to have quite firmly told my mum no

[mymiraclebubba]

ok so i am quite prepared to be told iabu and this is probably more of a rant as dp is at work and i am sitting here stewing so i will give background and try not to drip feed.

I had PFB dd in August last year after 17 years of being told that i was infertile. From day 1 of finding out i was pregnant my mum has been a nightmare with regards to interfering and telling me what i must and mustn't do and since dd was born my mum has tried to take over on everything to give you some examples
-day i brought dd home from hospital she tried to take her away and give her a bath after i had said dp and i wanted to take her home so that we could have some quiet time together and do her first bath. Mum got really cross and huffy because 'she is my first grandchild and i want to give her her first bath'

• she will literally snatch the pushchair off me and storm off round the shop with it and when i point out that she needs to ask me before walking off with my dd she again gets very nasty about it
• i am ff due to a medical condition and because of this mum has insisted that i leave dd with her while i go shopping/see friends etc - i appreciate this is a lovely offer but mum smokes like a fricking chimney, the house stinks and dd stinks after having a cuddle with her. she refuses to change after having a fag and in spite of me pointing out the guidelines state there should be an hour between her having a fag and then holding dd to prevent secondary smoke she told me 'its all a load of bollocks so i won't be doing that'.

So the issue tonight...

DD has developed a what the HV described as temporary lactose intolerance - she says it can happen when weaning starts (no idea if this is true or not) and can be triggered if they have eaten something that disagrees with their tummy or if they have had a bit of a bug. As a result she has the most awful nappy rash that was clearing up but then yesterday started bleeding. the Dr has given me some perscription cream and told me not to use anything else. Mum has decided that vaseline is the answer and is demanding i use it on dd - i mentioned it to the HV who said she didn't think that was the answer as the skin was broken (GP agreed last night) and to only use a medicated cream like sudo to prevent infection.

I called at mum's to drop off something she had left here the other day when she popped over and had to change dd's nappy while i was there, Mum tried to snatch DD off me and proceeded to have a go at me about the state of her bum and then grabbed some vaseline out of her changing bag (mum has one set up for when i take dd there) and tried to put it on dd. I asked her not to as the Dr had prescribed cream but mum carried on so i quite sternly told her that i was not going to use it as the dr had told me not to and neither was she. Now she is in a huff with me and not speaking to me.

So am i being a PFB over this or is my mum genuinely pushing her luck?? As an aside my dsis is now pregnant and says mum has barely shown any interest, but i live close whereas she lives 2 hours away

Btw I have similiar issues with my mother...

She is openly jealous of me and expects kindness and sympathy because she's jealous! Drives me insane. It's the expectation that she just be treated with kid gloves that gets me. I'm sure alot of grandparents have moments of envy, but wouldn't dream of sharing it as if it's a good thing. They just get over it and console themselves with no broken nights etc.

My husband left me and is not involved in ds life much. My dear self obssessed mother once said to my father (Ds grandfather), screaming hysterically in a poooooor meeee kind of way, whilst I and baby Ds were in the room...

"well its alright for you (my dad), stbxh has left so you get to be important (in Ds life). Shes still here so there's no role for me at all'

The 'she' was said viciously and whilst stabbing her finger in my direction. I asked 'what about errr, grandmother, that's a great role. He needs one of those. Just as much as he needs his grand father'

She said I was cruel and selfish and hard.so I gave up and got cross, which I regret as gave her another reason to feel sorry for herself.

I said 'mum, can you listen to what you just said? Because you should think about it. You just said your glad your grandson doesn't have a daddy, and you'd be happier if his mummy wasn't around either... That's me, mum. You just wished your own daughter gone. Nice. Very nice. '

Particularly nice as my sister is dead, and she just wished away her only remaining living child. She's a fucking bitch.

Therefore I am trying not to tell you to go apeshit at your mother, as from personal experience it doesn't help! I can empathize and sympathies with the venting though :)

You dont have to fall out with her, just be firm and stick to uour guns and try not to get arsey (I know its hard)

Maybe just think of some things to say that will suite all occasions and stick to then, while ignoring her carriying on.

