about funeral?

[beachcombers]

I know I probably am being a bit U, but could use some perspective.

Relative sadly died last week, had been ill for a while, though I didn't know (not really in contact with relative's children). Anyway, funeral is tin a few days time. I will be going, no question about that. Even though I find funerals difficult, have been to a lot more than many people my age (sadly longevity is not a family trait).

Anyway, I have to go. But I'm single and so will be there on my own. Which means I will a) have no support b) stick out like a sore thumb as everyone else will be in couples apart from me and c) face a barrage of questions from my relatives about my lovelife, why haven't I found anyone, and so on :(

I've been single at practically every family event going back many years, weddings, christenings, funerals. I know at the last funeral people did look askance at the fact I was there on my own. My relatives are lovely, but being single for years and years is completely outside their experience of life.

It's not even just the questioning; I know I will feel sad/upset, and I would like to have someone there to lean on. A friend has offered which is incredibly kind of her, but she can't really afford to take time off work, and being selfish I think turning up with a friend in tow will if anything make me look even more odd :(

I guess, short of being able to magically grow a boyfriend in the next 48 hours, I have to suck it up and go on my own don't I?

[BackforGood]

Once again, if I arrive at somewhere on my own - be it a funeral or a party or a meeting or any other occasion when I've gone on my own - I wouldn't get out the car / off the train / walk in and then stand there on my own. I would walk up to someone I recognise (so in this case, all your cousins and Aunts and Uncles) and say "Hello" then "How are you?" then carry on with some small talk.... at a funeral it would generally be something about what a shock it had been or something, but in any circumstance it could be small talk about the weather or people's journey to get there or whatever.
It seems that you are determined to hang on to this idea about 'being the only one on your own' and yet you are going to a family member's funeral, so you won't be on your own, you will know people, so I don't understand why you wouldn't talk to them.

[winterhat]

Get your friend to be your "partner" for the day.

[abitsc]

YABU to think everyone's focus is on you and what you're doing.

In reality, probably nobody gives a crap what you're doing and 90% of our concern about what other people think is pointless (this is one of the liberating realisations you have as you get older, in my opinion).

Doubly so, because it's a funeral for goodness' sake. If they even ask, it's probably because they are negotiating the ghastly process of small talk.

[beachcombers]

I didn't say I won't talk to anyone. If I wasn't going to speak to anyone this issue wouldn't arise, because then no-one would ask anything!

If I arrive early, I might be there before any of the family (most are meeting at my relative's house first, and then following the funeral car) so I may be standing on my own. Even if there are people there, I will go and speak to them (of course) but I will be noticeably on my own ie not accompanied, and so inevitably be asked if I'm still single, and so on.

During the service, if the other pews are full of families/couples, I may have to sit on my own, hopefully not but it has happened before.

[falulahthecat]

Do you think maybe because you're now sensitive about it that 50% of the looks you are getting are not actually what you think they are? Maybe you look uncomfortable, maybe when they're asking if you're with someone t's just because you haven't seen them for a while.

Best thing to do is avoid the people you know always ask snarky questions, or if they ask if you've brought anyone just look behind you and say 'unless I have an invisible stalker - no!'

I used to travel alone a lot as an older teenager and have had people incredulously say "It's JUST YOU?" I just used to laugh and ask (oh so politely) if they found it so weird perhaps they could join me! Never got it so much in cities just more rural places, not sure why!

It's a funeral, not a wedding/Christening etc. Even if you were with someone who's to say they'd even want to come along? Many people don't like them/go to them.

[ilovesooty]

Why on earth would you sit on your own? Surely you would just join some friends or relatives on a pew? I've been single for years and I'm finding this all very puzzling.

[beachcombers]

If there's no room in the pews where my family are sat (which has happened before at a previous funeral where I was one of the last into the church) then I will have to sit on my own. I can't make room where there isn't any!

[Twitterqueen]

I was on my own at my mother's funeral last year. My sister had about 5 of her friends with her.

I very much wanted a friend with me (couldn't because I was on holiday when she died and the funeral was arranged for 2pm the day after I got back at 2am, so less than 12 hours' notice made it impossible).

YANBU for wanting someone with you.

[Roussette]

It sounds like you have huge issues about this and yet you are a clever, accomplished woman. Why is this weighing on your mind so much? I know I know you have said that your rellies question you, which means you must be used to it... just brush them off, arrive just in time to slip into the church, then slip out at the end and go home. OK - it's outside the life experience of your rellies - well, they are used to seeing you on your own so maybe they really won't be taking any notice anymore. Hold your head up high, go to the funeral for the right reason (i.e. to pay respects to your uncle) and leave. This isn't a social party where you have to make small talk and be a social butterfly, it's a funeral.

