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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think girls mum is part of the problem

18 replies

Ghanagirl · 22/02/2014 18:25

Have also posted in Bullying group, but know this area has way more traffic, I'm having problems with my 6 year old, she's in year two and has a twin brother. She has a "friend" who is shy and outwardly sweet but in reception the teaching
assistant told me this girl is quite unpleasant to my DD, I then spoke to teacher who confirmed, unfortunately my DD still wants to play with her and in year 1 and 2 the teachers have not really mentioned anything, but my DD says things like My friend would not let me play and told others that I was "brown so I should be the boy" the school is ethnically diverse and the girl is from a minority background also but not as "brown" at my wits end, heartbroken that my once confident and feisty little girl has become so unconfident. At a party today and the other girls mum told a "funny" story about my DD she repeated it twice and I could see other mums didn't think it was funny, I just smiled but it made me realise that although she is outwardly nice maybe her daughter getting negativity from mother. Not sure how to help DD as year 2 teacher thinks this little girl is sweet she has allergies and needs help with medication so is seen as the innocent party. My DD now keeps complaining of tummy aches each morning prior to school, just need some advice
Thanks

OP posts:
RandomMess · 22/02/2014 18:29

You need to speak to the teacher and tell her that your dd is unhappy about coming to school and ask her what does she think may be going on that is causing it.

If have several recent specific events regarding the other girl being unkind to your dd then make a note of them and ask the teacher to help your dd widen her friendship group as this seems is an issue.

If it is a straight forward bullying issue then you need to tell the teacher that and ask her to following the schools procedures.

BalloonSlayer · 22/02/2014 18:59

Second talking to the teacher. I doubt that if the reception TA and teacher noticed what the girl is like that the Y2 teacher is totally unaware. And you can mention they alerted you in the first place so the teacher can talk to them for their opinions.

As a parent with a child with allergies and needing help with medication I can't really see how that would make a DC seem like an innocent party. Confused

The teachers probably haven't said anything because the girl has got a little bit cleverer at not being overheard and the teachers do not watch them quite as closely as they do in reception.

Say something. Then they will know. And especially about the skin colour comments - nasty! Sad

AwfulMaureen · 22/02/2014 19:00

I had a similar though not so extreme situation and I went in to tell the teacher ALL of it. You need to too as it smacks of low level bullying and racism.

Try to ask as many other little girls home to play as you can and tell DD regularly to stand up for herself.

Original poster
Ghanagirl · 22/02/2014 19:18

Thanks all,
Think it was mothers comments that pushed me over the edge, as about 2 weeks ago she texted to tell me her DD's skin had flared up and could I ask my DD to take care of her, like a mug I did, I'm so into teaching my two loving, caring, sharing etc etc, maybe I should try another approachHmm

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MissyO · 22/02/2014 20:02

You need to encourage your DD to make other friends, it is a harsh fact of life that you cannot make everyone like you.
Wirthout knowing what bthe mum's anecdote was, it's hard to gauge whether she might be influencing her dd.It might have just struck the mum as something sweet your dd had said

Finola1step · 22/02/2014 20:29

I'm a bit confused. This mother told a "funny" story about your six year old dd. Twice. Were you in earshot? What did you say? Or did you just sit there and take it?

Sorry to sound harsh OP. I teach my dc to be kind, supportive etc. but if a grown adult told a "funny" story about one of my dc, gloves would be well and truly off.

Floggingmolly · 22/02/2014 20:53

I don't understand the thing about your dd "taking care" of the other child when her skin flared up... Confused. Why on earth did you agree to that? Shock
Sitting there smiling when you were pissed off at the other mum telling the funny story about your dd is hardly helping your dd either, is it?

You may well be part of the problem yourself, you know.

Original poster
Ghanagirl · 22/02/2014 21:20

Agree with posts saying I should so something

OP posts:
Original poster
Ghanagirl · 22/02/2014 21:39

When I said I smiled, it wasn't big happy smile. Sometimes feel damned if I do damned if I don't! If I moan about child in infants making racist comments, I have chip on my shoulder, just want to protect my DH from crap I went through...

OP posts:
MrsMoon76 · 22/02/2014 22:13

I would say something to the teachers and look at helping your DD meet other children. Does she do any activities outside school that might help her get her confidence back?

You KNOW you didn't have a chip on your shoulder. Racism should be addressed and confronted and your DD needs to know its not acceptable to be treated differently because she is "brown".

I was a "straight from Ireland with strong accent" child when I started school in London and suffered for it but my mum stood up for me and confronted the issue with my school back in the 80s. I am so grateful to this day that she had my back. Do that for your little girl.

ThePinkOcelot · 22/02/2014 22:18

Definitely go in and have a word with her teacher Ghana. Hope you get it sorted.

SanityClause · 22/02/2014 22:26

My DD has been bullied by a so called friend at school. When it first started happening, she told me about it, but later that night, the other girl's mother rang me and talked to me about how she was having health problems, and needed a major operation, and her DD was very upset about it.

So, I explained this to my DD, and suggested she cut the girl some slack.

The result? This girl then used my DD as an emotional punch bag for the next two years. Things are resolving themselves now, as my DD has made lots of new friends, and doesn't need to stick around to be bullied by this girl all the time.

So, as much as it would be nice for your DD to look after this girl when her allergies flare up, your DD needs to be clear that she doesn't have to take nastiness from anyone, and that it is not her responsibility to let this girl be horrible to her, just because she has health (or any other) problems.

Original poster
Ghanagirl · 23/02/2014 07:25

Thanks sanity, that's really helped, will def try and encourage DD to play with other girls

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adoptmama · 23/02/2014 07:40

Tell the school and encourage your DD to find other friends to play with. Insist the school treat it as the bullying it is. My DD has also had skin colour comments and over a year later they still upset her and undermine her confidence. Be prepared to lose the other mother's 'friendship' after you complain. Teach your DD clear responses to unpleasant comments and let her practise them/role play at home.

mrsmillsfanclub · 23/02/2014 08:38

You must let the teacher know. I taught a year 3 child who was like this. Supposed to be another girls 'best friend' but was a bully who prevented her from having any other friends. The mother of the bully thought she was an angel! She is in year 4 now and is just the same apparently, but now has a new victim.

Walkacrossthesand · 23/02/2014 08:52

Ah, MrsMills, that takes me back - my DD had a 'best friend' in year 1 to yr 3, the 'friendship' depended on DD doing exactly what BF said. Come year 4, and DD getting tired of this, the BF began playing the 'bullying' card, claiming DD was bullying her because she would no longer do as she was told The denouement came when BF accused DD of telling her to F off in a group game (language DD would never use, even now at age 20!) and her mum said 'it must be true because 'she'd written it in her diary'! Confused Help your DD keep her distance, no good will come of this....

Walkacrossthesand · 23/02/2014 08:53

Sorry - left out the 'OP' in last sentence....

Original poster
Ghanagirl · 23/02/2014 08:59

Thanks for all your comments was really upset yesterday, going to try and rehearse some strong responses with her today,

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