aibu to be angry at 15yo dd school for not alerting me that dd was planning on staying with a 26 male near stranger in his flat overnight which she told all of this to a teacher?

[trampsypantsy]

I've been fuming over this for a week but basically my 15yo daughter has been going Off the rails recently since her grandfather who she was very close to died. I've been trying to get her to see a therapist about it but she refuses. So I was tidying her room for her as she was having a particularly sad day, and under her pillow i found a large, half drunk bottle of vodka. This all happened last week when she was at school. I rang her during her lunchtime to give her a chance to explain herself and to tell her to come home straight from school as we needed to have a chat about this. She got very angry with me on the phone and refused to come home that night, she said she wouldn't be getting the bus home and would make sure I wouldn't know where she was. Turns out she was then quite upset and told her head of year teacher about the situation. She also told the teacher that she would be spending the night at a man's flat who is 26, who she had spoken to in a cafe last week and he said she could stay whenever she liked. My dd's friend heard and got her to sleep at her house instead, but this was apparently very last minute and the teacher was still under the impression she was staying with this male stranger. A week later the mother who's house my dd stayed at rang me to tell me her dd only just told her that my dd was planning on staying with this man who I didn't even know existed. Of course it is not the teachers fault for my dd deciding to stay there, but aren't they legally bound to tell parents if their child is in a potentially dangerous situation?

I don't think the OP is being blamed, I think people are just suggesting she go about it a different way, and that it's not good for her to be jumping in to situations or getting angry about them before you know exactly what's gone on.
I would ask exactly what they did, and if nothing, tell the school that in future you'd like to be kept informed because you are going through a delicate time with your DD at the moment and need all the support you can get with her.

How do you know the teacher got the full details? A 15 year old is more likely to gloss over the facts and just say 'a good friend' rather than the truth

As you haven't spoken to the school you don't know what she told the teacher. Calling her at school was pointless and confrontational.

On the 15/16 issue if you live in Scotland then there's a huge difference. She's basically free to do what she wants, including leaving school and home.

We don't live in Scotland, but that's interesting to know. I shall ring the school then, would you all suggest a meeting with the head of year?

Head of year and the teacher concerned.

But before you meet them I suggest you discuss with your daughter exactly what she did say. You're currently working on the third hand information of the friends mother.

Have you had the conversation with her now about the alcohol?

Not yet, she's gone round to spend time with her grandma today so when she gets back this weekend I have a girl night in planned for us. The other kids are going to stay with their causing overnight (a treat for them,they love it) so that we can spend time just the two of us. I'm going to order a pizza and we will watch a film with popcorn downstairs on the couch with loads of blankets and pillows. My plan is to give her a big hug and tell her that I love her so much, and that she deserves to be happy. I'll tell her that if she wants to talk about anything than I'm always hear for her and I will suggest we have a regular outing just the two of us where we open up. I'll also tell her that regardless of whether we've had a fight, or thinks I'm angry with her, she is always wanted and loved in the house, and then she doesn't need to feel like she has to find somewhere else to stay

This evening *

Stay with their cousins *

A safeguarding person who it was reported to should have contacted the op surely? She is 15 and therefore a child

You are crowding her. By all means tell her you love her and are there for her but give her space, stop trying to over organise her . Back off and just listen to what she needs

Bigboobs with all respect, I think I know my daughtwr better than you. I am not crowding her, I wasn't asking for that to be commented on, merely the schools lack of action.

If I were your daughter I would think I'm getting some very mixed messages from you. You're ranging from going ballistic and calling me at school when neither of us can do anything about it to organising a twee girls' night in with activities which are completely irrelevant to any of the issues.

Have a serious heart to heart with me but please drop the MNetter clichés of snuggling up in blankets.

Its ok to get it wrong, and admit to her that you feel you got it wrong.

You called her straightaway becasue you were shocked and worried. But you realise that it came across as angry and confrontational.

Its ok to say that to her.

At the moment, you seem to be angry at the school, but you don't really know what your dd told the school. You're working on third hand information. It seems unlikely the school would have done nothing if your daughter said she was seeing a 26 year old man. Do the school know your daughter is having a difficult time since her grandpa passed away? Is there any support for her at school? Rather than going in all guns blazing about what has or hasn't been done, a constructive approach to what support can be offered to your dd would be the tack t take, unless of course you can verify that your child did tell the teacher about her plan, in detail. In that case, I'd be a bit miffed too!

But you don't know the school took no action, that's what people are saying.

You're annoyed they didn't ring you but that would not be a normal safeguarding route. Ring school, ask to speak to the child protection officer and they will tell you what's happened as far as they can.

I suspect you are directing you wrath at the school/teacher as someone to blame and direct your anger at, rather than directing your anger and fear at your DD in case she takes flight again.

Even if your DD will not go to grief counselling at the moment you might find you benefit by going yourself as it will help you understand what she is going thru and what would be good strategies to help her. Are you sure that the bereavement is really at the root of all of this and that there are not other issues going on and that this was just the 'final straw' for her? Has she had other deaths/abandonments that have hit her hard in her life?

I would doubt the school did nothing if they had the information you believe they had. Safeguarding laws would require them to do something but it may be they had already traced where she was via the friend she stayed with. Under those circumstances they would not be under any obligation to report her conversation to you.

I would be less concerned about what you are focussing on and far, far more concerned about the drinking and underlying problems. Finding vodka stashed in her room, the bad choices she is making, the lack of communication all suggest a child going badly off the rails and possibly putting herself into very harmful situations. I think you need to find good, productive ways to help to help your daughter, and rather than focussing on the basic non-issue of whether the school should have told you about the conversation she had, you should focus on the fact she has a possible drinking problem and a lot of issues that need addressed. Do you have any local counselling services you can access for yourself that may then help you identify services to help your family?

Good luck.

'A safeguarding person who it was reported to should have contacted the op surely? She is 15 and therefore a child'

Are you really that naive Cumber?
That's why there are rules and procedures and a trained SG person in every school and college.
So that some well-intentioned do-gooder doesn't think phoning mummy is the best response and then they are surprised if the child is then battered seven ways til Sunday or worse. Or just stays silent and never discloses again.

Difficult.
You both need counselling and a holiday somewhere nice, from the sound of it.