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AIBU?

about funeral?

119 replies

beachcombers · 02/03/2014 12:28

I know I probably am being a bit U, but could use some perspective.

Relative sadly died last week, had been ill for a while, though I didn't know (not really in contact with relative's children). Anyway, funeral is tin a few days time. I will be going, no question about that. Even though I find funerals difficult, have been to a lot more than many people my age (sadly longevity is not a family trait).

Anyway, I have to go. But I'm single and so will be there on my own. Which means I will a) have no support b) stick out like a sore thumb as everyone else will be in couples apart from me and c) face a barrage of questions from my relatives about my lovelife, why haven't I found anyone, and so on :(

I've been single at practically every family event going back many years, weddings, christenings, funerals. I know at the last funeral people did look askance at the fact I was there on my own. My relatives are lovely, but being single for years and years is completely outside their experience of life.

It's not even just the questioning; I know I will feel sad/upset, and I would like to have someone there to lean on. A friend has offered which is incredibly kind of her, but she can't really afford to take time off work, and being selfish I think turning up with a friend in tow will if anything make me look even more odd :(

I guess, short of being able to magically grow a boyfriend in the next 48 hours, I have to suck it up and go on my own don't I?

OP posts:

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landrover · 02/03/2014 16:28

Or tell that that you haven't decided what sexuality you are attracted to yet!

beachcombers · 02/03/2014 18:13

I appreciate it's probably outside some peopLe's frame of reference, but in my family, conversations generally go along the lines of are you seeing anyone, followed by a comment on appearance (you're looking well, or you've put weight on/lost it - as applicable). I was being asked at family occasions when I was 16 why I didn't have a boyfriend. My dad always used to jump in and say I didn't have time, schoolwork was a priority :) obviously can't use that excuse now - and I don't have my dad to answer for me.

I'll be going on my own, its what I always do, every time. I'd just prefer not to be doing it on my own yet again, and I really doubt anyone in my position would feel any differently.

OP posts:

FabBakerGirl · 02/03/2014 18:17

You just haven't met the one for you yet and that does not mean there is anything wrong with you so don't let your relatives imply it.

Is it support you want - take the friend who has offered
or the fact you have no boyfriend to take and they will harass you again? In which case tell them to back off.

Pollywallywinkles · 02/03/2014 18:48

If you don't want to go on your own take your friend with you, or don't go.

If you go on your own, don't arrive at the church too early (allows hardly If any time for gossip. Leave after the service (got to go back to work, traffic etc) and don't go to the wake. Or, do the whole thing and if asked you just need to say no one special enough to attend the funeral at the moment.

afriendcalledfive · 02/03/2014 18:51

Hi op, going slightly off track, I remember the days (many moons ago) when I was single (shock horror).

OMG it was a crime, I tell you, A CRIME!

Ok joking aside, I got it in the neck EVERY. SINGLE. SUNDAY. MORNING.

Been out with friend to a nightclub the night before, as was normal on a Saturday night. Lived with my parents at the time (I was only 19).

Mum: So, how did it go last night?
Me: Great night thanks, danced away, enjoyed ourselves, had a few..
Mum And????
Me: And what??
Mum And? DID YOU MEET ANYBODY?
Me: No !!
Mum, Oh for the love of GOD, I swear there is something wrong with you, girl.

Cue Mum shouting to Dad. 'She hasn't met anybody, you know'.
Said while I was still sat there.
Dad: Just what is wrong with you, girl, are you one of those lesbos you hear about?

Well, anyway. I feel for you, even if it isn't often you see any of your relatives. It is downright rude.

Are these relatives of a certain maturity? If they are, there is a chance they married for security rather than love at that time, so you could answer back with something along the lines of you'd rather be single than marry just for security. That'll stop 'em :)

And my Mum and Dad are doing it to my niece now, the same old questions.

afriendcalledfive · 02/03/2014 19:03

....oh, and I felt a failure. They made me feel that way. Even though I wasn't. is that how they make you feel, op?

beachcombers · 02/03/2014 20:15

I don't feel a failure. I just feel different.

My relatives aren't deliberately nasty, they don't ask to be horrible, or point score. I think they are genuinely a bit incredulous that I am (still/always) single. They almost all - and this goes for those my age/younger, as well as the generation above me, met their partners in their teens/20s. There are no divorces, no single parents.

Hence I stand out.

They worry I think that I am on my own (this was said at my parent's funerals - there was concern I had no-one to look after me). It's a traditional East End family - basically if I turned up with a Danny Dyer type bloke, they would be over the moon.

I've made up my mind that I'll be going on my own. Much as I would like support, taking my friend will draw more attention to me, and I would rather go without the support (I know I can manage if I have to) than do that.

OP posts:

landrover · 02/03/2014 20:25

If you don't feel a failure and your relatives aren't being deliberately nasty, then I'm not quite sure why you are on here? Its a funeral so really nothing matters other than the deceased!
Now you say that they worry? So tell them your partner can't make it and leave it like that, not quite sure why there is a problem!

winterhat · 02/03/2014 20:26

"Are you still single?"

"Yes. And how are you?"

"You haven't met anyone yet?"

Ignore question and change subject as many times as you need.

afriendcalledfive · 02/03/2014 20:35

Hi beach. I think if my parents had been a bit more concerned that I had nobody to look after me, rather than saying there was 'something wrong' with me, then I wouldn't have bothered so much.

