AIBU to deny unborn baby's father contact

[gabcat]

Hello, never posted on mumsnet but am a long time lurker .

basically I am 27 weeks pregnant and split with baby's father when I was 16 weeks pregnant due to the following reasons :

exp has a ds with his ex , she put in a claim for cm through CSA , he then quit his job so he didn't have to pay (did not discuss this with me)

before the above happened we got a new apartment I stayed at my parents whilst he decorated etc , hardly saw him for 2 weeks , popped in to see how he was getting on , NOTHING had been done , exp was sleeping on the floor as he hadn't even bothered to move his belongings in from other property !

since we have split I have found out he is keeping less than desirable company eg. local well known drug dealers and drug takers ( he has began selling and smoking drugs himself ) and is currently residing with someone who from word of mouth has recently had his house raided for fire arms! my exp has been to prison for drugs/firearm and dv offences (he was never violent to myself and had been out of prison and living a 'normal' drug free crime free life when I met him) and I think he has slipped back into his old ways.

I have not allowed him to my scans/midwife appts as since we split I have received numerous abusive/threatening texts saying my son will hate me and he will kidnap my baby from hospital and I just would not be comfortable having him in on what is technically a medical appointment

his ex has also stopped him having contact with their son

wibu of me to deny him contact with my son until he stops dealing and taking drugs , has a suitable residency , a steady income and provides financial support etc ?
I do not want my child to grow up witnessing his new lifestyle and thinking it is ok or normal to lead this kind of life !

Shit attitude, Bertha.

Why didn't you think before you had a baby with this according to you very undesirable man. You now have lots of choices to make and difficult decisions ahead. I hope you make the right ones. I agree with seeking advice from your midwife.

She's hardly 'whinnying'. She asking for advice.

I am assuming the man wasn't drug taking/dealing when she got pregnant!

Don't tell the MW or anyone from services, anything, unless you know that you are willing to cut contact and get a restraining order against him.

His previous (ignored by you) offences for DV, Firearms and Drugs will be enough to generate an SS plan.

I doubt that he would be suitable for a Contact Centre because a Risk Assessment will need to be fone on him and I doubt he will pass, a drug test may be insisted upon.

Contact Centres are not good for children, they are an artificial environment and tbh, my thoughts are that if one is needed so soon, then no contact would be best until the child is older and the parent is clean living for at least three years.

I would prepare myself for life as a LP and gather strength from family and friends, where you can.

From someone who has been denied access in the past from the Mothers of the children of Male relatives, who I know have a good relation with, now they are adults, if his family are ok, then don't be petty, as long as they are willing to go no contact with the Father.

I can't understand why you chose to have a baby with this man since you were aware from the outset he's hardly good father material.

I doubt you're stuck with him for the next 18 years if that is any comfort. In the short term I'd stay well clear of him and I wouldn't register him as father on the birth certificate.

If he is having contact and gets arrested, then naturally SS will become involved, then your ability to Safeguard your child from any harm will be questioned, so think carefully before you have this man in your and your Baby's life.

I would make him earn the title of Father, before he takes up that role.

when I met him he'd been out of prison for years and hadn't been arrested , was seeing his son and paying maintenance , not as much as he should of done though that's why his exp put in claim through CSA , that's when it all seemed to go downhill ( not blaming his ex she has every right !) and the drug taking etc started again , if I knew this was going to happen then of course I wouldn't have planned a baby with him , but of course it's my fault for not looking into the future and predicting he'd go off the rails

Sorry if he's been ok for years but his attitude to his existing child might have rung a bell. For the moment he needs to prove himself worthy to be a father.

I would tell your MW the whole thing so it's officially logged. Also report any threats to the police and run everything by social services.

Omg take those txt msgs to the police right now. They need a record of this and your mw needs to be aware of the situation so they can protect you and the baby.

I suppose all those going on about "why have a child with him when he was like this bla bla bla", have never made a mistake in their life? Or misjudged someone? What's it like being perfect? I only hope for your own sakes if you make a mistake in the future that other people treat you less harshly.

OP YANBU. Definitely no contact and no putting him on the birth certificate.

Jeez, honestly what is the point in having a pop at the op for having a baby with this guy? Its too late and she trying to do the best for her child.

OP take the texts to the police and make the MW aware of the situation.

whilst having the baby & on postnatal ward tell them he is not to be allowed in all wards ypu have to be buzzed in and most tag babies so they cant be taken off ward dont let him know when you go in to labour either do not put him on b/c unmarried people the father has to be there to put name on dont tell him when you go

It's not just your child to deny contact. He is the child's father, a good one or not. You have gotten some good advice about documenting his bad habits and behaviour and you can start putting things in place to prepare for court. It's not your decision to deny him access or not, he has rights too.

It's not just your child to deny contact. He is the child's father, a good one or not. You have gotten some good advice about documenting his bad habits and behaviour and you can start putting things in place to prepare for court. It's not your decision to deny him access or not, he has rights too.

Really? Doesn't seem to have earned any.
The child should come first. And not having a violent waste of space in their life seems a could way of achieving that aim.

Drof Parents don't just have rights, they have responsibilities too. The OP's child's right to remain safe is more important that the ex's 'right' to see the child.

There is nothing wrong with being a LP, if those are the cards life has dealt you. Why on earth would a child be better off with a wastrel father?

Op, there are loads of groups to go to for support/friendship/advice etc after the birth. Some may let you go whilst still pregnant - ask your mw. I help run bf groups, and I know pregnant women are allowed to come to those and we have a lot of LPs. There are also groups specifically for LPs round us (NE).

My point is that the courts decide if the father can/should have access. I think mothers have a very righteous attitude to think they get to decide whether dad gets access. I totally understand why mums feel like that, of course they want the best for their child (assuming they are a good responsible parent themselves) and its painful for them to see their much loved child being hurt. There are so many crap parents out there, both mums and dads, it's heartbreaking. But fathers do have rights and in many of this situations they are in a very shit position to start with (they can't choose to end an unwanted pregnancy and have it forced upon them, society breeds men to take a back seat as a parent, also they are physically not carrying the child so psychologically can't build an attachment, especially when split from the mother). So we can all comment on what a shithead this man is and that she should shut him out but at this point he has not yet proven himself to be a danger to this child. So my advice to OP stands, prepare your case to try for full custody. And be aware that being a shit dad is not enough to get his access blocked, he actually has a right to be whatever kind of a parent he feels like, but if he is a danger to the child you will hopefully have a good case, especially if you are well prepared.

Droflove PR stands for Parental Responsibilities, NOT Parental Rights as some people seem to think.

Sometimes it may indeed be better to have no dad than a bad dad.

Nanny0gg, you don't earn the right to be a parent, the thousands of pregnancies to less than optimal parents every year proves that. The child's physical and psychological safety is paramount but unfortunately it is usually compromised to some extent when babies are conceived between 2 people who don't want to be together and especially when one or both have a drug/alcohol/violence problem.

Fry I totally agree with you on that but the reality is that few of the worst ones fully stay away.