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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not take DSs toy dinosaur away even though CM has asked me to?

72 replies

HarderToKidnap · 28/02/2014 08:06

DS is 2.2, and one of life's thugs. He had been through phases of biting, hitting, pushing etc etc starting from about 18 months. We've managed all these phases and attempts at violence are now minimal but it's always a bit edgy and I have to helicopter him constantly! He loves other toddlers, until he doesn't and has problems sharing and all that.

He has a toy dinosaur he ADORES, called Reg. It's a schleich, so pretty heavy duty and quite big. It's a comfort toy and he holds it pretty much all day. He uses Reg to roar at people and Reg is also pretty much constantly attacking and trying to eat everything. As I type Reg is attacking the sofa in a pretty serious way. Sadly Reg has begun to roar in other toddlers faces and clonking them (accidentally). This happened yesterday for the first time at the CM. This is making them cry and CM yesterday suggested that we get rid of Reg altogether.

I'm happy not to send Reg along to CMs and will be keeping a v close eye later today when we have toddler visitors and removing Reg if clonking looks likely. But the thought of taking Reg away forever is breaking my heart. DS just loves him and they do everything together, they eat together, he bathes him, they are best mates. He works a lot of stuff out using him, so Reg will bite something and then DS tells him off etc. I don't really want to take Reg away forever and equally if it's just us here I'm happy for DS and Reg to attack things and roar loudly, it's a way of letting off steam. But will this be confusing for DS, allowed to go beserk with Reg in private but have to be gentle with him (or lose him, which will no doubt cause endless tantrums) in public? What's best to do?

OP posts:

mycatoscar · 28/02/2014 08:10

At age 2 most children are able to understand simple consequences.

If he upsets other children with reg, reg gets taken away. Simple.

bodybooboo · 28/02/2014 08:13

personally I would let him have Reg in private and at home but if you have visitors or you leave the house Reg stays upstairs.

he's only 2.2 so you don't be needing to take comforts off him. just have rules. sounds like you are doing a god job.

is the CM coping with him other than 'Reg gate'

wonderingsoul · 28/02/2014 08:13

if he hadnt have gone through thouse phases.. would the cm still have suggested it?

to me.. clunking some one by accideant is just normally child behaviour. so i would say ynbu, but tell the cm she take reg of him for a littl ebit if he keeps roaring in other childrens face?

and i love the name reg.. your son sounds adorable.

TheListingAttic · 28/02/2014 08:14

Reg stays at home. You don't need to get rid of him, but in home only - not at CM's or anywhere else in public - should be easy to understand. If he's using him to work stuff out could you even suggest Reg has to stay home because he's sometimes too rough and we need to behave better in public?

Morloth · 28/02/2014 08:14

I think Reg should stay at home at all times (quite apart from anything else, losing him would be painful.

And if Reg is involved with the naughtiness then he gets taken away.

But no, I wouldn't take away a comfort toy. That would just be mean, he is still a baby.

They understand different rules for different places just fine IME.

littleballerina · 28/02/2014 08:14

I think take it away as a consequence immediately after its bitten someone but he also needs to see that he can get it back.
The cm can't say take it away forever. Maybe just don't take it to the cms

bodybooboo · 28/02/2014 08:15

oh another tack. could Reg 'talk' to your ds about his behaviour I.e you develop a voice for Reg that tells your ds he has to be more gentle etc or Reg has to go upstairs by himself?

Marcipex · 28/02/2014 08:16

Of course you mustn't bin Reg!
It's perfectly reasonable to keep him at home and not send him to CM, of course she doesn't want her other mindees roared at and clonked.

To want you to bin a favourite toy at home is quite different, way beyond her remit, and more than a bit harsh.

bodybooboo · 28/02/2014 08:18

to add I was a cm and can see her point that if the others are being hit by Reg then she's the one facing the other parents and after all it is a business and she could loose mindees.

keep Reg at home.

TheTerribleBaroness · 28/02/2014 08:19

Who is your child minder to tell you what to do with your child's toys?! Fair enough if she asks you not to send Reg to nursery but it's not up to her to dictate what you do at home.

I totally agree with the above poster. If Reg hurts or looks likely to hurt another child, he gets confiscated and given a time out on top of the kitchen cupboard. DS will learn very quickly. I think "confiscated" was one if my DS' first words and still, at four, the only thing that really works. :)

bodybooboo · 28/02/2014 08:19

sure she didn't mean chuck

OwlCapone · 28/02/2014 08:19

If he is being "aggressive" towards other children with Reg then Reg should stay at home - it's not fair on the other children if they are being made to cry. I see no reason to take him away completely though, that would just be mean.

bodybooboo · 28/02/2014 08:19

chuck

bodybooboo · 28/02/2014 08:19

bloody phone!! didn't mean chucking him away for good.

