about funeral?

[beachcombers]

I know I probably am being a bit U, but could use some perspective.

Relative sadly died last week, had been ill for a while, though I didn't know (not really in contact with relative's children). Anyway, funeral is tin a few days time. I will be going, no question about that. Even though I find funerals difficult, have been to a lot more than many people my age (sadly longevity is not a family trait).

Anyway, I have to go. But I'm single and so will be there on my own. Which means I will a) have no support b) stick out like a sore thumb as everyone else will be in couples apart from me and c) face a barrage of questions from my relatives about my lovelife, why haven't I found anyone, and so on :(

I've been single at practically every family event going back many years, weddings, christenings, funerals. I know at the last funeral people did look askance at the fact I was there on my own. My relatives are lovely, but being single for years and years is completely outside their experience of life.

It's not even just the questioning; I know I will feel sad/upset, and I would like to have someone there to lean on. A friend has offered which is incredibly kind of her, but she can't really afford to take time off work, and being selfish I think turning up with a friend in tow will if anything make me look even more odd :(

I guess, short of being able to magically grow a boyfriend in the next 48 hours, I have to suck it up and go on my own don't I?

[JanineStHubbins]

If you're that bothered about it, just say you're seeing someone but he couldn't get time off work to come. Then, next time you see your relatives, say that you dumped him (for some reason very flattering to you)! Problem solved

[oldgrandmama]

Last funeral I went to I was on my own. It was my exMIL's funeral. My exH was there with the trollop he'd married my ex 'best friend', whom he'd been shagging most of our 20 year marriage now his 'D'W.

I thought it would be awkward ... but I had a great time at the post funeral service reception at a golf club (what the hell does one call it?), because everyone, including exH, made a huge fuss of me, while his 'D'W sat at a table in the corner and glared at me.

OW, don't worry. Just look and act cool, don't overdo the grieving relative bit (I understand you hardly knew the deceased) and honestly, no-one is going to think it odd you're without a 'plus one'.

[Scarletohello]

I'm going to my mums funeral next week. I too will be on my own with my two older sisters who have partners. I wish I had someone to support me and I guess it's just brought it home to me how alone I am at this time.

I do understand how you feel.

[MrsCampbellBlack]

What I would do is turn up as near to the actual start time as possible, slink in at the back, pay your condolences to the immediate family straight after and then leave to go to an urgent appointment.

[beachcombers]

With respect, I'm not a distant relative. It was my parent's sibling who died. So actually fairly close, and not that old.

It's not like I'm pitching up to the funeral of a nonogenarian great uncle I last saw when I was 3.

I don't know why the family ask, because it's outside their realm of experience I suppose? I am the golden girl in my family, the first (and still only) one to go to university, have a professional career, one of the first to own a home, etc. I think maybe they just don't get why I am single.

[vj32]

My one experience as an adult of a family funeral (sort of distant family, complicated) is that some people were incredibly rude. Too much grief/emotion they didn't know how to deal with I guess (as its not a very demonstrative family), but it came out as making quite a few people feel very unwelcome without any particular reason. They clearly didn't feel it was all about the deceased, but that it was all about their grief and therefore they could say what they liked. I can easily imagine a fairly dysfunctional family seizing on someone's relationship status to distract themselves from the reality of what is happening that day.

[CumberCookie]

I've been single for ages too, I know what you mean about families asking "not found anyone yet?" and all that rubbish.

But it is a funeral nobody will care or even notice, just be glad you came.
Can't you bring a friend to support you?

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

Tell them you're too busy with the important stuff and having a life to worry about fitting someone else in.

[Logg1e]

Sorry, I presumed you weren't close because you hadn't known they were ill and you aren't in touch with the deceased's children.

So, given that you are the family Golden Girl and people are going to be really interested in your relationship status (that you'd understanably rather not get in to), what coping strategies are you putting in place?

[ilovesooty]

I think faking a diplomatic illness or inventing a partner who couldn't come is just pandering to their rudeness. As I said: I'd either call them on how rude their question is or simply make it clear that your priorities lie elsewhere.

[EBearhug]

I have been known to answer with, "Clearly it's because I'm completely unloveable." It does stop them asking again, though I would agree it's not really the most tactful way of doing it.

[Floralnomad]

You do sound very self obsessed and I doubt any of your relatives are really that interested ,they're just making small talk . It does sound like being single bothers you though so perhaps you should do something about it , try Internet dating or taking up a class where there are lots of men .

[RiverTam]

wow, helpful Flora

[splasheeny]

Op I don't think anyone will care at a funeral. I'm saying that to reassure you. Go on your own and stop worrying.

[nennypops]

You do sound very self obsessed

No, she absolutely doesn't. She's simply writing from bitter experience of what she's encountered before at family funerals, and she's perfectly justified in worrying about having to cope with it all yet again.

[specialmagiclady]

Yes, a funeral is about grief, but it is also about gathering the remaining family in support of the immediately bereaved. You can't all be wrapped around the widow and bereaved children for the entire do, so small talk will happen.

I have the kind of family where people want to know what you are up to when they see you. Sadly, we are seeing each other at more funerals than weddings these days. I am married with kids and work so I have 3 instant things that people i see rarely but who are interested in how i am can ask me about to get conversation started "how are x,y,z, how Is work?" for the singleton, the equivalent is "are you seeing anyone. How is work?"

It can wear thin to rehearse the same answers again and again. And exposing if you are feeling low about it.

I totally sympathise, OP, in this situation I would be feeling daunted by the Legions of Interrogating Aunts too.

OP could you think of some distraction techniques? Like "nobody special at the moment now tell me all about yoouuuuu!"

[BobPatSamandIgglePiggle]

Go with one short answer and stick with it. Add a queation to deflect the conversation back to them.

'ive not had time to meet anyone new recently, work is very busy. How's Mary doing these days?'

If you know it will happen (and you know your family, not us) you might as well plan for it.

[Floralnomad]

Sorry but anyone who is worried that relatives ,that they're not particularly close to ,are really that interested in their love life and not just making small talk and describes themselves as the family 'golden girl' does sound a bit self obsessed to me . Surely the whole point of a funeral should be remembering the person that has died .

[SantanaLopez]

the Legions of Interrogating Aunts too.

haha!

Have ever been to a funeral, floral? People talk and gossip, especially when they haven't seen each other in a while. OP is not being self obsessed in the slightest.

[RiverTam]

flora RTFT - OP has made it clear that this has happened before. And all the funerals I've been too have involved loads of gossip and how are you and what are you up to these days kind of chat.

And I know others who've been the first to uni for example, and yes, they're the golden girl/boy.

OP is self-aware, not self-obsessed.

[pandarific]

I know exactly what the OP means, and I'm boggled by the posters who seem to be unable to grasp that some families are set up in just this way - ie, that extended family events (yes, funerals too) are brilliant opportunities for point scoring and nosiness/rudeness. It's vile, but if there's a pattern, as the OP has stated there is, it would be unwise to think it won't happen again. Sheesh.

Sorry for your loss.

[ilovesooty]

Good idea Bob

[ilovesooty]

The distraction is probably less confrontational than my suggestion of challenging them.

[landrover]

To be honest, if you feel that way then I would just send flowers and an apology for absence, why put up with that nonsense, the deceased won't care!!!