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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I can spoil the DC a bit without lasting harm?

18 replies

irrepressibleyou · 22/02/2014 17:28

I buy DS1 and DS2 quite a lot of toys, not always on their birthday and xmas. DH things it is wrong to do this and that they should wait for an occasion, but both of them have birthdays in December, so that's 12 months without anything. DS2 is fine because he has pocket money but DS is 4 and for example this half term I have bought him lego kits and a couple of other toys he really wanted and has played with constantly. I linked it to good tooth brushing, no pant-wetting etc. I admit he gets stuff quite often but it's often because I need to entertain him and it has been raining forever. We can afford it. Will it make him a grabby child who does not know the value of things or can I impart this in other ways?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 22/02/2014 17:33

It's ok to buy your kids toys now and then for no particular occasion

It doesn't automatically equate to spoiling them

However, I wouldn't buy a 4yr old a toy for not wetting their pants

Surely that's likely to make them more anxious if they do?

Sirzy · 22/02/2014 17:34

I think it depends how it is approached. If a child gets everything they ask for then that is (in my opinion) wrong and likely to cause problems. As long as a child understands no then that's fine.

That said it sounds almost like you are buying for one but expecting the other to use his own money to buy things which doesn't seem fair. I would also be careful of needing to buy things to entertain children because (again in my opinion) children need to learn to entertain themselves and they don't need a stream of constant new toys to do that)

Onesleeptillwembley · 22/02/2014 17:37

It's not buying things that spoils kids. It's having then expect to get everything they want, no boundaries, respect for people or things and no manners.

AwfulMaureen · 22/02/2014 17:37

I don't think new toys are a way to "entertain" kids....I usually get loads of craft things in and use those on rainy days. Big toys are saved up for.

bodybooboo · 22/02/2014 17:38

Sirzy yes totally agree.

Original poster
irrepressibleyou · 22/02/2014 17:38

Well we give the older one an allowance, so he can buy what he wants. I also give him extra money if he wants to go to the cinema or whatever, and buy clothes. I am also much more generous with the older one at birthdays and christmas because obviously he needs bigger things at 16. I didn't spend very much on DS2 at xmas, I just got him enough for him to have plenty to get excited about on the day.

OP posts:
HoratiaDrelincourt · 22/02/2014 17:40

You can treat without spoiling, if and only if the children know the value (not cost) of what they get.

So long as you don't always - or probably even usually - say yes to their requests, you aren't likely to be spoiling them.

Original poster
irrepressibleyou · 22/02/2014 17:41

Well I do lego kits with him, which we both enjoy. We do do craft kits too. I'm not sure about the bribing not to wet his pants. He only does it when he can't be bothered to go to the loo, never ever at night.

OP posts:
dashoflime · 22/02/2014 17:43

Well I hope so, because I LOVE buying DS toys.
He is only 18ms though so he doesn't understand about things "belonging" to him or know to ask for stuff.
I felt very inhibited about ever asking for things as a child though- as I knew we couldn't afford much. So it felt naughty to ask, and cause that little bit of irritation and difficulty for my parents.
I still have great difficulty in buying things for myself. I don't want DS to ever feel like that.

HappyMummyOfOne · 22/02/2014 17:44

I think its fine, buying things does not equal spoilt. Its more about the childs expectations, manners, behaviour etc.

We treat DS often, neither of us only have something new on birthdays or christmas so why should DS is my opinion.

mrsjay · 22/02/2014 17:44

i believe buying kids does not spoil them but I think it is the spirit in which they receive them that spoils them getting toys are nice and little rewards here and there are a surprise but you really need to be careful imo that he doesn't start to expect or want stuff just cos he is been a good boy then that is spoiling imo, Indulging children spoils them and that doesn't always mean stuff either

Original poster
irrepressibleyou · 22/02/2014 18:13

I think I'll remove the bribery aspect, because DS is now always trying to think of some reason why he deserves a reward. When I think of it with his older brother I always did surprise rewards for good behaviour rather than the other way round.

OP posts:
hiccupgirl · 22/02/2014 20:18

I tend to get DS 4 small things on and off for the same reason - his birthday is at Christmas and he has to wait 12 months for anything otherwise.

I have to admit he was getting a bit grabby and expectant so we've now started £1 a week pocket money and he gets bits of money for general good behaviour. He normally then has enough to buy something small after 2 weeks and it's his money to choose whatever he wants. This is working well so far because he now asks if he has enough money for things rather than asking me to get him things all the time.

I'm really hot on not spoiling him but I do think if he understands that he doesn't just get everything he asks then we'll hopefully be ok as he gets older.

curiousgeorgie · 22/02/2014 20:26

I think it's find to do this...

My DD1 (DD2 too young to really be relevant here Wink) gets heaps for Christmas & birthdays but I still buy her something everytime we are shopping / food shopping / at a day out like a theme park..

I think most often she gets something everyday but she is the most lovely, generous child who is always willing to share.

Its lovely to spoil your children if you can, they're only little for a while! (Sob sob!)

harriet247 · 22/02/2014 20:27

We didnt get much as kids, certainly didnt do without but no toys etc or clothes unless we were desperate or our birthdays.
I do treat dd a fair bit, but i find a reason to - good behaviour, helping etc.
Yanbu

harriet247 · 22/02/2014 20:27

We didnt get much as kids, certainly didnt do without but no toys etc or clothes unless we were desperate or our birthdays.
I do treat dd a fair bit, but i find a reason to - good behaviour, helping etc.
Yanbu

harriet247 · 22/02/2014 20:27

We didnt get much as kids, certainly didnt do without but no toys etc or clothes unless we were desperate or our birthdays.
I do treat dd a fair bit, but i find a reason to - good behaviour, helping etc.
Yanbu

mrsjay · 23/02/2014 14:46

I think I'll remove the bribery aspect, because DS is now always trying to think of some reason why he deserves a reward. When I think of it with his older brother I always did surprise rewards for good behaviour rather than the other way round

just do the same then I think your son is learning that he can get if he is a good boy they do catch on quickly Grin

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