Yes mum but the doctor said we should only use this so this is what we are doing. (And repeat)

Yes mum but this is what the nhs website says we shoukd do it

Yes mum but Im happy having baby with me atm and there is no need for me to leave her with anyone just yet.

i know you are right wouldbemedic but believe me it is not that easy.

i do try and limit my time with her to once a week but she could try the patience of a saint! i do bite my tongue as much as possible and try to state my rules calmly but its not always successful

My mother was obsessed by bathing my first DD too. What is it with the bath?! Wanted to do it in the kitchen sink. Went on and on, enormous rows. OP YANBU. Was your mum controlling when you were growing up too?

wow miscellaneous mine almost looks lovely by comparison! that is an evil thing for her to have said, i hope to god she apologised?!

Moomins am desperately trying to do it all whilst not losing my temper but it really isn't the easiest. My anxiety disorder makes me get very edgy and she knows this and plays on it, as with miscellaneous she enjoys playing the poor hard done by gran over it all.

i am really hoping that once dsis has her baby mum will chill out and focus on her instead of me!

there is part of me that hopes that her motives are well intentioned and that she is trying to help because she doesn't want my anxiety to flare up again but i am not sure she realises she is the cause of a lot of it!

ladyharriet no not that i remember which is what makes all this so bloody irritating. She has always been the one to leave us to make our own mistakes etc, not interfere with bf's etc

Your mother is a massive controlling asshole.

Your daughter isn't benefiting by her having anything to do with her. You are not benefiting by anything to do with her.

You need to go no contact.

My God, I'd draw blood.

I think with people like this, you just need to shout at them tbh. The next time she does it tell her straight: 'I don't care what you think. You're not her parent therefore your opinion is irrelevant. You can either see the baby on my terms or not at all.' Then if she continues doing it, tell her she can't see the baby at all. She doesn't have a right - it's not her child. Obviously I think grandparents should be involved, but not if they're total idiots.

My MIL was like this. I completely stopped telling her ANYTHING about DD. I didn't share her feeds, her sleeps or talk about one thing to do with her. I still visited...but if MIL tried to draw me on her feeding or bathing or anything I just changed the subject or said "Ooh must go to the loo! She stopped as she had NO fodder...no ammo...

My M is similar - clash of the mothers I called it. I felt like she could not stand that I was the mother of this PFB - GC and did not think me remotely worthy or capable. She undermined me constantly and as I was a lone parent she was able to control and manipulate. She saw DS as HERS!

Arms length at all times. I joked once that she'd prefer it if I was out of the way so she could raise DS, and she had a flicker across her face that said "absolutely"

thank you ladies for sharing your nightmare dm/dmil stories with me, it is nice to know i am not the only one dealing with this crazy situation.

Your advice is great and i will definitely attempting to implement some of the distancing strategies and trying not to kill lose my temper with her in the meantime

Don't even know where to start with how much YANBU
Just the smoking bit for a start would've been enough for me - then vaseline over sudo for nappy rash?! It's nappy rash not chapped lips :/
The first bath bit made me shudder too.

Unfortunately sometimes (and I know from experience) certain family members like each other more the less they see each other.

Hopefully your dsis will have a sprog soon and your mum can transfer her, erm, 'attentions' to her?

falulah yup my dsis and i get on fine as long as we don't actually have to see a lot of each other (she is a carbon copy of mum)

i was genuinely expecting to be told i was being supremely PFB and completely unreasonable so am quite shocked at unianimous agreement that i am not

Just stop seeing her. Every time you see her and she refuses to listen to you or show you respect, end the visit. "Mum, I told you X once. This visit is over. We will try again when you can be respectful." When you warn her, "Mum, do not do X. If you do this again, the visit is over."

I can't believe it crossed your mind that you might have been being unreasonable! That shows how beaten down by her you are.

