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AIBU?

about funeral?

119 replies

beachcombers · 02/03/2014 12:28

I know I probably am being a bit U, but could use some perspective.

Relative sadly died last week, had been ill for a while, though I didn't know (not really in contact with relative's children). Anyway, funeral is tin a few days time. I will be going, no question about that. Even though I find funerals difficult, have been to a lot more than many people my age (sadly longevity is not a family trait).

Anyway, I have to go. But I'm single and so will be there on my own. Which means I will a) have no support b) stick out like a sore thumb as everyone else will be in couples apart from me and c) face a barrage of questions from my relatives about my lovelife, why haven't I found anyone, and so on :(

I've been single at practically every family event going back many years, weddings, christenings, funerals. I know at the last funeral people did look askance at the fact I was there on my own. My relatives are lovely, but being single for years and years is completely outside their experience of life.

It's not even just the questioning; I know I will feel sad/upset, and I would like to have someone there to lean on. A friend has offered which is incredibly kind of her, but she can't really afford to take time off work, and being selfish I think turning up with a friend in tow will if anything make me look even more odd :(

I guess, short of being able to magically grow a boyfriend in the next 48 hours, I have to suck it up and go on my own don't I?

OP posts:

Report

ilovesooty · 02/03/2014 13:02

I don't do anything similar at family events 2stops I just think the OP needs to develop some coping strategies. If you're single it's a necessity otherwise you'd never go to family occasions, social events or go on holiday.

WooWooOwl · 02/03/2014 13:05

You won't look odd, having a partner is not obligatory, nor is it a measure of success in life.

If your relatives feel the need to make it into an issue, then they are bing odd.

beachcombers · 02/03/2014 13:05

I don't understand what sort of coping strategies you mean ilove?

I always do go to things on my own, as I said in my OP I've been single at practically every family event for years, it's not like this is a first.

OP posts:

beachcombers · 02/03/2014 13:07

I will look odd, or certainly stand out, because I will be the only mourner over 18 without their spouse/partner.

OP posts:

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 02/03/2014 13:08

So then surely you have experience dealing with the questions OP if it happens all the time? Really not understanding why this particular time is an issue?

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 02/03/2014 13:09

NO ONE NOTICES OR LOOKS TO SEE WHO IS WITH A PARTNER AND WHO ISNT!

you are making this a far bigger deal that it actually is. It wont look odd.

Only1scoop · 02/03/2014 13:14

It's not all about you....it's a funeral.

You seem to think everyone will be so hung up on you being single and what, whys wherefores involved.

They are there to pay respects to the poor deceased as you should be.

Not to give thought to you and your single status.

NearTheWindymill · 02/03/2014 13:16

Sorry for your loss. But I am married and have attended the last two funerals on my own (great uncle and best friend's mum). People were glad one of us had made it. DH has done likewise on his side when I've been unable to go.

People, especially family, should just be pleased to see you.

foslady · 02/03/2014 13:17

I can understand where you're coming from, and at a guess will be the older lot questioning. May I suggest 1st time you are asked if you have brought a partner answer quite authoritatively 'No'. If they ask any further suggest the reply of 'This is X's funeral, is that the best thing you can think to talk about?'.

Personally I prefer now to be at funerals on my own. I can grieve how and at what point I want without feeling as if I have to put on a brave face for those who have come with me.

And my family do judge by relationship/family. Despite all I had ever achieved personally and industrially, the most congratulations/acknowledgement I ever got from my family was when I announced my pregnancy.....

RiverTam · 02/03/2014 13:21

loving the fact that no-one appears to have noticed the OP saying that this has happened to her in the past at family funerals.

It may not be a problem for all of you, but in the OP's experience, which is more pertinent, it is a problem for her family that she is single. Which is very sad.

Honestly have no words of wisdom but have some ((())) OP.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 02/03/2014 13:24

Eh? I commented on exactly that fact rivertam

FabBakerGirl · 02/03/2014 13:28

I think it is more off of people to interrogate you about your personal life than "wrong" that you "still" have no partner. Taking a male friend will bring even more questions and you would be pandering to the people who think there is something wrong with someone being single.

You need to find a way to be not bothered about turning up anywhere alone and stop feeling like you are anyway in the wrong or the one with a problem.

If they ask you why you are there on your own you need to put it back on them. Ask them exactly who should you be with.

Could you pay your friend the pay she would loose if she did take the day off so no guilt necessary?

