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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hope my husband doesn't get a promotion

22 replies

ilovemulberry · 27/02/2014 14:16

I have been with my husband for 15 years (met at school) we married 2 years ago and have a 5 month old baby. 2 weeks ago I found out he was seeing a younger women that he works with, this is so out of character for him, no one believed me when I told them. I am not making excuses but he has been a habitual weed smoker
since I met him he stopped when our baby was born, I have been more than supportive, he's had trouble sleeping and 'being himself' any way apparently it went on for a month, texting and a few kisses (no sleeping together so I'm told) he now realises his mistake and knows what he wants, says he lost himself for a short while but begged for forgiveness, he isn't living at home, I'm so angry with him for allowing this to happen!! A lot of people are putting it down to stopping his bad habit but I can't just blame that, we are trying to work through it.

But now he has been offered an interview in the same company for a management position the OW team, currently he is out in the field and not in the office often so I could just about cope. I have helped him with his application and interview techniques, he isn't a very confident person so I'm totally torn. I want him to do well, of course I do, but I can't help hope he doesn't get it. I don't think I could cope with that proximity. I haven't mentioned how i feel about it, i thought it would be best to wait and see how it goes. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 27/02/2014 14:19

YANBU

I would be wanting him to apply for a job with another company where the OW doesn't work.

diddl · 27/02/2014 14:28

It shouldn't matter though.

If he wants an affair with her he will.

Bearbehind · 27/02/2014 14:41

You can't stop him coming into contact with other women whatever job he does.

You can't dictate what jobs he does and doesn't apply for. You either have to decide to trust him or end it.

NatashaBee · 27/02/2014 14:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/02/2014 14:59

Sorry OP. He managed to 'see this woman' in spite of not being in the team. What difference would it make if he were on the team?

He has to stop it for himself - and mean it - and that's the only way it will stop. He needs to know what he stands to lose. If you think you want to give him another chance then he needs to show you that he's sorry and is worthy of it. A promotion may be useful for you and your child if you need to split at some point but what do YOU need him to do and is he prepared to do it?

Suicidal5833 · 27/02/2014 15:09

I'm very torn on this on one hand if he is gonna cheat he will regardless of job. But on the other I wouldn't like them working so close together so soon.

DomesticDisgrace · 27/02/2014 15:10

YANBU!!
Frankly I can't believe how reasonable people claim to be. No way, I'd be shocked that he even went for it and his bags would be packed.

Timetoask · 27/02/2014 15:15

YANBU. I would ask him not to apply to this position. I am sure some people will disagree and say that if you cannot trust him then you should divorce yada yada yada, but you need to be honest about the situation.
You want your marriage to work, you don't want him in any close proximity to this woman.

Imnotmadeofeyes · 27/02/2014 15:16

Yanbu, but that comes with the fact your trust in him has been so thoroughly broken.

I don't think I would tell my dp to leave a job in that situation, but truthfully I would expect him to be putting the effort into either leaving or making sure there was as much difference as possible between him and the ow.

How he chose to behave all round would be my indicator of how much he actually understood my feelings and accepted what he'd done....

I think what I'm trying to say is the fact he's even considering a move that'll put him in closet proximity to this
woman is a massive hint towards how he perceives the situation in general. Either he truely doesn't think it's as big of a deal as you do or he thinks he can resist temptation where he couldn't before.

Work on the presumption you can't change someone and where does that leave you?

JeanSeberg · 27/02/2014 15:30

Agreed it has to come from him. If he was so keen to make your marriage work though wouldn't he be doing everything he could to reassure, including keeping well way from this woman?

JeanSeberg · 27/02/2014 15:31

And yes of course he could cheat with anyone - but why would he want you to feel like shite every time he goes to work with this particular woman?

WorraLiberty · 27/02/2014 15:34

If you're not making excuses for him, why mention the week smoking at all?

I can't see that it has anything to do with this whatsoever.

ReadyToPopAndFresh · 27/02/2014 15:38

YANBU,

JoinYourPlayfellows · 27/02/2014 15:43

If you're not making excuses for him, why mention the week smoking at all?

Presumably because every other fucker she knows is trying to convince her to overlook his affair by making this completely lame excuse for him.

You would be an idiot to trust a man who has just had an affair you are still trying to work through.

He's not trustworthy in the least. It's highly likely you still don't know the full extent of his affair.

I think you need to decide which is worth more to you, the extra money he'd have to pay you if you split up or your marriage intact.

I'd be inclined, given that he thinks taking this job is OK, to for the money.

WorraLiberty · 27/02/2014 15:58

Damn you playfellows if you're going to quote me, please correct my embarrassing typo

JoinYourPlayfellows · 27/02/2014 16:02

Ha ha, I didn't even notice it until now

I was just reading it going "all those words are spelled right, what's she on about?"

Original poster

ilovemulberry · 27/02/2014 16:03

It's not about the money for me. I'm so mad at myself that I still want him to do well in his career. I believe he is sorry and knows what he has done, I agree he doesn't know the effect loss of trust has.

I mentioned the smoking but I also said I can't blame this no matter what people tell me.

I'm still very shocked to be honest. I do think if he is going to do it again he will whether he worked there or not. He didn't think he would get the job but wanted to show willing for future positions. I just hope that he doesn't get it, it's not what our marriage needs to survive. His family also seem to think kissing and texting isn't an affair!!! Think I'm overreacting! God it's so hard! I still hate him for doing this but believe we can get through it eventually !

OP posts:

ReadyToPopAndFresh · 27/02/2014 16:08

I bet they would think it was cheating if you did it Op!

Original poster

ilovemulberry · 27/02/2014 16:11

Of course they would! A weeks passed and not one of them called to even check how baby was!! Further texts have been ignored until I'm less angry!

OP posts:

Imnotmadeofeyes · 27/02/2014 16:12

It's not for anyone else to decide what boundaries, morals and actions are acceptable to you in any of your relationships. Helping you work through it to reach your own conclusion is fine, but your the one who has to live inside your head so you're the one who gets to decide what is acceptable and let's you live in peace.

Deal breakers are really individual things, an do they hinge directly on the circumstances of the people involved. If you couldn't deal emotionally with him wearing navy socks you're within your rights to deliver an ultimatum. Yes it would seem daft to the outside world, but they don't have to live with it.

I really do hope however your marriage plays out that it means you get to a point where your life isn't something you have to keep dealing with. Life's too short to make compromises that don't result in you actually being happy and secure.

JeanSeberg · 27/02/2014 19:32

I'm sure you don't really believe it was just kissing and texting op.

Bearbehind · 27/02/2014 19:41

I agree jeanseberg.

The job is a red herring, he has played away, there will be other opportunities to do so even if it isn't with the same woman and the OP needs to decide if she can trust him not to succumb to temptation or not.

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