AIBU to think that very few people have a realistic expectation of what it is like to have a newborn?

[CrispyCrochet]

My DS1 is only 2.5 months old and while pregnant everyone was dishing out advice and they continue to do so. Yet, even with all the advice I was given I still had no clue what I was in for. Yes, I knew that newborns slept a lot, ate and pooed but what I did not realise was that they would

a) breastfeed near enough constantly for those first couple of weeks
b) only sleep on me
c) how intense on demand BF would be

I posted several posts on MN along the veins of "Help! My 15 do baby won't settle" or "4 week old won't sleep in his moses basket" and "6 week old is BFing for HOURS is this normal?"

So AIBU to think that midwives/friends/family don't actually prepare us for this sort of thing? I see posts on MN literally everyday with someone asking those exact same questions. I know that some people will have newborns who happily go off to sleep in their moses baskets yeah right or what have you but is it fairly safe to say that most newborns only want mummy and no manner of tricks/tips can really get them to change - only time. All this nonsense about "routines" - can we all just agree that it is pretty much pointless until the baby is a wee bit older??

Should it be up to the midwives to actually give us a bit more of a real world perspective on what it is likely to be like with a newborn? I say this as my DS has essentially been in my arms since 11pm last night having slept in his moses basket for all of 3 hours & is currently sleeping on my lap with a boob in his mouth.











Maybe they did tell me it would be like this and I didn't listen...

[georgesdino]

I love the newborn stage. I spent my time sitting in pub gardens out in the sun, I could sleep in the day, could take them anywhere, stay out late and let them sleep in the car seat/buggy, have long conversations sitting with my friends. The baby stage is by far the best bit to me.

[gamerchick]

I don't think anybody really believes you when you tell them. It's one of those you'll have to find out for yourselves moments

[ILiveInAPineappleCoveredInSnow]

My mum is a retired HV and seems to think my EBF DS2 who is four months old should be sleeping through the night!

And also, despite her FF me from 6weeks and also doing controlled crying then as she went back to work (and used earplugs at night to ensure she got sleep), apparently she was more tired than me...... Or maybe I don't moan about it as I expected to be tired and up several times a night.

Some people have unrealistic expectations, some people have babies who sleep 8 hours straight. That's just life I guess!

[notso]

I did tell DSIS, many times before and during her pregnancy.
I rang her after her first night at home with her now 1 month old and she burst into tears and said "why didn't you tell me how hard it is?"

I think it is indescribable, you can explain the crying, pooing, sleeping, needing, feeding. It's the emotions, sense of responsibility, love, fear on top of learning about your baby and mixed with the physical aspects of recovering from the birth.
That is why you can't prepare for it.

[gamerchick]

I think babymoons should be prescribed with the first babys. Like made law or something.

[Ifyoubuildit]

Yanbu

[LittleBearPad]

it's a shock how much they take over your life and how much they rely on you and how constantly you need to be aware of them. That becomes second nature, but it really is a huge shock to begin with.

This. Dd was apparently a very good baby, although colic wasn't fun. But it was the complete loss of 'me' that I struggled with. But I found myself after several months, not the pre-DC me but someone I recognise !

[clairemum22]

Yanbu and I feel that I missed the enjoyment of my first baby's first few months because of it - stressing to implement a routine that wouldn't work. Should have spent more time cuddling and feeding!! Baby no 2 so much easier!

[Tryharder]

I agree. I think we live in a culture where bf is not the norm so most people's perceptions of a newborn involve them bottle feeding 4 hourly and then leaving them in a pram in between feeds. Women are expected and indeed encouraged to get out and about within days of having a baby and you are asked if the baby is "good" I.e sleeping through.

I always tell any expectant first time mother who asks- stay in bed or on the sofa with your newborn for at least 3 or 4 weeks with your boobs out, DVD box sets on or a load of good books and if your DH and any willing family members can get cracking on with the housework whilst bringing you cups of tea and cake.

[Creamycoolerwithcream]

I agree with the poster who said people don't believe you when you tell them it will be hard. I remember speaking to my SIL who was older than me and in her mid 30's when she was pregnant with her first. I tried to describe how a feed can take an hour and then you may get an hour or two if then it's the next feed and 24 hours straight on the sofa feeding baby isn't that unusual. She said to me "Creamy I'm used to lack of sleep because when I was at uni I used to stay up late for parties or to study". I didn't know how to reply to that.

[Crowler]

I was shell-shocked. YANBU.

[MarketingMonkey]

YANBU! I was in shock for the first two weeks at least.