To be honest, and I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but you are sounding very self indulgent on this subject - my thoughts would be with the children who have lost their father.

[Logg1e]

ilovesooty I'm finding this all very puzzling.

You're not the only one.

Twitter YANBU for wanting someone with you.

Luckily a friend did offer to go along with OP in order to support her. But.

[GimmeDaBoobehz]

I'm really sorry for your loss.

It's more lonely going to a funeral on your own in my opinion than it being expected.

Why not bring a female friend with you for company/someone to cry on the shoulder of?

I am sure your family mean well but it's actually pretty discouraging to have someone always mention it all the time. It's quite upsetting, actually.

Perhaps you could take one of your closer relatives aside and tell them it's actually quite upsetting it's not like you have chosen not to have a partner yet and it's quite upsetting to have it kept being brought up?

Just a suggestion.

I hope the funeral goes OK.

[capsium]

Could you take some old family photos to help reminisce? The the conversation can be steered towards old times.

[beachcombers]

I was on my own (apart from my father) at my mother's funeral, so I can sympathise, Twitterqueen.

Of course, this isn't my parent's funeral. I can get through it on my own, I would prefer not to, but I can. I have had the offer of support that is true but turning up with a friend when everyone else is with a spouse or partner looks odd, and will be commented upon. At every family funeral I've been to as an adult (and sadly there have been a lot), none of my relatives have ever brought a friend or friends. Hence it is easier to go alone than take a female friend.

[HauntedNoddyCar]

It's a yawning gulf in lifestyles that gets thrown into sharp relief at these events I guess?

You are the odd one out for being the academic but not being married or paired off is the thing that marks you out as different and asking you about it isn't nosy to them.

So yes as you say you'll have to go and put up with it again and parry their enquiries without being rude. I imagine the best responses are the "You know me, married to my job!" tinkly style responses.

[Blistory]

I think I understand.

Going on your own to the funeral doesn't bother you in itself but it provides your family with another opportunity to comment on your 'difference'. Having a partner and attending a family event on your own is very different as people just ask where the partner is, there isn't wondering about what's wrong with you that you can't find a partner.

It's a judgement of you whether it's meant that way or not and this is just another occasion where you'll be aware of that judgement.

And some of the comments on this thread support this by pointing out, albeit well meaningly, that you just haven't found someone yet.

Being long term single is a minority position and many don't accept that it can be as valid a choice as being partnered up. I've only been single for 18 months but have no intention of ever having a relationship again but it's only in the last few months that I've become aware that being single seems to cause others discomfort or even angst. As for being single by choice, well obviously I'm just saying that to save face and not because it's an active choice.

You have to accept that there is little you can do to avoid the pity,judgement, well meaning concern or otherwise as you can't change an older generation's view of women being single and left on the shelf.

All you can do is ensure that you are comfortable with who you are, choose the battles to pick and ignore the rest.

Sorry for your loss and hope the day isn't too painful.

[winterhat]

turning up with a friend when everyone else is with a spouse or partner looks odd

No, it doesn't. Being in a relationship or being single are both normal. I'm sure they'll have met plenty of single people before. Why do you care if they are rude enough to comment?

[beachcombers]

Haunted, that pretty much sums it up. My family are not hugely traditional in some ways, but are in the sense that all of them have very long and happy relationships. I don't fit in to that, I'd like to, but I don't.

Blistory, I'm only single by choice in that I haven't met anyone I want to be with who also wants to be with me. I'd like to get married, even just to feel (romantic) love again, but it hasn't happened yet. I hope it will, but it hasn't. It is as it is, but I'd like it to be otherwise.

[HauntedNoddyCar]

beach, I remember that feeling from after my unfortunate first marriage and subsequent divorce when confronted with vast swathes of family that had been married since the dawn of time and as the oldest of my generation I should have settled down for good after a white wedding.

It did happen though. DH and DC. I used to take the line of "I'm not washing someone else's socks, ta!" and actually I meant it then. And I certainly wasn't going to be changing nappies for heaven's sake. I wanted to live and see the world and have a bit of fun. Which I did. Difficult to get that across though to people who haven't stepped outside the pattern of their family.

You never know, you might get there to find out that someone else has done something more 'shocking' than you and you'll be happily upstaged by "Our Barry who's run off with the man down the road"