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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think dp is copping out of parenting?

51 replies

terrificallytremendous · 23/02/2014 22:15

Dp and I have a 7 year old, two 6 year olds and a 20 month old between us. He works long hours but also has at least three days off out of every seven. My issue is regarding our toddler. I take her to the park, toddler group, the library, soft play, the farm and so on on my days with her. We also spend time at home reading, playing and painting/drawing and out walking our dog. She doesn't watch tv as I hate kids programmes and personally prefer all the other things we do, and think they're better for her.

When dp is off I work from home and he has dd. He usually takes her round shops and to MacDonalds, before driving with her til she naps. He then returns when she wakes, which is usually after she hasn't had a sufficient nap as the cold/wind/other cars etc wake her. In the evening when I go to read with our elder dd I ask toddler dd if she'd like daddy to read to her, and leave them doing so. But within two minutes they're downstairs watching tv. It's then up to me to settle her to sleep (she would never tolerate dp doing this) and I have said that watching tv means she takes longer to settle, but he still does it. I've said taking her to MacDonalds so often makes her fussy with food and cry for it if we drive past, but he still takes her there every time he has her.

My friend said he just has a different way of doing things but I think it's copping out to pretty much just pass time with her, doing whatever keeps her quiet (MacDonalds and tv) rather than properly interact and parent her. Aibu?

OP posts:
greenbananas · 24/02/2014 00:42

It's like he thinks he's a substitute and just occupying her until I'm available again.

Yep, that's how DH feels about looking after our boys. He can be really good with them, playing happily and generally being great, but more usually he just parks them in front of any crap telly that is on offer and waits (rather impatiently) for me to have finished whatever I am doing. If they get bored, he often shouts and gets generally irritable. He has no idea how to feed them a healthy diet.

DH works long hours, usually about 65 hours over six days, and I understand that he is knackered. But I do wish he would make more of an effort. Perhaps I am being unreasonable, because the division of labour we agreed is that he would earn the money and I would do all the childcare and housework. But I do feel that I am entitled to the odd shower on my own, or help with childcare while I catch up on putting the washing away.

I have been out 3 times in the last year, once to a good friend's hen night and twice to the local resident's association committee meetings... both times I was only gone 20 minutes before DH phoned me to say the children were crying and I had to come back straight away. It was so depressing to have to leave early.

We eat McDonalds quite a lot, but even I think that four times a week is pushing it. In your position, I would be tempted to leave a healthy packed lunch for the children when your DH is looking after them... but then again, I really don't see why you should have to do this.

Jolleigh · 24/02/2014 01:10

I think really there's a lot of middle ground that can be reached between you and your DH. In many ways, he is just demonstrating a different parenting style to you, albeit an awkward 'I don't know what to do' style.

However - you do need to put your foot down on the McDonald's thing. She's not always going to be so tiny that she only eats a few fries. It doesn't really matter which meal it is - 3 times a week is far too much. Can he not cook? There shouldn't be an issue with him making a couple of sandwiches and taking her to the park with them.

zippey · 24/02/2014 01:26

Mcdonalds 4 times a week is deffo pushing it. I live a good MaccaD's but we need variety in our diet. One McDonalds a week is enough. Anyway I don't think OP was implying her DP went 4 times a week.

SylvanMuldoon · 24/02/2014 01:35

Taking a toddler to McDonalds 4x a week?! Shock

Tell him to start being a fucking responsible parent! I would go batshit crazy if my DH did this! Every so often is ok but that often, seriously? Hmm

ComposHat · 24/02/2014 01:38

How unutterably tragic

funky if you really think a child having a bit too much junk food than is good for them is unutterably tragic, you either gave no sense of proportion or have lived an extraordinarily cosseted life.

MistressDeeCee · 24/02/2014 01:47

Why wont your DD tolerate her dad putting her to sleep? That does seem strange.

It does sound as if he is being lazy in terms of entertaining DD - maybe he struggles with that, a lot of people do. Your DD isnt bored as you take her out & do lots with her so at least that isnt an issue; she doesnt need to be constantly entertained/on the go anyway. The McDs several times a week definetely is an issue, and thats of the most concern I think. So, address that, as it needs to stop. There are lots of indoor places they can go to that dont involve eating junk. As to the rest, hopefully you can come to a compromise without dictating to him exactly what he should do with DD in their time together.

PrincessSophieSoph · 24/02/2014 01:59

Diet is the first thing OP, even nandos where they do mash and roasted veggies with just plain chicken for LOs, would be better than mcds if you can't persuade him to do seething at home for them x

MrRected · 24/02/2014 02:52

He sounds as if he needs some direction. As sad as it sounds, you need to tell him what to do and what not to do.

Tell him NOT to take her to Macdonalds. Tell him that the food is shit, nutritionally void of anything other than crap and that you won't have it. You need to practice what you preach and not go on the one day a week yourself.

Tell him to INTERACT with her. Sometimes, people just don't understand that children require attention, other than supervision. If you give him some guidance, the penny may drop.

If he doesn't respond to some guidance - well then I am afraid you have some decisions to make.

As for the poster whose partner calls her back for crying children - well I never heard of anything so ridiculous. Tell him to grow a pair and sort out the children himself!

MrsMook · 24/02/2014 02:57

Sounds like he needs some different ideas of activities, the park, soft play and parent and toddler swimming are likely to be much less intimidating than the mother dominated world of organised baby groups.

