To think that some people are extremely self absorbed?

[baconfrazzles]

I call it the 'bubble of self' when people are like this, and it really irritates me.

I have a friend who is extremely self absorbed; she literally talks about herself and her problems constantly and never listens to a word anyone else says. I know she never listens as sometimes I'll tell her something, and she'll barely acknowledge it then she'll be surprised a few weeks later when I say I've done X or Y even though I have already told her. On the rare occasion that I have a problem she barely listens and never offers any advice and just says that I'm lucky I haven't got things as bad as she's got it. I've always been there for her and have been happy to listen, but in all honesty a lot of her problems are things she's taken out of proportion. She makes mountains out of molehills and turns them into huge issues.

I have a few other acquaintances that are like it; they just babble on constantly about themselves, and never ask anyone any questions or listen to anyone else's. Their facebook is all 'me me me', and they are the same in person. I actually had the misfortune of going on a night out a few months ago with about 5 people who were like this and who talked over each other all night about themselves. I ended up having a proper conversation where both parties talk and listen with just one other woman who was there, who felt the same way that I did.

Is it just the way of the world now that people are generally self absorbed? How on earth do people like that manage to keep hold of friends and partners?

tethers

My mum is like this. She stopped me getting up to make DS2 lunch and shushed him so that she could continue to describe the plot of 'Salamander' to me.
Salamander is a Flemish language subtitled cop drama broadcast on BBC4 on Saturday night, if you didn't know. If you want any further information, don't waste precious time watching it, I'll get my mum round and you can find out what is happening in the hour long programme in a mere twenty minutes. Although ten of them will be her saying 'Erm, and then erm'.

She cannot be told either. It was dd's birthday last week and she hit me on the arm during a conversation with my sister to insist I 'tap up her email' on my tablet (she no longer looks at her own email, always gets me to do it), and my sister said 'I think she has better things to do on her daughter's birthday!'
She totally ignored her, she is rather deaf so I think if anyone asks her not to be selfish or talks about themselves she just ignores them! I also think living alone does not help as she isn't getting the reality check of talking to other people and taking turns in conversation.

Ffs stupid phone. I was going to say Im like Undertone - I find a lot of people cant be bothered to make conversation so I end up filling the silence and babble on about myself.

DP's sister is like this. She is very spoiled and immature. Some of her classics include screaming "Stop crying it's not all about you you know!" at her mum after their Dad walked out, being annoyed that DD was due two days after her birthday, because "people will forget I'm 22 two days after", commenting on every photo of DD "I have the most beautiful neice" instead of just commenting how beautiful she is, complaining that my stepsister and half-sister are being called Aunts as she is "the only actual blood relative aunt" and finally, after I had been bullied into asking her to be a bridesmaid, she has just insisted on coming along to view the venue with DP and their mum, as she "will be bridesmaid so needs to know what she is dealing with"

IMO it's being spoiled that does it!

My mother and two of my siblings are like this. The rest of us (including me) are very quiet and introverted. I find people fascinating and don't talk much so I quite like people who blather on for ages. Saves me thinking up something to talk about and I don't mind listening to them.

My mother and two of my siblings are like this. The rest of us (including me) are very quiet and introverted. I find people fascinating and don't talk much so I quite like people who blather on for ages. Saves me thinking up something to talk about and I don't mind listening to them.

Baconfrazzles - you have exactly described a friend of mine!

We've known each other for 30 years but it's only over the last few years I've woken up to how totally selfish and totally self absorbed she is. She never listens to anything I have to say - even when I'm replying to 'how are you' she's already talking about herself and not listening to my reply, she expects me always to use my car whenever we go anywhere, goes on and on about total trivia (listing off a whole shopping list of what she's just bought at Tesco's is a favourite or a blow by blow account of every single thing that has happened in her working day - she knows absolutely nothing about my work because a) she has never asked and b)I don't want to 'bore' a non office worker with office talk), has no interest in broadening her horizons but acts jealous if anyone else tries to. I am planning a once in a lifetime trip to America and she changes the subject on the rare occasion I've tried to mention it or just makes a snide comment about how she could never afford to do that. Well neither could myself and my husband - it's taken us 10 years of sacrificing doing nice things to save up. Such self absorbed people seem to have zero self awareness and a zero ability to 'filter' what they are saying into interesting nuggets rather than a complete history of everything!

I've slowly been having less and less contact but being the first one to stop the birthday and Christmas present buying is my next challenge!

I worry that I might be like that too. I used to interrupt people, I cringe when I think about it. I'm so awkward though. I never seem to know when it's my turn to speak ,particularly in groups of people. Being self conscious about it makes it worse.
When someone says something like " I'm going to France " I invariably say " oh I was there blah blah" then the conversation ends up being about me which wasn't my intention at all. It's embarrassing .

Yes people certainly can be like this - often are. I have a small group of friends who are not self-absorbed; that's why it is a small group!

Some people can't carry their own shit.

Some people are good at carrying shit and when the people who are rubbish at it spot a good shit carrier they like to offload it onto them.

You have the choice of whether you carry someone else's shit as well as your own. You can listen to the shit, if you're the listening sort but you don't have to take it on.

Listening to shit isn't heavy, you can let it go as soon as you've heard it. But the person who can't carry their own shit, is never going to be able to carry someone else's.

I don't know about "carrying" shit, but some people certainly post it.

I find this all very confusing. Surely in a conversation someone is going to be talking about themselves and expecting the other person to give their own experiences and opinions etc?

If both parties were too scared to talk about themselves or relate a similar experience for fear of being 'self absorbed' then a conversation wouldn't occur.