My mum told me she married my dad just for support alone. They should never have married. It is the most miserable marriage ever. Not much in the line of role models are they? The funny thing is, they hate the fact I'm happily married!!! Always snipping...

I'd rather be on my own than marry just for security, and I loved living on my own when I did.

Sorry to hear about your relative, by the way x

beachcombers · 02/03/2014 20:42

Landrover, I don't want to stand out (which I know I will, as I'll be the only one there on my own), or to have to talk about being single, or why I am (when I have no idea of the answer!).

I'm not prepared to say I have a partner, because they would know it was a lie. I will just answer questions politely, ask about them to try and deflect attention, and hope not to be asked about it too many times.

OP posts:

TheSurgeonsMate · 02/03/2014 20:45

I'd take the friend. She's offered, and she knows best what she can afford. You can do something nice for her in return. Where I come from it is absolutely normal to go to funerals for the sole purpose of supporting the bereaved. I have been to several funerals for people I haven't met, generally close relatives of close friends or colleagues. It really sounds like you need the support.

Logg1e · 02/03/2014 21:03

OP My relatives aren't deliberately nasty, they don't ask to be horrible, or point score... I would rather go without the support (I know I can manage if I have to)

I wish you'd posted that at 12:30.

beachcombers · 02/03/2014 21:10

Your problem is what exactly Loggle?

I will manage, I have to. Do I want to? No.

Would I rather not have to, rather avoid all the questions? (which unless you've been single for a long time, you won't understand are hard to deal with, having to be asked the same thing over and over again) yes of course I bloody would.

If I had a male friend, I'd take one, questions avoided. But I don't. So as usual, I have to suck it up. I won't like it, but I'm obliged to be there, so I don't have a choice.

OP posts:

CeliaLytton · 02/03/2014 21:10

OP YANBU to wish you had a supportive partner, especially at sad occasions.

Ignore all the posters who have said nobody will care or notice if you are there alone, they clearly haven't read your OP properly to see that this is bought up by your family time and time again, including at funerals.

Have some lines ready to bring the conversation around to a topic you are comfortable with.

And maybe arrange to meet your lovely friend for a drink later that day?

Sorry for your loss.

Logg1e · 02/03/2014 21:14

Posters have made lots of suggestions though OP, none of which suit.

Logg1e · 02/03/2014 21:16

If you'd just said, "I'll manage" we needn't have tried to help.

Only1scoop · 02/03/2014 21:22

I don't really understand the AIBU bit ....about what? Knowing your mourning relatives may ask you if you have met someone?

beachcombers · 02/03/2014 21:34

Loggle, I said I'll manage without my friend's support, ie I will hold it together in terms of my sadness over my relatives death.

Managing dealing with my relatives is a different issue. I have said (if you'd bothered to read rather than yet again having a dig at me) I will be trying to deflect attention - as has been suggested by various people upthread.

You've clearly never been in my position, and have no possible understanding of it, maybe if you'd been longterm single, you might be a bit more conciliatory in your responses.

OP posts:

Logg1e · 02/03/2014 21:38

Well, perhaps I have been single, but just had a different experience of it.

Glad to hear you've got some strategies up your sleeve, and that despite being the only single person there that the whole experience isn't as bad as you fear.

BackforGood · 02/03/2014 22:44

This bit still doesn't make sense though

I don't want to stand out (which I know I will, as I'll be the only one there on my own)

At no normal family gathering after a funeral do people line up in pairs - announced at a formal presentation to the queen, maybe, at the sort of dance where you need a partner, maybe, but not when people are mingling and mixing and sitting or standing anywhere, and sitting around in groups. I still feel that the whole "thing" about you 'standing out' because you are on your own is coming from you.

I have a cousin who is the same age as me which is pretty ancient who hasn't yet met the right 'special person' for her, but when we are together at any gathering, there has never been an occasion when all the couples are somehow standing or sitting together as a couple, leaving out the one single person - it just doesn't happen, however rude 'in your face' your family are.

LunchLadyWannabe · 02/03/2014 22:47

Im going to a funeral on tues. I wonder if its the same one....

beachcombers · 02/03/2014 23:37

Backforgood, I did say I won't be going to the wake, so that isn't an issue. However, in the standing around before and after the service, when everyone is arriving and leaving in pairs, or groups of pairs, I will be very noticeably on my own. That's not my spin on it, it's a fact.

I will try to arrive as close to the time of the service as I can (as I think was suggested earlier) to keep standing around time to a minimum. However I will be travelling by public transport, I don't want to cut it too fine and risk being late so will have to be there a little early.

OP posts:

Xoticdreamz · 02/03/2014 23:50

Take your friend , I think although I'm sure you would cope without the support it would be lovely for you to have some . As for the reli questions , being a wee black sheep in my day I understand and think people ask these intrusive questions without thinking Half the time . Rise above it.
I hope the funeral is a fitting send off.

Hissy · 02/03/2014 23:57

But it's nobody's business whether you are single or not!

They have zero rights to question you on this!

Come up with some retors that put them back on the back foot.

Like "I can't believe you are concerned with the Ins and outs of my love life at a funeral ffs, where are your manners?"

The fact that you currently don't have a partner is no business of anyone else.

You are focusing on the wrong issue here, it's them that are the problem.

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