To say no to this meal

[lottie82]

First off this is kind of long, so apologies in advance.....

I'm getting married to my partner of 4 years in July. We only decided and booked a couple of weeks ago, so it's all been pretty quick in that sense.

Anyway, my parents split up when I was 5 (27 years ago) and divorced shortly afterwards. My Mum says my Dad had an affair, he has always denied this, tbh I think he prob did, but I'm not bothered, my Mum can be hard work and they are VERY different people, but despite their individual faults (like everyone has) they have both been good parents. Even if he didn't have an affair, I am under no illusion that they would still be together now.

My Mum really hates my Dads guts, I can't mention him without her making a comment about him or his current wife. Most of the time it's in a "jokey" manner but it really upsets me and just makes me cringe. The only person she is making look bad is herself.
I appreciate that yes, my Dad prob did do wrong by her, but everything isn't always black and white, plus it was almost 30 years ago. He is still my Dad and I wonder how my Mum would feel if every time she mentioned her father, someone made a catty comment about him?

Even though it's not going to be a big or formal do, there are a few people from my Dads side that I have had to vito from the wedding because my Mum doesn't like them and even though I would like them to be there, it's not worth the hassle.

My Mum always making these comments about my Dad is the first issue, but the main one is.....

When I told her I was getting married she announced that she was going to organise a meal for her, her DP, me, my OH, My Dad, his DW and my OH's parents.

1. Why, why, why would she want to invite my Dad and his wife round for dinner? (they have spoken maybe once in the last 18 years) She clearly hates his guts, the whole time would be more than awkward and I just know she would say something. I don't think my Dad would even agree to go and I wouldn't expect him or want him to.

and

2. I get along with my OH's parents OK ish, but I do struggle to make conversation with them, everything is just small talk and they don't take any real interest in me or my life. we have nothing in common and they would definitely have nothing in common with my mother, her partner or my father.

My Mum seems set on having this meal before the wedding but the thought of it, really fills me with dread. Even without my Dad and his wife, it would be more than awkward and I really see no need. My Mum will meet everyone at the wedding, and as I said it's not a big formal do, just the registry office, followed by a meal then some more people along for drinks in the evening.

I just don't see any point in forcing this potentially (no wait, in fact, definitely) awkward situation and pretending everyone is friends, when they're not going to be buddies after the wedding.

I've told her that I'd rather not do the meal and we had a fight with her calling me "selfish" and hanging up on me. Arrrgh!

Opinions please (on the meal and also how my mum always slags off my dad in this indirect manner).....

You're not selfish, she's selfish.

I'd get a book on assertiveness and just tell her you won't be going to the meal and it will seriously upset you if she tries to organise it. Maybe explain to your dad too, and get your dp to have a word with his parents about how the situation is, then no-one will go

It's good that the wedding's not too far away, try not to worry about it people rarely demonstrate their worst behaviour on big public occasions so she's likely to be ok on the day. If necessary just start screening her calls a bit/having firmer boundaries in the lead up and make sure it doesn't ruin your day.

Congratulations by the way

If it were me, I'd like my partner's parents to meet my parents before the wedding. But that's me. This is your day and you should do what you want.

At some point before or after the wedding, you should tell her directly that you don't want to hear the comments about your father anymore. If you haven't told her it bothers you, she may assume you feel the same way as she does, and that she is justified in making the comments.

Just keep saying 'no' to the meal.

Oh, I forgot about the guests you didn't invite. You invite the guests you would like at your wedding, full stop. Your mum has to wear it. You don't need to discuss the guest list with her; it is not her decision.

Just say to your mother 'thanks, but no thanks'. End of. She'll get over her strop.

Why, why, why would she want to invite my Dad and his wife round for dinner?

Because she's counting on your Dad refusing so the "official" pre-wedding parents of the bride and groom dinner does not include him.

If she's serious about smoothing the waters, she should arrange a restaurant meal for her, her DP, your Dad, and his DW.

I wouldn't do it either. The risks if people not getting on and then that recent history spoiling your wedding is too much.

At least at the wedding there will be more people so they won't be thrown in closely together.

Tell your mum to butt out, it's your wedding, your special time so she should respect what you want.
It's not her choice nor her business who you invite to your wedding.

Yes to telling her, if you haven't already, that she needs to stop bitching about your df - if he did have an affair then you understand why she feels anger towards him but enough is enough, it was a long time ago, he's still your father, it makes her sound bitter etc...
All you need from your parents is that they attend your wedding and be civil, nothing more, nothing less.