I think what is happening is that a lot of people have forgotten the mechanics of conversation. How to interject without interrupting, how to give some personal info and then ask about the other person's experiences.

Perhaps this happening due to social media and texting rather than speaking on the phone or face to face?

Possibly Bookworm but my mum doesn't use social media- although as I mentioned I think living alone doesn't help as again you don't get to practice conversations and turn taking.

I wonder if there is any way to help retrain people to have better social skills when it comes to turn taking and conversations, if they have lost those skills for any reason?

I think there is a distinction here, the OP is complaining about people who within close friendships and on a one to one basis are only interested in talking about themselves, while some other people are confessing that in awkward social occasions they can fall into talking about themselves to avoid the awkward silences.

I used to complain about friends that did this to me, now I don't know if it is because of them, but now if they shut up and allow me to speak I have nothing to say for myself. And I am one of those horrible people who just goes from asking one question to another, when I have to make conversation.

Umm yes there is a very very clear distinction between people who don't talk about themselves as they are shy/lacking in confidence and therefore allow others to drive all conversation - and people's whose lives/conversation is ALL ABOUT ME ME ME ME ME.

I don't know what is baffling about that?

Lazyhound

But possibly creepier are the people who ask lots of questions and divulge nothing of themselves?

Did you ask them about themselves?

It's such a minefield isn't it. You talk too much about yourself and you're self absorbed or you ask lots of questions and are creepy! Seems like each conversation has to be an exact balance of information/questions from both sides.

Of course there are those who sit back smugly letting someone blather on about themselves (possibly not wanting an uncomfortable silence), offering nothing but one word responses to questions and then enjoy criticising them for being 'me me me' later....

I don't know, really, that it is a minefield at all. Most people I meet are fine, not creepy or terrible or anything, just normal, nice people. Sometimes when you meet someone for the first time either you or they say something mad or bizarre, that happens, but I think no more often than your best mate or your dad says something mad or weird. People just say stuff sometimes that comes out a bit wrong. It's not like they poo on your shoes or threaten your first born with clown based horror.

I very rarely go home and play back the shock horror horrendous things other people have said to me. I'm normally far too busy having a go at myself for whatever inanities I have professed.

I can relate.

On one hand we have a few friends who seem to scream at dinner parties to be heard and I find myself being that person who pathetically starts 'well...bu....n....so...hey!....but.....HELLO?! Is this thing on?!' (Invisible microphone). I find it sooooooooo rude. No one should have to fight to be heard because you think it's hilarious to create a constant barrage of innuendo to keep the attention firmly on yourself. NO ONE cares about your house renovations that have been going on for what seems like 2 years. NO ONE cares that some CEO of BP and his wife send their kids to the same poncey school as your little princess. No one cares that you drive an A Class because 'it's a Mercedes don't you know?'... Yes! And a shit one! (Sorry A class drivers...it is). Believe it or not we also have lives in which things happen? Holidays? Job prospects? Children? Maybe you could take a slight interest? We are interesting people!

Then I have the one on one friends who say 'come for coffee' and then spend the entire time talking about themselves and their boyfriend and their job they hate and when- after an hour or two of listening I say I really need to go because I am ridiculously pregnant and resisting the need to vomit/fall asleep through sheer exhaustion, and also need to get my toddler home to get dinner etc, I get the look of 'ugh! It's all about you!' Yep- sorry, entitled but my kids come first and your 'ishoos' are menial (which you will discover once you actually have real issues that aren't 'OMG Sam totally said he would call at 9 but he called at like, 9.15! And I was like, where were you? And he was like.....' Etc)

But then on the other hand, I have a habit of trying to 'relate' too much, which is simply my way of saying I'm listening and I understand, but may come across as me trying to divert the attention back to me constantly. I'm aware of this but somehow get caught in those situations where I feel uncomfortable and just can't stop!

I'm interested in the house renovations of people I like well enough to invite to dinner, and their kids etc.

I think this might be like those Facebook threads where people hate all sorts of updates and I really think it's more about them disliking the person making the update than the behaviour being absolutely proscribed.

Personally I feel happy, uplifted, when my friends are happy and I'm glad to know their successes as well as their trials. I think this is true of most people? A friend of mine just posted a picture of the enormous pile of presents she has bought for her little girl (a common complaint on MN). Well, I know her and how her own childhood was, and how pleased and proud she was feeling at being able to do that for her baby. And the picture made me glad!

Perhaps if I did not like her very much it could get up my nose but then I just unfollow people I don't like very much. And don't invite them for dinner!

Anatana- it's more the fact that it's all they talk about- not what they talk about but to the extent in which they go on about themselves. My friend recently had a new baby, and bought a house, our other friends went around and had also bought a new house and got engaged. The couple who got engaged and bought a new house spent the entire time talking about THEIR house and renovations and didn't take any interest in new baby/new house....

Exactly Sillylass. Sometimes it feels as though my friend is trying to counsel me and all I want is for her to give feedback, opinions and personal experience. I wouldn't then accuse her of 'always turning it back round to herself' because I'd want that balance. Maybe she's scared to be thought of as self absorbed all the while making me seem so!

This is my SIL. She is a lovely lady and I do like her but she does nothing but talk about herself and my neice and nephew. If I start a topic she just cuts straight across with the next thing on her mind or if I manage to get a few words out then whatever I've said gets turned round to be about her children instead.

It's exhausting tbh. She doesn't even want my opinion just to talk at me relentlessly. Not surprisingly she doesn't have many friends and I'm a captive audience when we go over.