To not want to be a guarantor?

[NCSpanner]

Ever, to anyone really, but specifically not to DH's relatives, who are the only ones likely to ask!

BIL has a history of crappy money management and jetting off abroad with his GF while leaving PIL to deal with his bills from their tiny pension. He also gets all sorts of unrealistic "business" ideas and asks for "investments". He's also the type to either mysteriously be drawn to the crappiest landlords ever, or (as I suspect) is a crappy tenant who gets himself into arrears and trouble with perfectly normal landlords.

So far we've done okay avoiding loaning him money or guaranteeing his rent - we've been able to say quite honestly that we can't afford to, and last time he moved we didn't own our own property. Now we do. He's having to move soon. I can feel it coming.

But DH loves his baby brother and is a total softy and I know he'll find it very hard to say no and he'll think we have no options but to help if we can because we've also received help when we were in a tight situation. AIBU to not want any kind of financial ties with this kind of a person?! And how can we say no without wrecking our relationship with the whole family (because, you know, BIL is the baby and people need to be nice to him...) ?!

What a nightmare position to be in.

I utterly sympathise. I have a brother like your BIL. If not worse.
I spent over 10 years of my adult life bailing him out.
I provided a place for him to stay by letting him stay in my spare room in the first flat I bought.
I had planned to rent it out. He paid nothing, stole food and money and caused £10k worth of damage by letting his mates go mad one weekend.
I lent money hand over fist. Never repaid.
I did guarantee a loan for him to study with. He bailed and I repaid.
My parents let me soak all this financial crap up without assisting me because "he is your little brother and you have to help family".
I had just graduated at the time and had boyght my very first flat and was repaying student loans from a first degree and a masters.

I have him yet another chance to come and visit several years later after DH and I had just bought our first place together. While I was at work, he invited his mates around.
Jewellery of mine (gifts from DH) went missing. And our brand new very expensive sofa had holes in it from drug taking.

Again my parents refused to help me financially with the thousands of £ of damage and gave me the crap about "family".
I no longer speak to ANY of them! And it feels great!! They all took advantage of me (there is lots more but that's a whole other thread!).

You will continue to feel like the bad guy and stress continually until the day you make a stand! They may hate you for it but its the only way to get your life back.

I know its not the same scale but I recently heard of man who lives near me and he agreed to be a guarantor to a friends small business back in the 1970s.

He forgot all about the guarantee until his friends business went bust in 2007. The bank dug out the old guarantee and claimed all the liabilities in his old friends business. In fact I think the banks only called in the loans on his friends business because of the guarantee. They knew the guarantor was wealthy and they knew he had enough to pay the whole lot. Problem was the liabilities had grown hugely in his friends' business over the years.

The man who had been the guarantor lost his entire life work including his home which was stunningly beautiful mansion in a park. He was a nice generous man and allowed everyone to visit his home (it is a national monument) and walk in the grounds. He spent millions and millions saving the house from falling down. The banks took the whole lot. He is a very old and utterly broken man now.

Never be a guarantor.

WorrySigh - "Baby" BIL is 32! He's only a few years younger than DH; the babyness must simply come from never actually having acted like a grown up. I agree with the PP that he'll always be like this as far as people keep bailing him out.

MrsF - That sounds horrible! And I'm glad you're now free of all that!

MoreBeta - The poor guy! :(

I talked with DH and he actually agrees with me on this, luckily. He just hopes we won't get asked, so he doesn't have to be the bad guy. He also pointed out that in his newish work role he now needs to keep up a very thorough security check that's renewed quite regularly and they ask about finances and all financial ties in a lot of detail - another reason not to get involved with other peoples' finances!

MoreBeta That has chilled me to the bone! Horrifying.
I don't know why but I always assumed guarantors were only able to act as guarantors for a maximum of 25 years, as long as the original loan IYSWIM.

As I said up thread, it's not usually just the rent you are guarantor to, but other expenses. In the case of my ex-tenants, I couldn't get them out until they were well into arrears and then there was interest, damage to my property, debt on all the meters, cost of debt collector. It soon all adds up unfortunately.