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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Depressed about baby name regret - to late to change it at 4 months old?

60 replies

Londonmummy123 · 26/02/2014 16:43

Hello, I have a gorgeous baby boy who is nearly 4 months old and I spend most of my time obsessing about the name and feeling that we did not get it right. I feel quite depressed a lot of the time and find myself crying a lot, and wish we had called him something else instead. Some days I feel a bit better about it, having tried very hard to convince myself that it is ok and that I can move on, but eventually the feelings always come back and I find myself feeling down about it again.

My family believe it is just about the baby blues and that I should try and get more rest and see a doctor that I will start to feel better. But I cannot help but feel that it is the name that is making me feel like this. There is another name that I wish we had chosen, but we did not pick that at the time for a reason which I now realise is not important. The name that we did chose after he was born was never one that I loved but I couldn't think of anything better. The older my baby gets the worse it becomes as he is becoming more and more beautiful and he deserves to have a name that mummy loves. He has a very traditional name (which is what we wanted) so nothing unusual, but it just doesn't seem to fit him.

I am very lucky to have a supportive husband who is happy to change the name if I want, but I am worried about the reaction of others. On the other hand I do not want to feel like this forever and regret not taking action before it is too late.
I am seeing a doctor tomorrow as I I think I may have pnd, and don't want to make a rash decision.

I wondered if anyone else had experienced this, and if they had chnaged their babies name? Xx

OP posts:

HadABadDay2014 · 26/02/2014 19:08

Change it if it will make you happy, he will have no knowledge of his original name.

Alisvolatpropiis · 26/02/2014 19:19

Change it if you're sure it will make you feel better.

If you didn't mind me asking, what is the name and what are you thinking of changing it to?

Petitgrain · 26/02/2014 19:26

I change my baby's name at 12 months, I'd always been sad that my DP hadn't agreed to the name I wanted and the feeling just got stronger. One day I just decided, prompted by a friend who was exasperated by my moaning about it! Phoned my parents and told them I was changing it, they were pleased, let my DP know when he got in from work! He was a bit shocked but I remained immovable and he soon adapted. Just as well I did, the arsehole was having an affair and left us for the OW when baby was 18 months. I never would have forgiven myself if I hadn't gone with my heart.

Original poster

Londonmummy123 · 26/02/2014 23:46

Thanks so much for your replies everyone it really helps x it's such a big decision and I know that OH would change the name to make me happy, but I'm aware it would be difficult for him which makes it tricky. I think that's the most difficult thing about it as I want him to be totally happy with it too. At least we are discussing it though and I am seeing the doc tomorrow, instead of bottling it up..

OP posts:

WaitMonkey · 27/02/2014 00:04

Good luck with everything.

SelectAUserName · 27/02/2014 03:45

Good luck with your appointment OP.

Would it help to show your DH this thread?

Sunnysummer · 27/02/2014 04:01

Absolutely not too late to change, 4 months probably feels like forever to you right now, but it's really not at all. Naming a person is a big responsibility, it's much odder to me when people DON'T seem worried about it!

Separately, it does sound like it's worth seeing a doctor. Even if you may not have full-blown PND (or you may, but we certainly can't diagnose on the basis of a thread), the sleep deprivation and huge life change can leave anyone feeling a bit wobbly, and a chat might help you pinpoint the cause of your unhappiness, and get you on the way to feeling better.

I never loved the name we eventually gave DS, it took weeks after he was born and it was really the only name left after we'd both eliminated our vetoes. It took nearly 5 months before I could really call him by it, but now at nearly a year it's just who he is, and when I hear the name I no longer think of anything but his funny little face

Perhaps go to the doctor and call DS by the other name for a week, see how you feel after you've done both things? Hope you feel better soon

GoodnessKnows · 27/02/2014 04:44

Did someone say something or react in a way that made you second think the name? If not, change it

lucy101 · 27/02/2014 04:58

Lots of good advice above. You might well have PND which is making everything seem worse but until 1 year it is super easy to change the name. DH and I made a final decision the night before the 1 year was up! Why don't you try out the new name and see how you feel. You have plenty of time to change it (and shouldn't be worrying what others think). I hope you feel better.

coralanne · 27/02/2014 05:09

It's not too late to change it if you really want to. My BIL decided that their DD didn't "Look"like her name at 3 months so changed it. He did change it to her second name. The only time she had a slight problem was when she applied for her first passport.

Newgoldheelsrock · 27/02/2014 05:10

It sounds as though you've got PND which manifests itself in so many ways.

Maybe have a chat with Dr & see what you want to do after that.

Also talk to friends- I wish I'd talked to more friends when I had depression. You need a big support network and you'll find a good few of them will have had it. But even close friends, you'll never know how bad it was for them until you ask advice and they are truthful. Many people don't like to talk to others during it as they think they could or should be getting on with it.

Good luck.

kmc1111 · 27/02/2014 05:17

I had regrets over one of my DC's names, but the extent of it was occasionally thinking 'why the hell did I decide to call them that'? If you're obsessing over it, crying over it and attributing feelings of depression to the choice of name, that would clearly signal to me that there's something much deeper going on.

I think the idea of using the preferred name for a few months then changing it if it's made a difference to you is a good one.

