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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want things to change

20 replies

stuckstuck · 24/02/2014 23:41

I have worked really hard to get a range of flexible and part time work to fit around my children and now DH wants me to go full time in a long hours and demanding job.

He hates his job and wants to walk out however we need the money

I have always wanted to be a stay at home Mum and to be there for the first day of school, nativity performances, assemblies, etc and the new job would not have any flexibility to do the performances and sports days etc.

My concern is also that if DH stops work it will be very hard for him to get back onto the career ladder once the DC are all older.

He thinks I am selfish but I kind of think that he has been very happy with me doing the 'traditional' role and in fact he is being unfair saying that I have to give up all that I enjoy. It makes me want to cry when I think about missing those important parts of my children's life.

OP posts:

Burren · 25/02/2014 00:19

Maybe he feels similarly about missing sports days, and feels that he's slogged long enough in a hated job, if there's the possibility of you two swapping SAHM and WOHP roles?

LiberalLibertine · 25/02/2014 00:31

Can't he look for a better job before he walks out of this one?

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/02/2014 00:53

What exactly is he proposing? You work, he takes over all your stuff? You both work, share the misery? He gives up work, you work and do everything?

caroldecker · 25/02/2014 01:02

why should he not be the SAHP?

SoldAtAuction · 25/02/2014 01:09

How much stress is he under? Has he been miserable for a long time?
I understand that you would really like to be able to be flexible, but at the same time, his mental health has to be looked after too.
Is there a way he can look for other work at the same time?

Bogeyface · 25/02/2014 02:08

The problem you have is that you will be trading one lot of unhappiness for another. He is unhappy in his job but if he quits and you take it on then you will be as unhappy as he was.

I can see his point that he has done it for this long and now it is your turn, but that is also quite a short sighted view.

Is there no way you can increase hours and he can reduce his so you share the nativities, the sports days etc? That way he does less out of the home and you do more but no one has the full burden?

I dont think YABU to not want to take that on feeling that you will be miserable, but equally its selfish to expect him to just suck it up on the basis that your family needs the money and you are happy as things are.

To answer your Q, YANBU to not want it to change but YABVU to not see that he needs it to change and to try and reach to compromise.

Joysmum · 25/02/2014 02:17

Why shouldn't he have what you had?

MyNameIsButterfly · 25/02/2014 02:38

I'm in exactly the position. I offered my dh that he works part time and I do. Then is fair to everybody but he doesn't agree so We decided that when our children reach school age he gets to stay home for 2 years and I work and then we swap again so that I get 2 years off and he works. I will hate it but it's only fair. and for now he is seeking help to deal with his stress
maybe your dh should talk to someone about his stress to get help. my dh went to some kind of stress meetings and ever since is coping much better

MyNameIsButterfly · 25/02/2014 02:39

the same

IndigoCat · 25/02/2014 02:47

I like the idea of a two year cycle! Both DH & I work f/t I would love SAHP for 2 years, not sure he would though! Any cant afford it.

CoffeeTea103 · 25/02/2014 08:03

Why should he not be able to want the same things. It sounds as if it's just about what you want.

pussycatdoll · 25/02/2014 08:10

But how easy will it be to get new jobs every 2 years?
Plus pay progression & pensions will be affected

Sirzy · 25/02/2014 08:12

Sounds like you need to sit down and discuss things sensibly - but you can't be "selfish" with the being there for the children side of things - he has as much right to be involved in that side as you and his role isn't simply to provide so you can have the lifestyle you want.

paxtecum · 25/02/2014 08:18

Do you do all the household stuff - cleaning, shopping, washing etc?
Does your DH want to take all that on or does he just want to stop going to work?

Will he be happy cleaning the bathroom, changing sheets etc?

TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 25/02/2014 08:24

Well, why shouldn't he want the same things as you? I bet he hates missing things like prize-givings, nativities, sports days - he doesn't automatically not want to go because he's a man!

DP and I have already agreed I'll stay at home when we have DC. He has more earning potential than me and he enjoys his job, so it's win-win. We both want our DC to have a parent at home full-time and we can afford it (as we won't have to pay childcare) so it's win-win for us, but if he ever suggested us both going part-time, I would absolutely look into it. It's not fair for one person to be the breadwinner if they're not happy to do so. It's a very stressful position to be in - you have a lot on your shoulders.

Original poster

stuckstuck · 25/02/2014 12:15

I completely agree with all you have said. However it is not because he wants to spend time with the children. He has never been an actively involved parent, never takes them out by himself, has to be cajoled into putting them to bed/reading stories, prefers to have lie ins and go on the computer than spend time with them, and that has been his decision. I see spending time with them as my top priority so we have fitted into the traditional roles very nicely.

We are just about making ends meet at the moment financially but I think we could cut back a little bit more and cope if he took a job with a pay cut and I worked extra hours. however he does not agree.

I also worry that if he is at home he will become increasingly depressed (as he was once before when at home full time) and I will be having to work full time and do all the household family stuff.

I am worried about his mental health but don't think that walking out of a job will solve the problem in the long term. He has had help before but maybe I should suggest seeking more help again.

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 25/02/2014 13:04

Have you spelled out to him what he will have to do if you are back FT and he packs his job in? I agree that it wont work if he is viewing it as an extended holiday where you still do everything and he lies in every day and plays on his computer.

What is his plan long term? Have you sat down and discussed it at all?

whois · 25/02/2014 13:15

So he doesn't actually want to look after the children or the home, he just wants to quit work? I don't really think that's a good idea! If he were an involved dad is think both going part time would be great, but he doesn't sound like an involved dad.

expatinscotland · 25/02/2014 13:19

So he just wants to quit and you to do everything? PMSL! Don't we all? Te real problem is that you will be stuck with an adult child.

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/02/2014 15:02

Oh, I see, he wants a big holiday where you work, do all the house work and he does nothing. Get him take a week's holiday, do what you do and if he manages it, tell him you will think about it. Make sure there are appointments, playing with friends, something at the school to deal with and another child's birthday that week.

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