To want another baby? Pros and cons.

[JazzyCardi]

Pros:

I really want one and think I would regret if I don't.
DP would be thrilled if we have another
DS wouldn't be an only child and would have a blood relative once DP and I are gone.

Cons:

I'm 37 so a pregnancy would be high risk.
DP is on medication which could damage a foetus so would require abstinence/flush out prior to conceiving. This would mean him suffering with pain and his condition potentially worsening.
I'm on ADs and would want to come off them before conceiving.
Our home isn't big enough for another child but we have no options for moving at the moment.
DS would prefer a dog

Additional info:

Our relationship isn't great, more friendship than romantic, but we do love each other.

I had a miscarriage when DS (12) was a year old and it put me off trying again. A few years later DP was diagnosed with arthritis and was then retired from his job. We now live on his pension. In order to better our financial/home situation I need to go back to work.

I'm, to be perfectly honest, a bit scared of being tied up with another child until I'm about 60. I know I could cope with a newborn now, but it frightens me to think I might resent having a teenager when I'm in my 50's.

I keep on hearing people say you only regret what you DON'T do and I'm scared that time is running out.

What would you do if you were me?

Get a dog. Redecorate your home. Take your DS on a fab holiday. Don't have another baby when your situation is so difficult. Enjoy what you have? It sounds good to me.

The cons have it I think. I don't think the age is a massive issue- I had dd when I was 37. However, that ignores the fact that you were a parent when you were 25 so I don't blame you for not wanting to still be doing it at 55. The sibling thing is a red herring. Your ds is really unlikely to have huge interest in a baby/ toddler and by the time it's 5 he'll probably have left home. If he says he'd rather have a dog, just get a dog.

if your main wanting a baby is for your ds to have a sibling then i would not bother , quite a lot of siblings are not that close , they will marry and have their own family and drift off, there will be a big age gap anyway, plus you say your relationship isnt great , id go with the dog if i was in your shoes if im honest and be pleased with what i have .

I say go for it! My 12 year old and 2 year old are very close, play together and have a lovely bond. I think you'd regret not trying. Good luck x

That's a long list of cons - all of which are significant ( except for your age). Would your DS thank you for adding a DC to your family when there are so many practical reasons not to do so (and those practical reasons will negatively impact your DS).

What career would you like to do? Are you working in that field at the moment?

I wouldn't in your shoes. Your dh will have to stop his medication. Temporarily, sure, but his condition could them worsen permanently??
Is he willing to chance this, especially given your relationship isn't great?
That one alone should tell you no, btw.
Your ds will be off making a life for himself by the time any new arrival started school, so they'd be unlikely to have anything in common for a very long time, if at all.

Very sorry I didn't come back to this yesterday.

All of your posts have given me a lot to think about. I anticipated that the majority of posts would encourage me to throw caution to the wind and go for it because of the potential to regret it later in life. I haven't added anything up but I think the majority of posts are encouraging me to be cautious so I was completely wrong.

I don't think DP would even consider using another man's sperm. I can't imagine myself even having that conversation with him. I think he'd be appalled.

WRT our relationship I would say that although we love each other there's no real desire here anymore. We have all the elements of a good relationship but don't fancy each other anymore. His arthritis worsened very suddenly and he was retired within a year of starting to really struggle. The adjustments have been pretty hard going and I think we spend too much time together.

I don't work and haven't since I had DS. I've only ever done shop work so I'd either be working for minimum wage or I'd have to retrain. It's unlikely DP will ever return to work but his pension is quite good and we can live on it if we're frugal. It wouldn't stretch to another child though. It wouldn't stretch to upsizing our home either.

When I think about having a baby I do get all misty-eyed. It's a gut feeling, definitely heart ruling over head. DS was desperate for a sibling up until a couple of years ago. I think he would be happy and excited if I was pregnant but if the decision was his, then yes, he'd opt for a dog instead

Oh and I'm sorry about the misunderstanding over high risk pregnancy. I thought that all pregnancy's over 35 were automatically classed as high risk.

SingMore I think you're right that decreasing my cons list is the way to go until I make a definite decision.

I had my last baby at 37, and to be honest it has been exhausting and I do worry about needing to still work a lot of hours in my late 50's to help her through Uni ( should she choose to go). I'm knackered now so goodness kows how I'll feel then. If your ds is 12 I think the gap will be so big they posibly won't be close anyway, but yes it would be nice for him to have a sibling despite the age gap. Do you have a spare room for a baby , obviously it won't be able to share with a 12 year old?

You don't work. Your DP is your DP not your DH. In your own words your relationship isn't great.

Sorry but I don't think it's a good idea personally - if you split you have no security, and with the stress of another child thrown into a relationship which isn't great .... I really wouldn't.

It's interesting you say you only regret what you don't do. I worked with a lady who made a huge impression on me. She had gone ahead with dc2 (turned out to be twins) when she wasn't sure. Her dh had lost his job and she had had to return to work ft when the twins were 4 months old to support the family, it put the relationship under immense strain. The twins were 10 when I met her and she openly regretted going for dc2.

I had a brother aged 12 and I wouldn't do that to my dcs, I think caring for my db had a massive impact on my parents ability to parent me effectively during my teenage years.

I wouldn't do it just so your ds has a sibling.

12 years is a big gap and they probably wouldn't be close until quite late in life if at all.

If you want another child then that's fine but it's a bit of a myth that only children suffer for not having a sibling.

By the time you and your DH pass away (many years from now, all being well) your ds is likely to have had children of his own, or at least be with a partner.

I know lots of adults who are not at all close to their siblings, more aren't than are of the people I know.

Get a dog, then you can enjoy time with your DS (and dog).

Don't have a baby so your DS has a sibling.

I have 2 siblings and they were both more than useless when it came to sorting stuff out after our parents passed.
I did the lot.
BTW they intensely dislike each other too.

Could you get a job and get some time away from DH?