Original poster

Londonmummy123 · 27/02/2014 15:43

Thanks again for all your supportive messages :)

I went to see my GP today and she has given me some pills to take for PND. I explained about the name issue and she said that it was perfectly understandable to feel that way and that I should definitely change it if I want to. She was very reassuring and I felt a bit better already. Just need to talk it through with OH and take the pills for a bit I think to get myself in a better frame of mind. Just feels nice to know there could be light at the end of the tunnel.

For anyone else out there who is suffering the same feelings it definitely helps to talk and be honest about things! Xx

OP posts:

NewtRipley · 27/02/2014 15:48

Oh good OP.

As you say, it's a relief sometimes to just tell someone how crap you feel. All the best

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 27/02/2014 15:56

I'm glad that you are feeling happier now that you are getting the help you need. I'll not pretend to have any experience with PND, but I do have a 13 year old that I struggled to find a name for and I don't feel his name is right for him. I wish that I had changed it years ago, but 13 is a bit late!

NewtRipley · 27/02/2014 15:59

Billy

I wish I'd chosen another name (his second name) for DS2. He's 10. But he likes his name, so...

judyandthedreamofdonkeys · 27/02/2014 16:11

glad you've seen your gp and are feeling a bit better op.

you do have until your baby is 12months old to change their name you just book an appointment with the registrar in fact even after 12months you can still change it by deed poll but before 12months you can change it on the actual birth certificate.

I've got 2dc and i remember with my first it took me weeks to get used to his name and wonder if we should have called him something else. Tbh i think i was just second guessing everything i was doing as i was lacking confidence in my mum skills With my 2dc i chose a more unusual name and i had a friend actually tell me she didnt like her name by text when i sent a text to family and friends after having her which made me wonder if id made a bad choice but since then everyone I've met comments on how its such a pretty name. One of my other friends who lives miles away from us so we dont see often asked if she could have it too...so im happy u didnt rush into any rash decisions with either of mine.

If you really dont like the name dont rush into changing it legally as you have a while yet. Just you and your dh start calling your ds the new name then get family members to as well. If any strangers ask his name give a mixture of both names see which one feels 'right' to you and your dh....one of them will feel more right than the other then decide from there you might just be second guessing yourself and just need time to get used to the name ds has..its harder than you think it will be choosing a name or at least it was for me

NewtRipley · 27/02/2014 16:43

I've got a little theory about names of first babies (bear with me). Often we choose them before the baby is born, and we have a lot invested in that name. In a way the name is part of the fantasy of what the baby will be like. Then the baby is born and nothing is as we imagined - they might not look like what we thought, the birth may have not gone to plan, we don't feel as we thought (hoped) we'd feel., and the name is part of that, but it's hard to let go of it.

So I think there's something to be said for having a selection of names, or waiting a bit to meet the baby before naming it.

woodrunner · 27/02/2014 16:48

A friend of mine changed her baby's name at six months. She said it never felt quite right. I think there's no problem up to a year. The baby is 18 now and really suits the new name. Other people might raise eyebrows but it's very important to you and it's also important that you change it soon before the baby recognises the name. Could you do a naming party or a christening so that people who had got used to the old name have a memorable occasion to mark the new one?

If this is the only thing that is making you sad, it's unlikely to be baby blues. But if lots of things trigger tears and despair, it's worth seeing the GP.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 27/02/2014 16:53

I definitely think you could change his name, and am glad your DP agrees and is supportive.
Then you could just tell people you thought the other name didn't suit him so much and he was just more of a Y (than an X)
Perhaps taking action and changing the name may give you a bit of a lift. Sorry if you are also struggling with PND. I think I also had that somewhat with DC2, though didn't get a diagnosis, just ploughed through!

RescueCack · 27/02/2014 16:57

Do it. I regret SO much not changing DD2s name at about 2 months. We'd only JUST registered her name because I really wasn't sure at all about it, when I heard the name I just knew was right for her. Got mocked by my family and didn't do it. Why oh why didn't I ignore them?!?! She would suit the other name so well, but at 5 it feels like a strange thing to do. And DH wouldn't go for it at this age. I asked her just now how she would feel if we called her something else and she started coming up with terrible suggestions of her own, so I guess we won't go there

Quoteunquote · 27/02/2014 17:54

Just stick the name you do like on the front of his name, so you are not changing it, he is just gaining another, the one you are using now can become an extra middle name.

nosleeptillbedtime · 27/02/2014 18:00

We changed our son's name at this age, maybe a bit older. People were interested in this and no one was mean in the least. In fact a couple of mums said hat they too were uncertain about their dc's name. Some told me of friends who had done the same. To me it seems a no brainier to change a name one is unhappy with, so please don't worry about it. I use it as a conversation opener with mums I have just met now so it has turned out quite handy!

AlbertsJoy · 27/02/2014 19:01

My dh and I didn't agree on names and for the sake of peace, and because I was weak from giving birth, I let him push me into choosing names for my dd's I wasn't really happy with. I've got used to their names over the years but still think to this day that I would have preferred them to have the names I had chosen. They are both married with dc's of their own now, and still I look at them (especially the eldest) and think how much the names I wanted would suit them! So change the name if it will make you happier, but also try to get help if you think you have pnd.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 27/02/2014 19:24

You should just go and change the name tomorrow. Fuck what anyone else thinks. Good luck.

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