Why were they surprised you attended the last gathering on your own? Were they under the impression you had a partner?

Logg1e · 02/03/2014 13:36

OP you will be a distant relative at a funeral. I can promise most people attending the funeral will be thinking about the person who died and their own sadness, not you.

Scuttlebutter · 02/03/2014 13:42

I've had to attend a lot of funerals over the past three years. I've gone to some with DH, some with friends, and some by myself. He has gone solo to two - as others have said, it's not really something I'd be sitting and thinking about.

If it bothers you that much I think there are two options - don't go at all - if necessary, you can politely say you were unwell (if anyone asks), or do go but have a prepared response if you are asked about your personal life - if you know you are going to be asked by rude and nosey relatives, then you have plenty of time to prepare a polite but firm phrase you can use.

As others have said, I'd minimise the time spent talking before and after the service. Try to time your arrival so you don't have to wait too long outside teh church/crem, walk briskly in, and it's perfectly OK not to attend the bunfight afterwards. Or, if you do go, give yourself half an hour to briskly work the room, talk to the principal mourners and leave politely.

ilovesooty · 02/03/2014 13:42

Well said foslady Challenging this sort of rude behaviour is an excellent coping strategy in my experience. No one should feel as though they have to apologise for their situation or accept comments and implied judgement. If relatives comment to the OP in thus way at a funeral it's grossly inappropriate and they need pulling up on it.

FryOneFatManic · 02/03/2014 13:44

Logg1e Please read the OP's posts. She has said this has happened at other family events including funerals. She's speaking from experience of her family so she knows she's going to be asked.

It is unusual, but while it's not happened at any funeral I've ever been to, I can quite believe that it happens to OP.

OP< I'm sorry for your loss, but as I've not experienced this, I'm not sure I can offer any possible strategies to deal with the questions.

Logg1e · 02/03/2014 13:45

Fry please read my first reply on this thread, where I acknowledged that.

What's our choice here? "Say, poor you, yes, this whole funeral will be about you and your relationship status"? I think replies have been pretty kind.

BoffinMum · 02/03/2014 13:47

What an odd problem. I would just pop in and leave before the do afterwards.

WooWooOwl · 02/03/2014 13:47

I will look odd, or certainly stand out, because I will be the only mourner over 18 without their spouse/partner.

Only if your relatives don't include you in their conversation and treat you as a loved family member. Otherwise how would onlookers know who was single and who wasn't?

I really think that if you're feeling like this then it's do do with oddness in the attitudes of your relatives, not your marital status. There is nothing odd about being single.

I have a cousin who is late thirties, single, and is generally the only single one at family events. But it doesn't make any difference, even if she does feel a bit self conscious about it, because we value her and like her the same as we would if she were married.

FryOneFatManic · 02/03/2014 13:48

If the OP's relationship status has been the major conversation point at other events, then yes, it probably is about her, and quite clearly she doesn't want it to be.

I think maybe the best solution is to say she'll go, but come down with a diplomatic illness on the day and not actually attend.

vestandknickers · 02/03/2014 13:50

I'm pretty sure your dating status won't be at the forefront of most people's minds.

BackforGood · 02/03/2014 13:51

I still can't get my head round why you think you will be the only mourner who has not come as a couple. As many posters have said, there are loads of reasons why people go to t a funeral without their partner even where there is one.
Also, at every funeral I've been to, people aall sit together in the pews/ seats in Church / the Crem, so you don't know who is partner to who, even if you were looking round to try and spot it, and then at the tea afterwards, everybody mingles and moves around and talks to other people then, again, it would not be apparent to any observer who was with who.
I really do think you are making a 'thing' out of this where there isn't one.

Annunziata · 02/03/2014 13:52

My family are terrible for gossiping at funerals too, I don't blame you.

Can you skip the wake, they're always the worst bits for random cousins and aunts to interrogate you?

MrsDeVere · 02/03/2014 13:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/03/2014 13:54

OP... Go with foslady's response; it's great and it will stop further intrusive and idiotic questions. Don't even be tempted to use the MN standard of 'did you mean to be so rude?', it fits so few instances and looks a bit crass and desperate as a response.

You could also do a pre-emptive strike as Birdsgottafly suggested - telling people in advance that you'll be coming alone.

Don't feel that you have to be polite about it - or excuse your lone attendance in any way. Practice a withering stare in the mirror.

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