To not want to share with DH

[Shorty1980]

I found out, by accident, that DH is borrowing £400 a month from fucking Wonga just to stay afloat. He also has an additional £5k of debt he didn't tell me about, because he knew I would "nag" him. He doesn't gamble, drink or spend large amounts on anything in particular, but he still thinks he is entitled to the same lifestyle that he sees his friends and family enjoying. He is yet to have his lightbulb moment.

Our finances are separate because it made sense as he was in a huge amount of debt when we got together - I was able to get a mortgage on my own because we are not connected.

I have just taken on a third job, and was looking forward to having a bit of extra money - I thought we might take the kids to Eurodisney, maybe sort out a few things that need doing around the house. It now looks like my entire wage is going to get lost in the black hole that is DH's debt. AIBU to tell him to sort it himself? In fact I know IABU and that it isn't my money, it's our family money, but I just despair that it is throwing good money after bad and it's not going to change his attitude to money so we will end up in the same bloody situation again in 5 years. I do love him, and every bone in my body wants to make it right, but is that the most helpful thing to do, would I be better to let him hit rock bottom???

Mmm. Personally, I would not help with the £5k as he got into that mess himself. But that's just me.

You have fundamentally different views to money and it's not surprising that it's caused problems and will continue to cause problems if the relationship continues as it is. Unfortunately, it's likely to come up again. Unless, as you say, the money dynamics change.

Can I recommend You and Your Money by Alvin Hall, which will really help to clarify where both you and your DH's attitude to money comes from. And helps to deal with money in a more positive way.

Also, take a look at You Need A Budget (YNAB), which will help with budgeting your money from now on. It's fantastic, they have loads of free videos and tutorials on their website and the software is often on sale through Steam.

Under those circs op, there's no point to help with his debt. At the moment it's a lose lose situation.
YES to keeping yourself as financially unlinked to him as possible.

I'm not going to say that your dc are losing out but they will suffer in the long run and you alone shouldn't have to make sure they never go without, that's not a fair partnership.

Sorry, but he should be on his own. Pay his debt out of his money, not shared. DH and I nearly split up over debt 5 years ago, both our debt but mainly his, but we took out an order to separate finances.

Family Holidays, days out, etc should be equally shared. Everything else is 50:50.

DH and I are now financially independent, we could both live in the same house on our own wages. We have worked out bills so we both pay out the same, but could cover the other in an emergency. Savings go into our own, individual accounts.

We have been happily married for over 25 yrs.