McDonald's 4x a week is too much (I'm not sniffy about it as it's one of the few options that works with DS1's allergies) At that age zone we had a phase of going a couple of times a week as going for lunch was one of the few possible things to to get us out of the house when SPD and a long winter seriously restricted our options. I knew it wasn't great, but was a way of getting through a difficult, temporary situation. DS had a phase of shouting out each time he saw a yellow M but it didn't necessarily mean he wanted one, and that passed.

I wouldn't say he's coppibg out, but he needs some fresh ideas and variety.

Annakin31 · 24/02/2014 07:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 24/02/2014 07:55

If he has to be out with her, is there a park or a nice walk nearby rather than shops & Mcdonalds?

Can he take the dog out on those days?

Why can't he do puzzles/lego/drawing with her?

LittleBearPad · 24/02/2014 16:52

He takes her to macdonalds four times a week. That's crap, literally in effort terms and what he's feeding her.

FunkyBoldRibena · 24/02/2014 17:07

funky if you really think a child having a bit too much junk food than is good for them is unutterably tragic, you either gave no sense of proportion or have lived an extraordinarily cosseted life.

Yes it is tragic indoctrinating a toddler to McDonalds 4 times a week. Let alone letting them eat that crap. I don't think anyone who thinks this is a grand plan can really have a go at me - have you any idea what shit goes into the 'food' they serve there? Here's a clue - McDonalds even recommend their own staff don't eat there.

Back2Basics · 24/02/2014 17:23

See I think it's up to him how he parents her the same as it's up to you when it's just you and her.

He might not agree with a lot that you do, how will you feel when you bring this up and he says He doesn't feel your helping your dds development by never giving her any down time. How would you feel to be told how to parent your own child?

JoinYourPlayfellows · 24/02/2014 17:29

If my husband was thick and lazy enough to feed our toddler McDonald's four times a week, I would not think that came under "up to him how he parents her".

Putting our child's health at risk by eating that volume of fatty, salty, high-sugar food would not come even close to being OK by me.

If I was such a lousy parent that spending time with me was likely to leave my child obese and with damaged kidneys, I would expect other people to step in to put a stop to that.

Back2Basics · 24/02/2014 17:39

How do we know he's not going to maccy ds for a coffee for him and a fruit bag for the dd? Or fish fingers and carrot sticks? McDonald's is not just burger and chips.

And why should he stay in all day? When I was at home with my dc I used to go to my local cafe for a coffee and cake with friends the dc would get a milkshake and fruit/crackers/maybe a cookie. If he likes taking her out what's the problem.

diddl · 24/02/2014 17:39

Why can't he feed her (and himself?) at home?

Patchouli · 24/02/2014 18:04

You must hardly see each other if you're working when he's off. How about child are while you both work then have family time when he's off? I think proper child care and shared family time would improve her quality of life / diet.

Also, a slow cooker is great for those hectic evenings when there's no time and everyone's coming and going at different times.

TheGreatHunt · 24/02/2014 18:06

MacDonald is salty crap. For that alone I would be furious.

Lasvegas · 24/02/2014 18:53

I agree it is annoying the way he cannot parent her the way most mums do. My dh has 3 kids ( 2 before we met) the eldest is 17 .and he can't parent the way I do. We both work full time but on my 2 days off I would do activities with dd like yours. Dh much better with teaching to swim and visits to play ground at that age. Maybe you just have give him an activity schedule if he can't decide himself. My dh would not look after his own child for 3 days alone. He would prefer me not to work if that was the case or pay his mum to look after the child. He fnds work far easier than parenting in sole charge.

My dd now aged 11 and watched tv quite a lot and she is absolutely fine and we'll rounded.

Crowler · 24/02/2014 18:57

YANBU. McDonalds 3x/week for a BABY is a bloody outrage. I'd be furious. Why would anyone do this?

systemsmalfunction · 24/02/2014 19:39

Very unhealthy! Really bad habit to get into. I'd be very cross if it was my kid. Why isn't he taking on board your comments though? Can you reeducate him about healthy eating and how to bring up a child? Are there some documentaries about? Supersize me might be a good start?

systemsmalfunction · 24/02/2014 19:40

If he really cared about your DD's health and her development and his relationship with you, he wouldn't do this

Original poster
terrificallytremendous · 24/02/2014 23:28

He knows all the activities I do with dd, he asks what she'd like to do and I suggest things but he very rarely does them. She has plenty of down time with me, watching tv isn't the only way to have down time.

Dd is a fussy eater and I persevere with offering new foods and encouraging her to eat them. Dp thinks she'll get upset with him if hungry hence eating fries is better than eating nothing and potentially being upset. He doesn't get himself a coffee and her a fruit bag - it wouldn't be post-worthy if so would it? He gets her fries and used to share a milkshake with her until I had a go about the amount of sugar in it when my not so subtle hints weren't taken on board

OP posts:
43percentburnt · 24/02/2014 23:58

Have you shown him the macdonalds documentary? I would be angry if my dh was incapable of spending time with our child while I work. I work long hours, my husband is a sahd, it is tiring working long hours but we chose to have children, spending time together is important. I'm guessing she won't go to bed when he tries because he has never tried hard enough to get her to go. Easier for you to do it all.