Northernlurker · 28/02/2014 08:20

I don't think it's simple at all!

OP - you clearly 'get' your son. SOunds like he's very physical and possibly quite a big 2.2 yr old but emotionally he's younger? I've seen so many little boys like that in my time as a mother and it's really hard for caregivers because other people expect them to be older than they are.
I am unimpressed the CM wants to keep Reg out of her house. He clearly has a role in helping ds work through situations and as a comfort. Take that away when he's there and then she'll find herself with some real problems because your ds is very young and lacking his security toy he is going to act out that fear and frustration in some way.

However neither can he be scaring the other kids witless I think I would go down the routes of trying to distract him when Reg is in danger of roaring in public, lots of praise of calm behaviour, plenty of time for Reg and ds to run riot outside and possible (the CM will hate this) a couple of smaller dinos that need Reg to look after them. If Reg tries to eat them then they go away. Reg is important, you need to work with Reg not against him

I can't believe I've just typed that.................three kids and 6 nieces/nephews/godchild and sister means you know what personality these toys have.

evertonmint · 28/02/2014 08:21

I think the fact that he uses Reg to play-act the discipline he is hearing is a good thing as it means he is taking in what he is being told abd trying to process it, so I wouldn't remove Reg entirely. As others have said, I'd try no Reg at CM, well-behaved Reg with other children (with removal for poor behaviour) and then roaring Reg when it's just him and Reg. Could you also think about introducing a soft, cuddly Reg for the CM if you think he needs a comfort toy that is less likely to injure anyone?

Good luck! My 3yo baths her Schleich dinosaurs every night. They're great toys :)

PseudoBadger · 28/02/2014 08:21

My 3 year old DS took his dinosaur to the CM yesterday. He also likes to roar at people... I told the CM that if the dinosaur misbehaved she should put him away and we'd take him home at home time. As it turns out he was impeccably behaved (dinosaur not DS :o ) but if he had misbehaved he wouldn't be taken back to the CM.

Original poster

HarderToKidnap · 28/02/2014 08:21

CM is coping fine with him, of course he behaves like a bloody angel there! Just the clonking incident, after the first one she took his aside and explained everything, he repeated it back and agreed etc, then went and did it again so she took it away. She's super hot on behaviour so I think this is why she's suggested it, she also knows we've had some trials with him so I think may have gone more into advice mode. He seems very habit forming, he is just addicted to Reg and needs him even more in public when he feels a bit insecure or worried. No interest in soft toys, it would be great if I could get him addicted to one of them!

OP posts:

LingDiLong · 28/02/2014 08:22

Are you sure she meant get rid of Reg altogether? I can't imagine suggesting something like that to my mindees parents, it would feel like none of my business. Definitely stop Reg from going to the CM though, I can see he must be a nightmare if there are other kids getting roared at!

MyNameIsKenAdams · 28/02/2014 08:24

My dd (also 2.2) has a soft toy she takes everywhere. However we have begun (since Christmas) restroctong it to naps, bedtime and travel in the car. At all other times soft toy gets put away "so the other children dont steal him".

She seems to be ok with it. Maybe now.is the time to start keeping Reg for times of comfort.

OwlCapone · 28/02/2014 08:25

Maybe Reg can sit on a shelf and watch DS at the childminders? As he is a heavy hard toy, I don't think scenarios where he is being shoved in the faces of other small children is a good idea.

Marcipex · 28/02/2014 08:26

Use Reg as a force for good! Remember, with great power comes great responsibility....

Spickle · 28/02/2014 08:26

Your DS sounds as though he needs to learn that actions have consequences.

If he uses Reg as a weapon towards others (or the sofa!), Reg has to be taken away. If he uses Reg as a comforter/toy, then Reg gets to stay. But you have to follow through every time, no backing down just because DS is about to have a tantrum.

Perhaps if your CM could also follow this plan, then Reg might not have to be removed permanently.

However, it might not be a bad idea to leave Reg at home when your DS is at the childminders anyway. When DS goes to pre-school/school, it is likely he won't be allowed his favourite toy there (pre-schools often let children bring toys, but then put them in a "safe" place until home time), so it might be a good idea to break the habit long before this becomes a major problem.

Original poster

HarderToKidnap · 28/02/2014 08:27

Oh cross posts with loads of great advice, thank you!! Northern, you are spot on with your description apart from DS is tiny and looks like an actual angel. I'm sure that's why we still have friends, people see this gorgeous tiny child hit their brute with a truck and think they've hallucinated and dismiss it.

I AM really worried about him going to CM without Reg, but I think he will just probably pick up something else to hold for that day, and that will roar at people instead.

OP posts:

OwlCapone · 28/02/2014 08:27

The CM has to consider the needs of her other mindees, not just he OPs DS. That's where it becomes tricky I think. He needs Reg, they need to not have him shoved at them in a manner that scares them.

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