But I think now I still hold off telling pregnant friends how it really is; partly because I think it is indescribable and partly because you don't want to terrify them.

[LittleBearPad]

Yes there's definitely a conspiracy of silence. I've done it myself. "Yes it hurts... But you do forget...etc etc"

[TamerB]

I wouldn't tell them because they wouldn't believe you!
People on here are busy planning the birth as an event, like a wedding, and you don't like to burst the bubble and say it is outside control.
I thought a baby would be a doddle!

[vichill]

I think they're told not to give the warts and all on the initial horrors of bfing. If i was told about cluster feeding 8pm til 3am, bits of nipple falling off and 7 hours sleep in 4 days I'd have turned to the bottle. it seems the breastfeeding helpline is there to take the fallout when the harsh reality hits.

[PansOnFire]

But then look at all the threads from pregnant women complaining about the unwarranted advice from people who have been there, they don't want to hear it and all they do with the information is nod-smile-ignore which is exactly what most of the threads advise. I don't just mean on MN either, I've read some really arrogant threads elsewhere that focus on "well I'll know my baby better than anyone so I'm not listening to people who think they know everything", it's certainly made me think twice before giving advice to pregnant people.

My true advice would be this: childbirth is bloody awful, epidurals are the work of god but the scariest bit is trying to go to the toilet whilst your stitches for 3rd degree tears are still healing. Babies don't do what you want them to do, stop looking for solutions to 'fix' them and realise that 1 year is not a very long time in the grand scheme of things although it feels like a lifetime. I'd never say that to pregnant friends though, they'd think I was awful!

[BertieBottsJustGotMarried]

I don't think it even necessarily leads to a loss of "you" it's just that "you" can get buried under trying to cope with all of the rest of it.

And it never ever changes. For the rest of your life part of your identity is being a mum. I was talking to my mum today about how she is finding it hard to adjust to me being abroad and married - I've been moved out 7 years! - she's not a protective or needy parent, but I can totally see that that adjustment, again, must be weird, jarring and hard to deal with.

[Sparklingbrook]

All those threads asking what to take to hospital for a friend having their PFB. I want to say Parazone Wipes for the loo and some industrial strength maternity pads. Plus do they even want visitors?

Then a nice basket made up of a bottle of wine or two, a cabbage, nipple shields, kamillosan, Anusol, ear plugs and some moist loo roll for when they get home.

[Crowler]

"moist loo roll"
Sparklingbrook.

[Sparklingbrook]

Not that there will be much pooing Crowler too scared.

[TeWiSavesTheDay]

We must be some of the only parents ever who were a bit too prepared and assumed our vomiting baby was totally normal.

Apparently not since 4ys later she was diagnosed with lactose intolerance!

[Sunshine200]

I agree. I had no friends with children so nobody to tell me the truth. I remember coming out with comments like "my life won't change, our baby will just fit in around our lives". I brought a newborn swimming costume thinking id actually be swimming and jogging with my pushchair in the first month - ha ha ha!
However I do think it also depends on the baby - dd1 has severe reflux and was such hard work, dd2 is a breeze in comparison, apart from at night time.

I also don't think I would have taken my rose tinted glasses off during pregnancy to listen though!

[KonkeyDong]

YANBU whatsoever.

Fuck me, DD is like a whirling dervish on our lives. I had no idea how difficult breastfeeding would be or the fact that a baby wouldn't sleep in her Moses basket as planned or at all sometimes

She still doesn't sleep but were far more relaxed about it all - co sleep to save our sanity. Never thought I'd say that.

A friend is currently trying to conceive her first and I told her how hard I found it with a new born and was told to shut up. I tried.

[GuybrushThreepwoodMP]

I don't think it's possible to be prepared. You can't possibly have any idea of what it's like until you do it.

I tell pregnant friends this:

"You will feel like you've been hit by a truck. For a while, everything will be absolutely bonkers. You will have to remind yourself to eat and wee. You will experience a new kind of exhaustion. You won't be able to believe that the world you once knew is still out there and you will probably take pleasure in doing really 'normal' things like going to the supermarket just to remind yourself that the outside world still exists. Your body will feel like it belongs to a stranger. Most of the time, you will have no idea if it's day or night and most of the time you won't even care. But don't worry. You just have to survive that bit and it will all start to feel normal really soon. And it's all so very very worth it."

[NoArmaniNoPunani]

That's nice guybrush. I wish my friends had put it like that instead of the horror stories of having your Fanny sown back together wrongly