Wibu to have shouted at my mum?

[pyjamaramadrama]

Backstory is, my dad's an alcoholic, he drinks every night and has for years and years, every so often going on a 2-3 day binge.

It's obviously caused no end of problems as he can behave terribly when he's drunk. Abusing everyone, disturbing the neighbours, ringing people and turning up at all hours, ringing the police/ambulance on himself.

10 years ago he was told that he had cirrhosis of the liver and as he still hasn't stopped I wouldn't like to imagine how bad it's got.

My mums put up with it all of our lives and enables him by going out to buy him alcohol every day, switching off the phones while he sleeps off three day hangovers. She hides alcohol, hides car keys, phones so he can't go out. A big worry we all have is that he goes out in such a state he'll get robbed or beaten up or worse.

He relies on my mum for absolutely everything, my mums attitude is that it's his house so there's nothing she can do and it's up to her to leave, but she won't leave.

I've tried to drum it into her that she doesn't have to live like this, she's got the right to live in her home without all this, that she has the right to refuse to buy him alcohol, that she has the right to call the police if he's drunk and disorderly. Because I know she won't leave, and because I know that he relies on her for everything, my theory is that her best option is to stand up to him. Refuse to allow alcohol in the house, I think that she would win because deep down he's weak and wouldn't want to end up on the streets.

She's moaned and despaired to me over this, we all bare the scars from it.

My dads brother is also an alcoholic, and recently he's been coming round 2-3 times and week, which means my dad drinks 3 times as much. Worst of all is my dad invites him round then buggers off out to the pub and leaves my mum with his brother. My mum keeps saying that he's not coming round any more, that she's going to talk to him. My mum sort of acts as a carer for the two of them as neither are capable of making so much as a sandwich for themselves.

Anyway last night I rang my mum, turns out dads brother was there again, dad out at the pub again. I asked her why she was still letting this go on as she'd said it was all stopping in the new year.

She got really defensive and said that they weren't doing any harm, how she didn't mind and dad would just come in and go straight to bed no trouble.

I ended up having a real go at her about how she's in a dream world if she thinks all this is acceptable. How she's let him ruin all our lives and still is. I told her he will probably die soon as his body can't cope much longer. I asked her if she was truly happy to which she said no.

I am just so frustrated, I know it's not her fault but it's almost as though she actively encourages him as though she enjoys the drama.

I don't know how she can bear it, I still have nightmares about living back with them and being kept up all night with his drunken behaviour when I had school or work the next day.

Sorry it's so long she's living in hell and she can't see it.

She does things at times that actively encourage it.

NYE they were invited to a party with various alcoholic relatives, she knows my dad won't leave the house without being quite intoxicated already, yet according to my dad she pushed for them to go even though he said he didn't want to. And she knows something like a party that won't end until the early hours will result in a 2-3 day binge.

That's why I get so damn mad when she complains on the phone what he's doing yet I find that she's invited his brother over.

I can only conclude that she's being very manipulated, playing the martyr. Or she's trying to finish him off.

Maybe you're right oldgrandmamma, we don't visit when he's drinking, so always in the daytime, and only stay for an hour, or we have phone calls, they never come here because they just don't want to.

Ds adores them, but has no idea what goes on, atm anyway.

I haven't even considered going n/c because I still love and care about them.

I think the reason why the OP shouted at her DM is that she complains about the situation but does nothing to change it. In fact, as you have said, she enables it to continue.

My DM is an alcoholic with late stage liver cirrhosis but my DF still has drink in the house and despite what he says, never confronts the issue with her. You have to step back and detach yourself from it as if they want to make a change, they will. There is very, very little someone from the outside can do apart from offer the perspective that this is not a normal way to live. It's their choice but if it impacts on you, you have every right to show you are frustrated and refuse to pretend it's ok.

As harsh as it may sound your DM needs to take some responsibility for it on her shoulders. Your DF is pouring the alcohol down his throat but your DM is buying it and maintaining the pretense that this is ok.

She clearly has her own role in all of this. Maybe your Dads drinking allows her to hide any issues with her problematic drinking and if she wasn't enabling/caring for him she would have to face the reality of her drinking/ life which she maybe can't handle. I dunno. Maybe she's just so used to it all she can't imagine any other life.
Either way well done for getting out and I'm sorry that it had a bad effect on your childhood. There is nothing wrong in you distancing yourself from your parents if you feel you need to. Your priority is to look after yourself. Do access some support for children/families of alcoholics - it may be extremely helpful. Wishing you well. X

Thanks diamondsareagirls,

Ceris the more I think about, I think my mum has fallen into this role of being the long suffering wife, who puts up with so much, and she is, but what is it they call it? Co-dependency? And how easy to hide your own problems behind somebody's who are so much worse.

The advice on here has been fantastic and a big relief for me to write it all down.

People are right I need to detach, I don't think I can go n/c but I can try to distance myself mentally from their problems, because they are their problems not mine.

Sorry selks not ceris.

Al Anon is for family members, get some. Help for yourself as you are the only person you have control over, and once you have help you may decide not to expose your child to the chaos that is alcoholism, take care.

Is it unreasonable to get angry about the situation? No, because watching your family and yourself suffer is distressing. Is it reasonable to get angry with your mum? Not really, no. I can understand your frustration at her approach, but in the final analysis she is likely to be suffering more than most here.

As already suggested, it's imperative that you let her know that she has your support, even if you don't always agree with her. Be there for her, no matter what.

You have every reason to be angry as she has let you down very badly too. They sound almost as bad as each other TBH. I'm surprised you really care that much about your dad father all this, I don't about mine.

I would be distancing myself and protecting my children from their dysfunctional lives nd behaviour. Not surprised you feel let down, frustrated and angry - you have every right to say how you feel.

I grew up with an alcoholic father and enabling mother. The absolutely most importantly thing I ever did was read this book:

www.amazon.co.uk/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0062554468/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1393681696&sr=8-2&keywords=codependent+no+more

I really recommend you read it. I see myself as I was in a lot of what you have written here. It was like a switch when off inside me when I read that book. I found a peace of mind I didn't know I could have.

I had an aunt like your mum, eventually she had enough, he ended up living rough, then stopped drinking and came back home.

They tick along nicely now, and she got her life back.

I understand your anger at having that kind of childhood. It's infuriating and heartbreaking.

it's imperative that you let her know that she has your support, even if you don't always agree with her. Be there for her, no matter what.

I disagree with this. Your mum does not need you to enable her the way that she enables your dad. It's just more people being sucked into the grip of addiction.

If you go nc with your parents, your mum will see that there is a consequence for her behaviour. She has choices. She is an adult and she has children. Her whole adult life, she has chosen to put her husband's addiction over everything else. Including her own children.

You owe her nothing. If anything, withdrawing support is more likely to make her see sense than anything else. Is she prepared to lose contact with her own daughter and grandchild? Probably.

She will choose to prioritise alcohol over everything. Get support for yourself OP and you will the three Cs of alcoholism; you did not cause this, you cannot control this and you cannot cure it.

All you can do is walk away from it. If your mum values you at all and wants you in her life, she will change her behaviour. If not, she won't. Sorry, but you cannot force it, she has to want it for herself.

Completely agree with what fairenuff has said and I think this is what people are sometimes too scared to say about people that live with alcoholics.