One of the best things about having a baby is that it's your baby. You get to make the decisions. She's your daughter.

My mum said things like "in my day, we did it this way, but I'm sure that things have changed in 30 years" which they have.

I wouldn't get into the habit of letting her have her when you go to the shops. It's not going to help overall as the relationship is not healthy. I emigrated so I had no help at all. I took my dds everywhere. Dentist, jeans shopping the lot.

She sounds spectacularly exhausting. I'm worn out just reading about her antics. Yadnu.

Huge congratulations on your baby.

Wow. I wouldn't have anything to do with mum if she behaved like miracle's or miscellaneous's. just appalling

Oh and yanbu. There's no way I would leave my child with her, ever

As a Grandmother of 5 beautiful GC's I totally agree with everyone here your Mum is being very controlling and needs to stop before things blow up big time.

If one of my DC's is doing something that I feel is not what I consider the best thing to do with their DC's I normally say "Have you thought about trying this, I found it very helpful when you were young, because"..... and give what is in my opinion a good valid reason... Then they can make an informed choice as to whether to use my advice or not. I definitely do not hold it against them if they choose what is in my opinion the wrong choice but do respect their right to do so.

I personally do not agree with some of the guidelines preached and feel that a quite a few are well over the top, but that is my humble opinion.

I would show your Mum this thread tbh........

I understand about the tricky financial situation with your dad but please please start to spend a lot less time with your mother. If needs be, and as some people are saying, going no contact is an option, this scenarios sounds serious enough. You could make arrangements to see your dad separately perhaps.

I bet your anxiety issues would improve tremendously. Good luck toyou.

Let's see. There is a woman who is a secondary, occasional caregiver to your DD, who undermines your parenting, criticises your parenting choices, tries to usurp your role as DD's mum, makes you feel judged, and generally has no boundaries where your child is concerned. and

Yep. That person is completely unreasonable and well out of line. I'm not surprised you say you want to "exclude her from your life" or keep your child well away from her.

That person must be contributing greatly to your anxiety, and as you say, ruining your experience of motherhood.

Anyone who would do this is pretty awful, I agree.

I can't add much more about your mum, think everyone e
we has pretty much got it covered but just wanted to say that the same happened with my ds2 (blood in nappy etc)
Gp referred us to consultant at the hospital who said the same (temporary lactose intolerance) gave him some lactulose and kept an eye on it, it lasted about 6 weeks and then cleared up.
Just wanted to give you some reassurance in case that was adding to your anxiety, congratulations on your dd

Oh, and the consultant said to avoid banana for the time being, if that might help

I would seriously consider telling her that if she doesn't stop trying to take control then you will have no choice but to significantly reduce contact with her as it is making you stressed and unhappy. explain that you are excited about being a first time Mum and need space and support - not criticism and bossiness.

I would also try to ensure the contact is either in your own home or possibly a neutral space (eg. a cafe) to give yourself a natural upper hand.

YANBU, and I'd enjoy the peace and stay well away from her.

I think you said your sister and mum are very alike, I wonder if this is why your mum isn't trying to muscle in on your sister's pregnancy, would your sister just tell her where to go?

Well mum is babysitting tomorrow night (been arranged for months so can't really change it now) so we shall see how it goes.

I am really hoping that dd goes down early so she doesn't have to go near her.

Mum has her plus points - I had to take dsd to a rock climbing night with scouts in Wednesday and mum babysat dd and dsd but as they were both in bed she did all my ironing - and there was a lot but you guys are right she is in need of telling.

She had to be told for overruling dp where his kids are concerned a few months back - they call her granny another request so that my dd doesn't grow up thinking it's odd they call her by her name - but it means she rolls out the "oh leave them it's ok they are at granny's house" bollocks. Dp tried to drop hints which went right over her head so he asked me to say something which went down like a lead balloon but she has reluctantly adhered to so maybe I just need to bite the proverbial bullet and tell her straight!