To want to poke my 19 yr old son repeatedly in the eye with a pointy stick

[frumpet]

Need to vent on here because my fingers are twitching ! I am really starting to lose the plot with my son . He left school after mucking up his AS levels twice and school asking him to leave . Since then he has worked for about 3 months , then was unemployed for nearly six months , got a 16 hrs a week job and has mucked that up too so is now unemployed again . I sorted out an interview for a local part time job , just to see him through until he can find something else and guess what ? he cannot be bothered to get out of bed to walk 2 minutes down the road , aaaaaargh !

Frumpet you sound like my sis too kind and too helpful. She would go knocking retail units with him too for a weekend job. It doesn't help he doesn't look independent and confident.

He sounds just like my nephew say he has to get his own flat, after a week of that he'll be begging to come back home and sort himself out, or he will actually sort himself out and stay put in own flat.

We have a saying in my culture there will come a time when children will become the masters of their parents. This time is now.

my parents generation would take all kids earnings from weekend jobs. I didn't agree with that. But now I agree partially and adult child living with you should have a job part time if studying full time if not, and they should pay something towards up keep, so they realise the worth of money. today a lot of older kids live with parents don't lift a finger and don't pay a penny towards anything, makes for selfish human beings.

I speak from experience none of my siblings are caring for my dad yet they live in his home rent free bill free , and they are fully grown men. Youngest is your sons age. I can't take him I've got in law, can't deal with another dimentia patient unless she is taken by another family member.

I won't be that parent I'll kick my child out first, if it means it knocks some sense into them. Don't be a doormat.

I hope he gets work soon and looks hard for one. Good luck!

Same experience with my DParents as HellTTN - up early, Job Centre twice a week, local paper every week and at least 5 spec phone calls or letters to local companies chasing work. And plenty of housework. It took me about 5 weeks to get a job.

Don't feel guilty - he has to start taking some kind of responsibility for himself at some point.

OP: I think you can squeeze him financially and be absolutely unequivocal that he needs to get a job like a man and not let you down.

This is why having to do ongoing summer jobs and Saturday jobs for the stuff they want, is such a good thing when they are younger.

When I was 21, my parents gave me a month to find a job or start paying rent. I had been looking for a job, but was depressed so not very actively, and am crap still am at interviews and they were tired of me sitting on my bed.

I found a job and moved to Germany. When that contract ended, I moved to the UK not British and have been here 10 years. Sometimes I wonder if this was not quite what they intended.

Does that mean they have space at their's then whatsagood ?

I should think a long list of household tasks to do with no TV or internet access (just swipe the cables on your way out the door) should focus his mind slightly.
He either gets a job or returns to some form of training or education. It's now March so he has time to line up college courses for September and NEETS stuff for the rest of the year, as well as finding some part-time or voluntary work. Jeez - he could even go off and be an au pair.

OP I can sympathise, I had plenty of 'talks' with my DS same age. My DH wouldn't let him sign on because he didn't want him getting into a rut of receiving money for doing nowt. He was in and out of courses and jobs and 'training' that never earned him a penny. The last straw was when I said 'just sign on'! From that day, the job seekers lot were onto him like a ton of bricks. He had several good apprenticeship interviews and luckily he got one. It doesn't pay great but he is in a good routine and doesn't ask me for money anymore. He is happier now too.

I have told him to look at the apprenticship website . I do not expect him to suddenly have a lightbulb moment and know exactly how he is going to plan the rest of his life , but i do think that getting up and doing something is essential to a happy life .

You can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink. I have had this situation with young people who I have assisted in looking for work. You know it's not quite right when you feel more excited and nervous about the job interviews than they do!

Keep encouraging him and advising some of it might go in. Charge him rent and draw up a list of jobs that he must do, make sure you include the weekly shop in that list so he can see that things cost money. If he is the one at home he can do all the housework, gardening, cook the evening meal etc. The busier you are the more motivated you become.

Just stop providing him with anything that costs, such as Internet, home phone, snacks, "pocket money" etc. If he wants any kind of life, he will need to get off his arse and provide for himself. I had been paying some rent for 3 years by his age and certainly was paying for my own social life and looking for my own career. If he is signing on, you need to deduct an amount for rent/housekeeping and start getting him to take responsibility for his own life.

Remove keys, deposit on the outside of the front door at 8.30 each morning with pen, paper, and sandwich if you are feeling kind.

Job Centre, library etc etc will keep him warm for the day.

Let him back in at whatever time you get home from WORK!

Stop helping him be one of those things MNers call men who live with women for nothing..... he needs to wake up. He may well be disappointed with himself, but you shouldn't be paying for it.

God almighty.... I left home at 17 and have been self supporting ever since. But I know that bedsits simply aren't acceptable these days

how he is going to plan the rest of his life

I wonder how many of us are actually doing what we planned ? It's my guess that many if not most of us have had opportunities and set backs that we haven't planned for. One thing is certain; he won't get a job while lying in bed.

Well he is finally up , printing off his CV to take into a place that he knows are looking for staff as a friend works there and someone was sacked yesterday .
He was definately happier when he was working full-time , much less sloth like .
He says he would like to go to Uni in the future , but only when he knows what he wants to do , says there is no point getting into debt unless you are going to be able to do something worthwhile at the end of it .

There but for the grace of God go I, frumpet.

I understand your feelings of guilt (even though you did nothing wrong) but do do let them go. What happened in his childhood happened and I am sure you always did what you thought was best, so forget about it. I have two friends whose grown sons, one turned 40 this year, have managed to play on their feelings of guilt and refuse to take responsibility for their own lives.

To be fair, he's got a point about the debt. As long as he isn't growing spiders webs while he waits for the light bulb moment