay, if he will work with you, and only then.

shewhowines · 03/03/2014 11:32

custody of the kids

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